The Simulacrum - Volume 6 Extra 2: Be it D20 or D6, the Dice is Always a Prick.. (Patreon)

"Yeah, it's so cool!" Penny sounded more excited by the minute. "You can have car chases, and fights with hover-bikes, and you can even build your own mini-mecha and fight other robots!"s time for recreation. Some were socializing in the lounge area of the main hall. Others were working out in the makeshift fitness saloon, one of the newly constructed chambers of the base. Yet others would stay in their quarters and read, watch something on the TV, or browse the internet using the base's extensive high-speed Wi-Fi network. It was Fred's idea.

Speaking of him, our OG mad scientist was also in the process of relaxing, which was a rare occasion in and of itself. Generally speaking, the man had two modes at this hour: he would either be burning the midnight oil in his workshop, or crash on his bed and sleep like a log. Not this time.

At the moment, he was sitting at a large, crowded table in one of the unused chambers we recently turned into a guest room. It was a bare place, with plain white walls, a simple bed, a prefab wooden desk with a matching chair, and a small wardrobe in the corner. Chances are, it was this emptiness that made it a perfect place for this gathering, though it also meant that both the table and the metal-framed chairs had to be prepared in advance.

"Can we get started?" Penny spoke up at the head of the table, from behind a undecorated paperboard screen sitting in front of her.

Everyone fell silent, and then a murmur of agreement ran through the group. Counting them without particular order, there was Snowy at her left, currently busy with organizing the stack of drinks and snacks on the table. Then there was Fred, absent-mindedly shaking a trio of six-sided dice in a paper cup with a soft 'Kihihi…' on his lips.

The next two participants were quite surprising both in their identities as well as their appearance: Duncan and Agrawain sat next to each other on Penny's other side, wearing the Knight's customary sweat suits. No one knew exactly why it became their standard casual wear in the base, but to be fair, most traditions tended to start like that. Furthermore, the big guy still had a wet towel hanging off his neck, signifying that they finished training recently and came here right after washing up.

Last, but certainly not least, we had Ichiko at the other end of the table, seated as far from my sister as possible. Furthermore, she was sitting on Karukk's lap, apparently using the reluctant Faun as padding so that she could reach the table without problems.

It was a pretty electing group, no matter how I cut it.

"All right!" my knightlier sister exclaimed, full of enthusiasm, and clapped for emphasis. "I believe this is everyone's first time, so let's get—"

Just as she was about to get into it, the only door leading into the room opened without as much as a single knock, and Galatea poked her head inside.

"Is master here?" she inquired in a rather disinterested tone.

"I'm here. Why?" Fred asked back and put his dice cup down.

"I require manual input regarding tomorrow's schedule," she noted, though her eyes were focused on the table and all the snacks, soda cans, and various paraphernalia on it.

"Can't you do it later?" Penny cut in with a pout. "We're trying to play a game here."

Blinking, Galatea observed the table again.

"Visual readings indicate that these are items associated with a tabletop roleplaying game," she noted, but before she could add anything else, the tiny miko raised her hand high into the air and called out to her.

"Yes! Galatea-san should join us too!"

The androidess glanced over at her, and after a moment of hesitation, shook her head.

"After running a search in my preference-libraries, the result indicates that there's an eighty-nine percent chance that I have no interest in fantasy roleplaying."

"It's not fantasy!" Penny raised her voice again and waved a thin booklet. "Brother is already running a fantasy campaign, so I decided to do something else!"

"It's… a sci-fi setting," Snowy clarified in her stead and tried her best to stop my other sister from knocking over her DM screen. "It's about cyborgs doing corporate espionage in a dystopia, I think."

"No need to argue with her," Fred spoke up next with a shrug. "If she doesn't want to play, then there's no reason to—" Before he could finish speaking, Galatea pulled out of the room and closed the door behind herself, much to everyone's surprise. "Kihihi… See? I told you."

There was a few seconds of awkward silence hanging in the air, but in the end, Penny cleared her throat and tried to start from the beginning, only to be once again interrupted when the door was practically slammed open and Galatea marched in with a chair over her head.

"I request permission to join the session." After saying so, she put her chair down next to Fred and sat down without waiting for anyone to respond.

"Whit's up wi' th' sudden chaynge o' mynd?" Duncan spoke everyone's minds, and it took the androidess a few seconds to process his question.

"I'm predisposed to be interested in technopunk settings."

"It's not actually Technopunk," Penny interjected, and when Galatea looked at her again, she hastily sputtered, "I-I mean, it's not the actual Technopunk 20XX gamebook! The core book costs a lot, and then there are all of these supplements for all the techno-ware and network-swimmer stuff that has to be bought separately, and I couldn't afford it all."

"You can't afford it?" Raven Boy echoed her with a squint. "How's that possible when Leonard's so filthy rich? Is he not giving you anything?"

"I've got my allowance, but…" she started, but then shook her head and continued in a borderline panicked tone. "I-I-It doesn't matter where my money had gone! It's just gone, okay? Poof! The important part is that I couldn't buy the rulebooks, so I went with an alternative."

"We're using a ruleset based on the GRUMPS system," Snowy came to the rescue again and started handing out character sheets, along with copies of the same booklet Penny was waving around. "You can find the basics in there. It's actually much simpler than the one we use in the other game."

"And it's free!" Penny tacked on, but nobody paid her any attention.

"What does GRUMPS stand for?" Raven Boy inquired once he received his booklet. Once he opened it up, he let out a soft hum. "Never mind. Apparently, it's Generic Rules for Universal Meta-Play System."

"Analytics indicate that they were reaching really hard to get the acronym they wanted to use," Galatea noted with a frown as she read the first page of the manual. "According to my database, such conduct is highly correlated with sub-standard products."

"Oh, wow!" Ichiko exclaimed and poked the booklet while showing it off to the Faun serving as her seat. "Look, Karukk-san! I can make a character with laser cannons for arms!"

"… I retract my previous statement," the androidess hastily stated and began leafing through her copy, trying to find the same page. "My analytical engine reports that I'm ninety-one-point-two percent likely to love this game."

"I knew that this would happen," Fred noted while shaking his head, though he was also just as engrossed in the pages as her. "You really need to break out of your comfort zone and try new things every once in a while."

"[This has rules for vehicle combat too?]" Karukk muttered absently, drawing everyone's attention.

"I'm here to translate!" Snowy explained in a hurry. "He was asking about vehicle combat."

"Yeah, it's so cool!" Penny sounded more excited by the minute. "You can have car chases, and fights with hoverbikes, and you can even build your own mini-mecha and fight other robots!"

Needless to say, Fred's ears perked up at once.

"Wait, did you say 'mecha'? Kihihi! Which page is that?"

The question earned a sideways glance from Galatea, followed by a biting, "Initiating replay: You really need to break out of your comfort zone and try new things every once in a while."

"Quiet, you! Giant mechs are cool!"

While the two of them continued to bicker, Penny grabbed another stack of papers, each one about the size of a quarter of an A4 page, and spread them in the middle of the table.

"Making a character from scratch takes too long, so I thought we should try doing the same thing brother's group had done. I brought an official scenario and printed out a bunch of pre-made characters to streamline things. Pick one that you like, and write the stats and skills into your character sheet. If you want to change some things, you can do that within the point limit, just tell me about it beforehand."

"Sounds fun!" Ichiko exclaimed and pointed at the papers, at which point Karukk let out a defeated sigh and reached out to grab a few of them and handed them over to her.

Meanwhile, Galatead browsed through the pre-made characters and asked, "Which one has laser cannons?"

"Oh, this one!" Ichiko exclaimed, and the two of them exchanged cards.

"Kihihi! I like this 'rigger' class!" Fred exclaimed while inspecting one of the cards. "It says they use exoskeletons to fight. Is there a size limit on those?"

"Careful, master. You're drooling."

"I'm not!" he snapped at Galatea, but then the conversation moved along when Raven Boy let out a nostalgic sigh.

"Ah, this takes me back. It's been ages since I last played a game like this."

"Agrawain-san used to roleplay?" the tiny miko didn't miss the opportunity to pry, and after some hesitation, he nodded.

"When we were in Berlin, I met a few guys while gathering information at an old shopping street, and we played a few Technopunk 20XX sessions at a game store." He had a wistful look in his eyes and whispered, "I wonder how they're doing."

"If ye'r curious, juist fin' thaim. Tis nae lik' we hae tae scouk anymair, lik' we used tae."

"Yeah, I know, but… I left in a hurry when we moved to another stronghold, and I have no idea where they are now," Raven Boy continued to grumble while shuffling the character cards in his hands.

"Hah! That's nae lik' ye at a'! Wis yin o' thaim a bonny lassie, by ony chance?"

"N-No?" the guy responded in a manner that pretty much screamed 'Yes', but then the discussion was pulled in a different direction when Ichiko, ignoring the mood, waved to get his attention.

"That means Agrawain-san is a veteran, right? Can you help me pick a good class for Karukk-san?"

"I'll see what I can do about that," Raven Boy jumped at the opportunity, and turned to the Faun. "What kind of character are you thinking of."

"[Since I'm here to look after the kid, I was thinking along the lines of a healer. The kind that's good at lots of things.]"

"Karukk says he'd like to play a support class, like a doctor," Snowy translated for him.

"That's unexpected. Let me see what I can do."

While that corner was busy picking characters, and the mad science duo was already in the process of customizing their own characters based on the templates provided for them, the only one who wasn't doing anything was Snowy, and that didn't escape my other sister's attention.

"What about you, s-sister? Are you going to pick a class?"

"Hm? Oh, no. I already made mine," she explained and pulled a character sheet out of somewhere. "I only read the manual once, so I'm not sure it's good enough…"

"Lemme give it a look!"

Without waiting for her to answer, Penny snatched the character sheet out of her hands and began to scrutinize it.

"Hm. I see, I see. Your character's Dexterity score is a little low."

"She's a hacker, and I needed the extra points of the last level of Intelligence," my Abyssal sister explained, earning her a dismissive scoff.

"It's still too unbalanced. Here, let's just add two more points to this one, and..."

"W-Wait! That goes over the point budget for character creation!" Snowy protested and tried to take her character sheet back, but Penny was faster and pulled it back in the nick of time.

"A few points here and there don't matter much," she insisted and started rubbing the paper with the eraser end of her pencil. "While we're at it, let's give her some extra traits too!"

"But it's against the spirit of the game!"

"It's just for fun, and you're going to have more fun with more traits!" Penny argued, and I had to conclude that she managed to learn the exact wrong thing from Angie's DM-ing style, giving preferential treatment and favouritism before the game even began.

"Penny-san! Penny-san!"

My sisters' struggle was interrupted by Ichiko raising her hand over her head, and it provided just enough distraction for Snowy to snatch her character sheet back. Sulking, my other sister turned to the tiny miko.

"Yes? What is it?"

"Can I play as a kitsune?"

"A what?"

"A fox-girl," Fred interjected without looking up from his characters sheet, doing about as much min-maxing while modifying his build as I was expecting from him. In comparison, Galatea just put every stray point into her arm-cannon master and… the animal friend trait? That… actually made a lot of sense, now that I thought about it.

In any case, Penny shook her head and categorically stated, "No. This is a corpo-dystopian techno-punk future Earth. There are no fantasy races here."

"But… if it's the future, and there are kitsune now, then wouldn't it make sense that there are kitsune in the future too?" Ichiko argued back quite vehemently, taking my sister aback. Thankfully, Snowy was there to pick up the ball.

"This is a setting where there are only humans, so everyone has to be a human," she began, but seeing that the little girl was starting to pout, she fell silent.

"[The book says that characters can have all kinds of cybernetic enhancements, right?]" Karukk interjected and pointed at a certain page on the pamphlet. "[Doesn't that include cosmetic ones?]"

"That's a great idea!" My Abyssal sister's face lit up and she turned to Ichiko again. "You can't be a kitsune, but you can make your character look just like one with cybernetics. You can give her fox ears and a tail, at the very least."

To illustrate, she mimed having ears on the top of her head with her hands, and it eased the little miko's mood, as well as drew a giggle from Penny.

"How are the characters coming along?"

"Kihihi! I'm almost done!" Fred declared and showed off a character sheet that had been rewritten so many times, I would've told him to just start a new one. "I'll be a rigger with a modular power armor using state-of-the-art science and—"

"My fictional character is also adequately completed," the androidess cut him short, much to his annoyance. "I gave my character as many mechanical enhancements as possible, and she will be providing ranged support for the team."

She glanced to the other side of the table,

"I'll go with a trusty melee build," Agrawain took the baton of the conversation. "Wired reflexes, dual katanas, sub-dermal plating, and the remaining points went into some charisma traits for better bargaining and quest rewards. Boring, but practical."

"Ah will be a demolitions expert," Duncan declared. "Tis th' identical as th' yin oan th' caird. Och, 'n' ah picked th' French trait."

"Being French is a trait?" Ichiko blurted out in surprise. "Can I be Japanese then?"

"Sure," Penny responded, though her eyes were glued to Duncan and slowly narrowed into a suspicious squint. "What does the trait do?"

"Makes you talk funny and surrender at the drop of a hat?" Agrawain blurted out, and Duncan let out a throaty chuckle.

"Ah, sacré bleu! Ai ran oot of wine! Ai can't possib-lee fight zese enemees lik zis!! Ai givé up!"

The two Knights shared a glance, and then, as if rehearsed ahead of time, gave each other a high five, causing my sister to roll her eyes. Also, for the record, could anyone explain to me how his attempt to do a cheesy French accent ended up more comprehensible than his default accent?

"That wasn't nice, Duncan! You can't make fun of the French like that! It's rude!"

"Ai can't 'air you. Mon airs are full of croissants."

"Why would you even have pastry in your ears!? It makes no sense!"

In the meantime, Snowy took her character sheet and spoke up with a mousy voice, "My character is a network specialist. I can debuff enemies, and stop enemies from debuffing the party."

"Oh. That seems useful." Raven Boy looked genuinely impressed. "Can you also stop enemies from detecting us? You know? Turn off cameras and security alarms? That kind of thing."

"Y-Yes! I put a lot of points into hacking, so I should be able to do that!"

"Good thinking." He glanced at the science-duo, still busy munchkining their builds. "We have more than enough heavy hitters in the team already, so some utility support is welcome."

"Yes! That's what Leo told me when we were playing the other game too."

The guy's cheery disposition wilted in record time, and he muttered, "I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day."

Meanwhile, Ichiko raised her hands, waiting for her turn, and when it seemed like everyone else was done, she exclaimed, "I'm a mecha-kitsune! She's tall, and super-pretty, and she has long legs and big boobs!"

"That's… nice to know, but what does she actually do?" Penny inquired a touch awkwardly, and when the mini-miko only looked at her with question marks circling her head, Raven Boy leaned over to take a look at her character sheet.

"She's… an unconventional face build. Lots of points in appearance and seduction. I guess she would make a decent fixer-type character?"

"I support," Karukk spoke up next, not using Faunish for once. "Big. Heavy armor, to protect girl. Also, healer."

"Basically, a heavily armored medtech," Agrawain summarized, and Penny took a few notes behind her screen.

At last, she looked up and her eyes swept over the whole group.

"Is everyone happy with their characters?"

Everyone nodded more-or-less in unison, capped by Duncan exclaiming, "Oui, oui! Let's get zis game goeng, mon friénds!"

"Stop it!" Penny yelled back, but it only made the two Knights chuckle. It was probably an inside joke I didn't get.

"Before we start!" Ichiko interjected just as Penny was about to start the narration, and she pointed at Raven Boy. "Since Agrawain-san is the most knowledgeable about this tek-noo-punk thing, I propose that we elect him the leader and follow his lead!"

"Smart," the Faun nodded and patted her head, which caused her to puff her chest out with pride.

"My probability engine predicts a ninety-eight-point-nine percent chance for a positive outcome from this proposal. Therefore, I support it."

With Galatea's agreement opening the flood-gates, everyone fell in line, and it ended with Raven Boy shrugging.

"Fine by me, I guess."

"Great! Any other questions or proposals?" Penny waited for a moment to see if there were any further interjections, and when everyone remained silent, she rubbed her hands, as if she'd been waiting for this moment for ages. "All right! Here it goes."

Despite saying that, she didn't launch into the campaign right away, but instead she took a gulp from the open soda can on her left, cleared her throat, and lowered her voice into a familiar, and in retrospect hilarious, faux-baritone.

"Welcome to Daytown! Welcome to the edge. It takes a special kind of person to thrive here: tough, smart, mean, nasty ... and just a little bit lucky. Sit still, and the world will pass you by – or roll over you. Trust? Trust is for suckers. Anyone out there will knife you for the price of a six-pack of beer. You've got to be quick. There are deals to be made and deeds to be done. If you're on top, you can bet there's a pack of wolves at your heels, ready to leave you bleeding in the street without a coin to your name. Stay ahead of the curve, or you might just end up as yet another name claimed by Daytown."

"Wow. Dark," Fred noted a tad flatly, and others seemed to share his reaction.

"It's just the intro text!" Penny protested, with her natural voice, and showed off a copy of the printed-out rulebook. "It says you're supposed to read this for the players to get into the mood."

"Ah, I'm een la mood all right! La mood fair zum cheese, zat eez! Ho 'o!"

"Duncan, you either stop that, or I'll tell Uncle Roland!"

The big oaf finally calmed down and grumpily clicked his tongue. Meanwhile, Raven Boy tapped against his character sheet and turned to the DM corner.

"So the setting is called Daytown, right? Where are we?"

"I'm getting to it!" Penny cleared her throat again, and it was time for the revenge of the deep voice, round two. "Daytown is a place with many opportunities. Some are here to make money. Others want to make a name for themselves and aim for the top. Yet others are driven by ideology or a more down-to-earth cause. Only you know what drove you to this smoky bar in the slums, where our tale begins." Penny paused, and rolled her dice behind the DM shield, though since there was nothing to roll for yet, she probably did it just to set the mood. "All of you are from diverse origins, yet you came together for a job that will put all of your individual skills to the test. Succeed, and you may etch your names into the annals of Daytown. Fail, and you may not even make it into the footnotes."

"Are all of us in the bar?" Snowy asked, and Penny nodded.

"Yes. That's how the adventure module starts." Seeing that there were no other questions, it was deep-voice time again. "You're here to meet Steve Jackson, an up-and-coming fixer who works with the best, but is also willing to take chances on new faces looking for an opportunity to make a name for themselves in the business. He arrives right on the agreed-upon time sharp, and enters the corner reserved for your ragtag group. He's backed up by two heavily chromed bodyguards."

"Chromed?" the question slipped out of Duncan's mouth, and it was Galatea who answered him.

"It means they have replaced most of their inferior biological organs with superior machine parts."

"Yes," Penny responded, only to catch herself and return to her narrator's voice, "I mean, yes! They have the best, bleeding-edged techno-ware money can buy. Steve Jackson looks normal in comparison, but even he seems strange in his high-society suit and designer sunglasses in the dimly lit bar."

"Does he have a goatee?" Raven Boy asked, as if by reflex, and just as Penny was about to respond, my other sister let out a panicked yelp and covered her mouth.

"Don't answer that!"

"Why?" the guy muttered, bewildered by the development.

"It's… bad luck," Snowy whispered and let go of my other sister once she was sure she got the message.

"So… Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. It doesn't matter." After concluding so, Penny cleared her throat for the umpteenth time. "He looks over your group and flashes a sparkling smile any used car salesman would kill for. 'Welcome to Daytown, friends!' he greets you and lights a cigar. 'I believe I have an amazing gig for you, so long as you're willing to get your hands a little… dirty.'"

Raven Boy raised his hand.

"Since I'm apparently the leader, I stand up and offer him a hand, trying to make a good impression on him."

"Good! That should be a…" My knightly sister continued to mumbled while messing with her notes behind the screen and then let out a delighted noise. "Yes! I found the table! Make a charisma check!"

"Kihihi! Here, use these."

Fred handed over the paper cup with the three six-sided dice in it, and after shaking it, Raven Boy slammed them against the table like he was playing Yathzee. After a long beat, he lifted the cup, revealing three straight sixes.

"Wow! That's a good start!" he exclaimed with childish glee, only to freeze when he noticed the look on my sisters' faces. "What? Isn't this a critical success?"

"N-No," Snowy stammered, unsure how to break the news. "In the GRUMPS system, you… want to roll under your modified attribute score for success."

"Oh. Oooooh…" You could practically see the gears turning in the guy's head, and he whispered, "So this makes it a critical…"

"Failure, yes," Penny noted, obviously bummed out by the way her sessions started. With a sigh, she picked up the table and started rolling her own dice. "Thirteen means… You trip over, and accidentally sucker-punch your target."

"Ow. That's not good," Raven boy muttered, but his dispirited expression soon turned into a baffled one when he heard another set of dice rolling.

"I'm going to attack one of the bodyguards!" Ichiko explained, much to Penny's confusion and Snowy's disbelieving exasperation.

"But… why?"

"The leader attacked them, and we must follow the leader, so I also attack them. I'll do I roundhouse kick! Did I hit them?"

"You don't have to attack them just because he—!" Penny tried her best to rein in the situation, but then there was the sound of another set of dice rolling, and she turned a wide-open gaze at Galatea. "What are you doing?"

"I'm attacking them with my laser cannon," she explained like it was self-explanatory. "Wait. Redact that. Would we also be caught up in the AoE if I used my plasma cannons instead? Because if not, I would like to use my plasma cannons instead."

There was a long beat of silence at the table, lasting right until Raven Boy exhaled a defeated breath and picked up his dice.

"Oh, to hell with it! I'll take out my swords, and attack them too!"

"Hah! That's zé spirit! I'll join la frai too!"

"No! Guys! You're ruining the story!"

While my knightly sister tried her best to plead with her trigger-happy players, my other sister buried her head in her palm and whispered, "I can't believe it happened again…"

I had no idea why she was so shocked. As Helmuth von Moltke the Elder famously said, no tabletop game scenario survives contact with the players. Or was it Eisenhower? Maybe Gandhi? In any case, these were wise words to live by, and if my dear sister wanted to walk the thorny road of a DM, she would have no choice but to accept them.