Jaycee's Blog - Wed, Feb 21 (Patreon)

I'm writing this, so I guess that means I'm still alive. The fight with Tulok the lunar bear took place about ten days ago. It took us (Kaya and I) about a week to find him. I don't know how familiar you are with the North Pole, but it's fucking cold! Kaya may be used to it, but me, not so much. Sure, my tattoos and special abilities have helped me adapt, but I had to be careful not to transform myself TOO much to avoid freaking her out.

Now, about fighting a polar bear: most "how to" videos about polar bears don't tell you how to kill one. They tell you how to SURVIVE a polar bear attack. Kaya wasn't any more helpful than YouTube. If I wanted to kill a polar bear, especially a mature one like Tulok, I was on my own.

First off, there's something called "bear spray," and it's your best friend if you're ever stupid enough to go bear hunting. My plan was as simple as it was stupid: I'd cook meat on an open fire (to lure Tulok), then use bear spray on it to blind it and disable his sense of smell. Even then, polar bears can measure 10 feet tall and weigh upwards of 1,500 lbs, so it's not even close to a fair fight, even with my increased strength, agility and stamina.

Guns would have been an option, but I'm not a fan. I don't own one, I don't know to operate one, and I wasn't sure it'd do the trick anyway. Short of having an assault rifle of some sort, I was told it wouldn't do the trick.

So enter my post-apocalyptic weapon of choice: Mr. Chainsaw.

Now if you're not physically adept like I now am, thanks to my tattoos, I don't recommend you try this approach. It's dangerous, it's bloody, and absolutely terrifying. The fight didn't last long, perhaps 5 minutes or so? But it felt like hours, kind of like a D&D combat. (If you've ever played D&D, you know what I mean. Fights of a few minutes can take HOURS to run.) I blinded the bear, closed in on him, and got clawed in the chest pretty bad. Once I got the chainsaw running and stabbed him a few times with it, tearing and bleeding got it down pretty quick. I was bleeding pretty bad myself, but Kaya was kind enough to sew me up and dragged me back to our little camp. (She was also kind enough to cut off Tulok's balls for me, since I was too weak from blood loss to do it myself.)

So yay, I got myself a nice pair of lunar bear testicles, nicely preserved and ready for my next tattoo. The fight was ten days ago, and it's taken me most of that time to recover. I got a few scars left at the moment, but they're largely find and healing quickly.

So I'm on my way back and that much closer to getting the non-detection tattoo that will hide me permanently from Tarantina. It doesn't mean she can't find me through other means and still kill me if she does, but, y'know, baby steps.

--Jaycee