To Hell and Back (chapter 1) (Patreon)

Chapter 1: Welcome to Hell

It all happened at once. The deer shooting out in front of the headlight, the smashing of the breaks, the swerving of the car on the icy roads as the vehicle rolled like a tumble-weed before smashing into the dense thicket of trees just beyond the ditch. His body felt numb and the steering wheel felt wet against his forehead. He tried gasping for air, yet his lungs failed him. And as the last vestiges of his consciousness slowly faded he thought he saw a bright light coming his way. Strange, it felt warm.
The next thing Ethan Luciano Iverson knew his mind snapped back and he was suddenly sitting in a chair inside a room. Dazed and confused, he inspected his body for injuries. Was that a dream? He thought for a moment. No, he was clearly driving just a moment ago. And he still recalled what he was doing earlier that day where he had just finished up his part-time job at the grocery store and was on his way back home. But now…. Where the Hell am I?
Scanning his surroundings it appeared to be a small office with plain tan walls, no windows save for several paintings each depicting bizarre imagery that felt out of place when next to each other and a large mahogany desk littered with paperwork, office supplies and a Sitting in the large leather chair across from him sat a woman with dark features and vividly yellow eyes.
“Welcome to Hell.” She said.
“Huh?” Ethan was still disoriented. “W-where am I?” He asked.
“I just said. Welcome to Hell.” The woman repeated once more with a grin.
Getting a better look, he noticed something unusual about her. Her skin was quite pale, almost sickly looking which contrasted her ebony black hair. Not only that, she wore what appeared to be a black suit straight out of gothic europe. But the most strange thing about her were two long black horn-like protrusions sticking out of her head.
Ethan was flabbergasted. Was he just dreaming? If so, it was quite the lucid dream. “W-what do you mean Hell? Who are you? Where am I? And wasn’t I just in my car?”
“Well, to put it bluntly. You died—car crash, specifically. You’re now in Hell. So, welcome to Hell. And my name is Vela Noir. But you can call me Vela.” She smiled
He found it hard to believe. Just looking around at this drab office room with it’s one weird resident wasn’t enough to convince him that this were truly the Realm of Eternal Damnation. Though, he never believed in such fairy tales in the first place. To him, this was all just a dream. Yes, all he had to do was close his eyes, count to three and he would wake up.
“This isn’t a dream, kid. You're in Hell so accept it already.” Vela said with an exasperated annoyance similar to a retail worker dealing with an inept customer.
"B-but…. H-how…"
"Make me repeated myself one more time, and I will castrate you."
Ethan was about to say something when the horned-girl pulled out a crude, rusty dagger stained in dried blood and proceeded to throw it with pinpoint accuracy into the seat of his chair mere centimeters short of his crotch.
He kept his mouth shut and closed his next words carefully.
“Okay, if this isn’t a dream and is in fact Hell then where is all the fire and brimstone and whatnot?” He asked.
“Oh, no that’s Inferno. Not a place that someone like you to go. However, if you want to go there,” she reached under her desk and pressed a button, “I am more than happy to oblige.” she said with a wry smile.
Suddenly, the floor opened up before him revealing a fiery abyss of such unimaginable horror that Ethan fell back from his chair in a panic. “NO NO, I DON’T WANT TO GO THERE!”
Vela pushed the button again as the portal disappeared from the floor. She then got up from her desk and grabbed a small folder of documents and walked towards him. “Sorry about that.” She chuckled. “It’s hard to resist messing with humans sometimes.”
Ethan hadn’t noticed it at first due to her sitting a moment ago, but she also had a long devil-like tail with crescent shaped point. Alarm bells were starting to ring in his head and he scurried to the corner of the room.
She must have sensed his hostility, for she cracked a friendly smile and said, “Relax. I was only kidding.”
“So, I’m not going to Hell?”
She sighed. “How many times do I have to tell you? You’re already in Hell. Well… that’s not really the actual name. It’d be more accurate to call this place the Soul Recycling Realm. We just use that term to avoid confusion with you humans. As for the realm you just saw, that’s Inferno. And only the most wicked and vile souls in existence are sent there. But I digress, “You’re probably wondering what you are doing here Ethan.”
“How do you know my name?”
“I know many things about you. For example,” Vela opened up the folder and began reading it, “You were born on July 13—via artificial insemination—to the lesbian couple, Marla Iverson and Juanita Luciano. You never lost your virginity once, though were quite an avid masturbator and keep your porn stashed in a small flash drive which you keep hidden in one of your drawers. Although you started in your teens with some basic nude photos of women and pornstars, you gradually progressed towards the japanese art known as hentai where now your main source of getting off includes lactation, "shortstack", and fut–”
“Alright that’s enough!” He interjected.
She got back on topic. “Anyways, based on your Soul Certificate, you are what we might call a special case.”
“My Soul Certificate?”
She nodded. “Think of them as a person’s own proof of existence. We use these Soul Certificates—which also contain a detailed record of a person’s life—like your masturbation record–to determine the appropriate sentence in Hell. Depending on how good or bad a person was in life can mean the difference between eternal torment or bliss. Are you following what I’m saying so far?”
He nodded. Though, he still had many questions. Some off-topic, like why was she wearing—on closer inspection–not actual gothic clothing but the kind you'd see at some cosplay convention, including the coat, pants and black leather boots.
“Now we’ll get to the main point. You see, unlike any other human, your record is completely neutral.”
Vela held the document in front of Ethan. He was shocked to see a profile picture of himself including date of birth and date of death (he didn’t like the obvious reminder) along with other accurate and precise descriptions. Strangest of all was a graph which showed two parallel horizontal bars of opposing color that were of equal length. The top blue bar read Virtues while the bottom red bar read Sins
“See this chart?” She pointed to the graph. “These are the total number of sins you’ve committed in your life compared to the amount of virtues. Even though the amount is small—I mean, you’ve led a much blander life compared to others—you’ve somehow managed to equalize both your sins and virtues. Which is…” She scratched her head, “It’s something I’ve never seen before. Quite possibly in Hell’s entire history.”
He had no idea where this woman—or rather, demon was going with this. “So, what does this mean?”
“Well, usually how it works is whichever of the two is higher determines if the soul is punished or not. But in your case, neither are an option. For your sins and virtues have effectively cancelled each other out. Meaning, you aren’t necessarily a good guy, but you are also not a bad guy. You’re more of a…” She thought for a moment. “A…nothing?....No, a…. Nobody. Yes, let's go with that.”
He didn’t know if he should take that as a compliment or an insult. But from what he could gather, it seemed they were struggling to figure out where exactly to put him. That’s when an idea struck him.
“Hey, if I’m a…” He strained, “Nobody. And you guys are conflicted on where to send me, couldn’t you just give me a second chance?”
It was worth a shot. Plus, after the short experience with Inferno, he wanted to be as far away from there as possible (even if this was all just a dream).
Vela pondered the thought as Ethan tensed up. “Normally such a thing would be forbidden, but your predicament is a very rare anomaly. Hang on, I’ll check with the boss.” Picking up antique phone on the desk, she dialed number.
Ethan could barely make out another woman’s voice on the other end. “Hello? Yes, this is Vela. I have a question regarding the recent arrival, Ethan Winters.”
They talked for a minute.
“Uh-huh.” Vela nodded. “Okay… But isn’t… Oh!” She paused, “We can really do that? Her Lady said so? Okay, thanks.”
She hung up and nodded to Ethan. “Well, it’s your lucky day Mr. Winters. It has been decided by our Lord that you are to return to the Human world as soon as possible and to come back when you have a more unstable record.”
Ethan blew a sigh of relief. Finally, he could wake up from this. No doubt he would be waking up as the paramedics were loading him onto the stretcher. Or the hospital. Or in his car with possible head injuries which will hurt like a bitch once he comes to. But there’s no point in worrying about such things yet.
Just then a large rectangular box-like Elevator materialized from the ground. It looked completely worned down with rust covering all sides with only traces of the metal remaining. The doors creaked open with smoke billowing out from the top revealing a small room that was lit by a dim buzzing light. There was no way this shody looking elevator was his way out, was it?
Vela gestured him inside.
The inside was bland. There weren’t even any floor buttons to press, only an indicator on the top with an arrow pointing up which said, “To the Human World”. Before the doors closed, she gave a quick friendly wave goodbye followed by a, “Hope to see you again real soon.” Which was in no way sinister but still gave Ethan goosebumps.
There was a loud whir followed by the puffs and creas of old rusty gears coming to life for the first time in ages. The elevator jerked slightly, making Ethan queasy. He wasn’t the most comfortable with heights and being enclosed in a metal box that moaned and groan from years of not being in use didn’t help. He tried to keep his mind off the noise and just focus on other things such as where he was going to end up once he woke back up. But more importantly, how he was going to explain to the insurance agent the damage on the car.
Then there was a loud snap as if a wire had broken under pressure. The elevator groaned for a moment before another loud snap was heard and the box jerked causing Ethan to fall to the ground. He didn’t move. His heart was beating like crazy as he listened to the long steady creaking.
The final cord snapped, and the elevator plummeted down to the furthest most unfathomable depths of Hell.