Apocalypse Tamer 90: Man vs Train (Patreon)

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In the end, Basil enjoyed a Merry Christmas.

The battle had ended without casualties, the food was good—though wendigos tasted a bit too much like pork for his taste though—the gifts were mostly pleasant, and the Party played Monopoly late into the night. Basil was almost sad to leave the Vampire Castle behind after making so many happy memories there.

Almost.

“Your departure will be dearly missed, Master!” Eddie prostrated himself at Basil’s feet as the Bohens finished filling the Steamobile with supplies. “Your dear servant would love to join you in battle, but he shall dutifully garrison this humble fortress in your absence.”

“Yeah, sure,” Basil replied absentmindedly. “And if you don’t want me to come back, you’re going to host any friendly adventurer or civilians you’ll meet.”

“Good Eddie will take care of everything, do not worry!”

Basil had seen jelly monsters with a stiffer spine than this bloodsucker. At least his castle would make for an excellent base for his Guild in Eastern Europe or serve as a teleportation evacuation point in a pinch.

With the Christmas event completed, the Party would travel non-stop until its next destination: Bulgaria. Returning to his homeland filled Basil with a sense of dread and excitement. He hoped his mother had survived so far; and woe to any dragon that would stand between them.

Speaking of dragons, Basil had enough levels in reserve to cap his Dragonknight class; which of course he did. He suppressed a grunt of pain and pleasure as magical power infused his bones and flesh, sharpening his senses and strengthening his mind. He felt a thrill greater than ever before, a rush of power unlike anything he had ever experienced; the power to slay even the greatest of dragons.

Dragonknight levels 12 to 20 Stat Gains: +9 STR; +9 AGI; +4 VIT; +7 SKI; +4 MAG; +1 INT; +8 CHA; +5 LCK. You have gained 290 HP and 90 SP. You can now learn and cast up to ten spells.

Double Jump II (Passive): You can jump continuously while in midair, allowing you to fly. Additionally, the distance of your leaps is doubled and the damage of your Spear weapons is doubled while in the air.

Dragon Rider II (Passive): You gain perfect proficiency with riding creatures, but only those with the [Dragon] Type (+30% damage to attacks when mounted, you cannot be dismounted by anything unless you wish to be, your mount’s Agility benefits from a perpetual buff, and you can direct your mount and attack without splitting your attention).

Dragonbreath II (Active): The power of your breath is increased to 90 base damage. Additionally, it has a 30% chance of inflicting an additional ailment based on its element. Element selected: [Corrosion]. Associated ailment: [Poison].

Dragoon II (Passive):  You gain perfect proficiency with Swords, Spears and Shields (x3 damage, +30% Crit).

You have capped [Dragonknight] at level 20. You have earned the following Capstone Perk: [Wyrm Spirit]. You can also select one of your stats except for HP/SP; it will receive a one-time bonus chosen at random (maximum +6).

Wyrm Spirit (passive): Your determination to win at all costs is truly worthy of a dragon. Your attacks made with weapons, including your natural ones, increase in power equal to the percentage difference between your Max HP and current HP (so if reduced at half health, you will inflict 50% more damage). This modifier does not apply to Spells, but it affects Weapon Techniques.

Basil remembered that fateful day in Château Muloup, when his team took its first casualties. Orcine’s killer had used a powerful Perk called Revenge that increased the power of his attacks based on the difference between his maximum HP and his current amount. A few wounds had made that man powerful enough to kill his foes in a single blow.

Wyrm Spirit wasn’t as devastating as the other ability, since it was based on percentage rather than a flat number bonus… but Basil understood the potential application more than anyone.

“You look melancholic, dog,” Plato said. He hadn’t exited the Simba costume since yesterday. The red mane and yellow linen contrasted greatly with his tiger cub face, but Basil found it cute. “Are you as disappointed as I was when I didn’t become a smilodon?”

“You look better without two toothpicks stuck in your mouth, Plato,” Basil replied before assigning his extra stat points. He briefly hesitated between boosting his Strength even more and increasing his Intelligence for better System information before settling for the last option; improving Monster Insight’s chances to gather an enemy’s weaknesses would prove more useful than a tiny bit of extra power.

You have earned 6 INT points and 30 SP.

Basil summoned his halberd and did a few practice movements with it. Before, the System had allowed him to wield the weapon with expert mastery, but now he had become one with it. His halberd felt like an extension of his arm; a claw of steel and fire. Basil swung it at a wall. The blade cut through stone like air, without even slowing down.

“What was that for?” Plato asked. “Interior redecoration before we leave?”

“You could have drawn a heart,” Vasi mused.

“Good idea.” Basil took the suggestion in stride and marked the stables’ walls with a message: ‘B+V forever’ surrounded by a heart. Vasi smiled at this sign for posterity, but her grin didn’t reach the eyes.

The thought of meeting her sire weighed heavily on her mind.

The transdimensional family gathering would happen on New Year’s Eve, so Vasi had a few days to decide whether she intended to attend it or not. Having grown up without a father, Basil understood his girlfriend might have mixed feelings about the whole thing. She needed a little time to process the news.

“I’m going to hit really, really hard from now on,” Basil said as he examined his halberd. Considering all the multipliers at work, it wouldn’t surprise him that he might end up inflicting four-digit damage with passing strikes. “Scalies, beware the wrath of Basil Bohen!”

Shesha hissed in response, but Kalki calmed her by petting the cobra on the head. “We are ready to go, my friend,” the bard told Basil. “Do you want me to cast my spell on you before you use the car upgrade?”

“Let’s see if I can analyze it without help.” Basil summoned the car keys from his inventory and checked. To his joy, the Intelligence investment had paid off.

Christine Keys

Family: Artifact (Consumable).

Quality: A

Single-use car keys imbued with the power to imbue any vehicle with life, turning them into a fully sentient monster with unique Perks. The resulting creature is loyal to its owner, but might develop a taste for manslaughter, highway robberies, and other funny activities. PS: keep away from rockets and self-propelled nukes.

Of all the upgrades Basil could have expected, a brain wasn’t one of them. “I can turn the Steamobile into a sentient monster with unique abilities.”

“Nice!” Shellgirl said with a grin. She had been in a fantastic mood since eating the spirit of Christmas, and seemed ready to take any suggestion with enthusiasm. “The more the merrier!”

“But we live inside the Steamobile!” Bugsy panicked. “Wouldn’t it eat us if it became alive? Would the oven turn into a stomach?”

“I dunno,” Basil replied with a frown. “I don’t know much about sentient car biology. The keys will make it loyal to me, so I don’t believe it would intentionally eat us.”

Plato glanced at Basil, then at the giant cannon atop the Steamobile, and finally back at his best friend. “Is it wise to give an artillery station on wheels a soul?” the cat asked. “I don’t want to jinx it, but we’ve built the thing from Steamslime's and Apollyon’s body parts. We might awaken some bad mojo.”

“That’s…” Basil cleared his throat. “Yeah, that’s a good point.”

“You received experience from both of these creatures, did you not?” Kalki asked. He was met with short nods. “Then their souls should have already reincarnated. Whatever spirit infuses this metal frame, it will be a new one entirely.”

“Having self-propelled artillery would be good for us,” Shellgirl pointed out. “Currently we must man it ourselves when we want to shoot at someone. If this big baby barrel can work by itself, then we can all participate in battle.”

“I could pull it twice faster if it helped me,” Rosemarine added.

Basil listened to all arguments, but it was Vasi’s that convinced him. “We are short on time, Handsome,” she said with a grim scowl. “We have one week before the New Year’s System Event. We need to reach Bulgaria before that time, and unique Perks might help do that quicker… for your mother’s sake.”

When she put it that way…

Deciding the rewards were worth the risk, Basil applied the car keys to the Steamobile and waited for them to take effect. He didn’t have to wait long. His Christmas gift melded into the vehicle’s metal frame.

No obvious change happened at first. After a first few tense seconds, the exhaust ports and pipes of the vehicle let out a powerful burst of steam. The noise of grinding gears and mechanical pistons echoed in the stables. The engines let out a vivid, lifelike roar that shook the ground. The machine’s searchlights and lamps activated all at once, turning to face the Bohens as if they were eyes.

“It’s alive!” Plato shouted. “It’s alive!”

The Steamobile answered with a fearsome wheel roar.

Congratulations, your [Steamobile] has become a sentient monster ([Artificial] Type)! [Steamobile] joined the [Homeowner Revenge Association] Guild!

[Steamobile] has unlocked the [Lair on Wheels] Hidden Perk!

Do you want to give a nickname to your new [Steamobile]?

“Steve,” Basil decided immediately. A clever wordplay immediately came to mind. “Steve Roadwonders.”

Jazzy. Fabulous. Traffic-compliant.

Congratulations, your [Steamobile] has been renamed: Steve Roadwonders.

The machine let out a new burst of steam, which Basil took as a sign of appreciation.

“Steve, really?” Vasi chuckled. “Basil, one day we’ll have to discuss your naming conventions.”

“I’ll do anything for you, Vasi,” Basil replied with a smirk. “But that’s the one thing I won’t budge on.”

“Welcome to the team, Mr. Steve.” Bugsy greeted the awakened machine, although with slight apprehension. He must have still been worried about being eaten alive. “Can you… can you talk?”

The Steamobile’s loudspeakers let out a terrible screech that caused all people present to wince.

“I don’t suppose anyone has a voice modulator to sell?” Shellgirl asked. “Anybody?”

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After checking that sentience hadn’t turned the Steamobile’s insides into intestines, the group left Vampire Castle without looking back.

Although the vehicle didn’t appear to have physically changed, Steve Roadwonders’ newfound sentience did make the journey through Romania quicker. Rosemarine did the lion’s share of pulling it on the road, but the machine perfectly adapted its wheels’ configuration and speed to match her steady pace. Without having to support the vehicle’s full weight, the tropidrake’s speed nearly doubled.

At this rate, they should reach the Wallachia region by nightfall and Bucharest by tomorrow. The Bulgarian frontier would be a stone’s throw away afterward.

Basil spent the trip riding Rosemarine while Vasi and Kalki scouted ahead. He alternated between watching the beautiful Romanian countryside—the forests and hills looked joyfully beautiful under a layer of snow—and checking his new ally’s abilities.

Passive Perks:

• Oppressive: Steve Roadwonders’ mojo intimidates opponents. Enemies hearing or seeing Steve Roadwonders will suffer a Strength and Charisma debuff if they possess a lower charisma than the Steamobile.
• Road Warrior: Steve Roadwonders takes no damage from Traps, Weather, and Field effects.
• Juggernaut: Steve Roadwonder is immune to critical hits and Ailments. Supereffective hits have their effectiveness reduced to x2 instead of x3.
• Manslaughter: The power of all [Physical] attacks is doubled, will ignore Resistance, and will inflict a Manslayer effect (x3 damage against Humanoids).
• Improvement: As a mobile weapon platform, Steve Roadwonders cannot undergo metamorphosis. However, the Steamobile can gain new Perks by incorporating new technology into its frame.
• Lair on Wheels: Steve Roadwonders can become his own Lair and equip himself with Lair features. All members of Steve Roadwonders’ Party, Guild or Faction benefit from the features when in close proximity to him.

Active Perks:

• Gehenna Cannon: [Metal], [Lightning], 250 SP. Steve Roadwonders unleashes a powerful beam of energy from his main cannon (500 base [Lightning]/[Mythic] damage). The beam is a magical attack.
• Shell Rain: [Metal], [Fire], 100 SP. Rains down an artillery bombardment (base damage 200, [Fire]/[Metal]).
• Fury Road: [Support], [Ailment], 40 SP. Steve Roadwonders can apply the [Berserk] status to himself for five minutes, ignoring his own Ailment immunity. In this state, besides the usual bonus of the ailment, Steve Roadwonders has all of his physical stats buffed.
• Speed Burst: [Physical], [Support], 100 SP. Steve Roadwonders ramps up his speed, inflicting heavy [Physical] damage (base power 130) to anything in his path; additionally, he will receive a buff to [Agility] for five minutes.
• Road Hazard: [Corrosion], [Metal], [Earth], [Fire], [Ailment] 100 SP. Steve Wonders releases a set of road hazards in his wake: poisonous spikes (30 [Corrosion] damage, 10% chances to inflict [Poison]), iron spikes (50 [Metal] damage), and sharp rocks (50 [Earth] damage), and sticky bombs (-20% [Agility] unless removed, 50 [Fire] damage once countdown ends).
• Self-Repair: [Support], 0 SP. As an unliving machine, Steve Roadwonders cannot benefit from normal healing spells nor recover HP/SP naturally. However, self-repair systems will let it regain 1/16th of max HP/SP for 5 minutes; Steve Roadwonders cannot use offensive Perks during the repair period.

All in all, the Steamobile was as powerful as its exterior would suggest. Basil wouldn’t be able to bring it to missions that required subtlety, but its sheer strength would make it a boon on the open road.

It had even developed a good taste for music. Steve spent the whole trip playing a series of soul, jazz, and funk songs over the loudspeakers. The music didn’t quite fit the look of the Romanian countryside, but proved entertaining nonetheless; especially since Rosemarine wouldn’t sing for once.

Her behavior was starting to worry Basil. The tropidrake delighted in bloodthirsty tales and chirpy anecdotes, yet she barely spoke during the trip.

“Rosemarine, are you alright?” Basil asked. “Is something on your mind?”

“I’m okay, Mister,” Rosemarine replied without truly meaning it. She hesitated for a short while before finding the courage to speak up again. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course, Darling.”

“Have I been a naughty kid?”

Basil opened his mouth to reassure her, but then he remembered all the violence, the blood, the devouring… “Naughtiness is a question of point of view, Rosemarine,” he replied evasively, trying to reassure her. “It’s all about context.”

“But I’m the only one who has been spanked and my gift was tiny,” she complained. “Haven’t I been nice all year long? I’ve eaten everyone who talked back to us!”

It seemed Krampus had spanked Rosemarine hard enough to make her reconsider her whole life. Basil wasn’t certain how to answer. He loved Rosemarine and supported her unconditionally; in fact, he found her gentle, innocent bloodthirst quite endearing. He had scolded her a few times when she threatened to go after humans or cross certain lines, but he had always done it with a gentle touch and never asked too much of her. He didn’t want her to grow like the plant she was, not to wither away in unhappiness.

That, and Basil had no idea how to raise a child. He never had one.

But he could tell Rosemarine had come to him for answers today. She had grown mature enough to understand her behavior might not be the best in all circumstances, that reality was more complicated than single-minded slaughter.

As much as Basil wanted to reassure Rosemarine that nothing was wrong and indulge her… a good parent should help his child broaden their mind. Only then could they reach greater wisdom and happiness.

“There is more to niceness than eating our enemies, Rosemarine,” Basil replied wisely. “Niceness means helping people too, without expecting anything in return.”

“How so, Mister?” Rosemarine looked away from the road to glance at her Tamer. “We rescued villages and salted the earth with bones!”

“What I mean is that you can help without killing anyone,” Basil said, trying to find the right words for his childish tropidrake. “Like, say, your fruits. When Spring comes, you could share them with hungry people without expecting a reward. You might even appreciate it yourself.”

Rosemarine considered his words before asking the only question that mattered. “So… if I am nice to strangers and give them fruits all year long, I will have a good gift for Christmas?”

Basil wasn’t so certain, but he told Rosemarine what she needed to hear. “Yes.”

“I understand now!” Rosemarine’s gloom was dispelled immediately like snow in the summer sun. Her cheery disposition returned in full force. “I will sow fields with our foes’ blood and give the harvest to orphans!”

“That’s the spirit,” Basil replied as he petted her on the back. He couldn’t explain why, but he had the feeling good things would come out of this discussion.

Plato leaped out of the Steamobile and jumped on Rosemarine’s back. “That was a philosophical discussion worthy of my namesake,” the cat deadpanned. “Are you going to write a book about it? ‘Of Niceness and Naughtiness’?”

“Stop being mean, Plato,” Basil replied with an amused look. “It’s still December 25th.”

“You can’t fathom how much I’m holding back.” Plato sat next to his best friend. “Yo dog, Shellgirl contacted the boys in France. They should send us a vocal synthesizer to help us understand the big steelie.”

The Steamobile answered with a cloud of steam and a happy train noise.

“That’s good,” Basil replied before squinting at Plato. His Simba costume was already starting to smell. “Plato, you should really wash your clothes.”

“Never. I’m never taking it off!” Plato cleared his throat. “Look at this power! This supreme power!”

The Rakshasa Kitten took a deep breath. Whereas he could only muster a cute meow or adorable cry, the sound that came out of his mouth was now the mighty roar of a lion king. It was as if someone had prerecorded Mufasa’s voice and placed it in Plato’s throat.

Basil waited for a buff to arrive… but nothing happened. “Wait, that’s all?” he asked. “Is the voice change purely cosmetic?”

“Of course not. The effect is very simple.” Plato buffed his chest. “You will never mock my meowing again!”

Basil rolled his eyes. Vasi would be most unhappy; she was very fond of Plato’s cries.

Kalki, who had been scouting ahead on Garud’s back, flew back to Basil’s position. “Fliers to our south, Basil,” he warned. “Old foes are afoot.”

Basil half-expected the Apocalypse Force again as he unstored his binoculars from his Inventory. He might have even preferred them to what he observed in the distance: familiar floating metal orbs with a single eye exploring the countryside. They presented little to no danger to Basil’s party, but they heralded the coming of a far greater threat.

The Unity had deployed scouts past the Bulgarian frontier.

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