The Billy Goats Gruff Triad (Tale & Illustration) (Patreon)

Once upon a time there were three billy goats, a triad of loving goat men who lived at the top of a small, grassy hill in a cabin together. As luck would have it, the last name of all three was ‘Gruff’, though it should be known that this is a very common last name for billy goats.

Unfortunately for the trio, the last year had been very dry and hot so much of the vegetables and grasses which they grew on their land had withered away. However, on the mountain nearby the wild grasses grew long and tall and would offer the goats more than enough food to harvest and eat.

On the way up to the mountain was an old stone bridge over a cascading stream they had to cross, and under the bridge lived a great green troll. He was strong and big, with an eyepatch, a ragged mustache, and a nose as bulbous and round as a rutabaga.

So first of all came the youngest Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge. He was a man in his twenties wearing basketball shorts and a tank top, very sporty and happy. He had never met a troll before.

"Trip, trop, trip, trop! " Went his hooves on the bridge.

"Who's that tripping over my bridge?" Roared the troll as he scrambled from underneath to bar the sporty goat’s path.

"Oh, it is only me, the youngest Billy Goat Gruff, and I'm going up to the mountainside to gather delicious grasses for myself and my partners." Said the billy goat, with a rather timid voice.

"I will have my fill of goat meat!" Bellowed the troll as he made his way across the bridge, towards the young man.

"Oh, no! Please don't take me! I'm too small to satisfy a big, strapping troll like you." said the billy goat. "Wait a moment till my partner, the Leather Clad Billy Goat Gruff comes along. He's much bigger."

"Well, be off with you then." said the troll after some consideration, and allowed the sporty goat to pass.

A little while later came the second Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge. He was a man in his late thirties wearing a leather vest, armbands, and a fresh, white jockstrap which indeed left little to the imagination. He was a friendly sort who had only heard stories about trolls.

Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap!” Went his hooves on the bridge.

"Who's that tripping over my bridge?" Roared the troll as he scrambled from underneath to bar the leather clad goat’s path.

"Oh, it's just me, the middle Billy Goat Gruff, and I'm going up to the mountainside to gather delicious grasses for myself and my partners." Said the billy goat, with a startled voice.

"I will have my fill of goat meat!" Bellowed the troll as he made his way across the bridge towards the husky fellow.

"Oh, no! Please don't take me! Admittedly, I’ve quite a bit of meat on my bones, but even so, a powerful troll like you should only have the very best!" Said the billy goat. "Wait a moment till our partner, Papa Billy Goat Gruff comes along. Everyone knows his meat is by far the most impressive in the land."

"Very well! Be off with you then!" Said the troll, as he fantasized about the next goat man, allowing the leather-wearing billy goat to pass.

But just then, along came Papa Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge. He was a man in his early fifties who had dedicated his life to physically demanding labor which built up his impressive body. He wore nothing at all, except for a long beard and the scars of past altercations with stubborn trolls! He was as gruff as his namesake, except with his partners of whom he was very fond.

TRIP, TRAMP, TRIP, TRAMP, TRIP, TRAMP! Went his hooves on the bridge, for this billy goat was so heavy that the bridge creaked and groaned under him.

"Who's that tramping over my bridge?" Roared the troll as he scrambled from underneath to bar the oldest goat’s path.

"It is I! Papa Billy Goat Gruff!" Said the billy goat defiantly, who had a deep and mighty voice of his own.

"I will have my fill of goat meat!" Bellowed the troll as he made his way across the bridge towards the imposing man.

“Well come along! I’ve got two arms which have wrestled trolls bigger than you into submission! My horns are unyielding steel and…” The billy goat eyed the troll carefully. “The meat which swings between my legs may be my most powerful asset, as you’ve yet to take your lust-filled gaze from it!”

That was what the oldest billy goat said, and the eyepatch-wearing troll could only nod and lick his lips hungrily. He went right up to the biggest goat man and fell to his knees, as if in worship and indeed received his fill of rigid, salty goat meat. Not long after, Papa’s younger partners returned to the bridge where they took turns satisfying the old goat, the troll, and each other for many happy hours. When they were finally done, they went up the mountainside and gathered all the bundles of grass they could carry, and ate until their bellies ached.

The Billy Goats Gruff triad still enjoy their lives together at the top of the hill very much, and of course their mutually beneficial arrangement with the troll to this very day.

The End