Getting Started with Submission (Patreon)

Some of us are naturally submissive and some of us are naturally dominant. If you find yourself finding joy, arousal, and fulfillment in the idea of being controlled, serving and pleasing others, you might be more submissive-leaning. In this new Getting Started article, we’re going to dive into the nitty gritty of how to get started with submission!

For those of you who are not naturally submissive, but who are trying a little switch up, remember that it’s perfectly fine to dip your toes in submission slowly, like obeying a few commands in the bedroom over time rather than jumping straight to licking the underside of someone’s boot.

Consent and the Rules of Engagement
As always with anything in the kink world, consent and communication are key! Every time you get a new partner, decide you want to try something new in the bedroom or even revise previously agreed upon rules, you should have a sit down talk with your partner about expectations, hard stops, and safe words/phrases to ensure that everyone is happy and that any and all interactions are consented to.

This starts with having a conversation with your partner about roles and spicing things up in the bedroom. I find it’s best to have this chat outside of the bedroom when you are both in normal head spaces and not in the heat of the moment. Approach the subject by explaining exactly what you desire to do. Whether that’s trying out being tied up, blindfolded, orgasm control, service or some other form of BDSM and how familiar you are with what you would like to try.

When your partner has shown interest, be sure to not just have vocal safe words/phrases, but also physical ones, like a hand signal or foot signal if you are gagged and unable to use your voice.

Doing What Your Dominant Wants You To Do
Obedience and the control over you is a big part of the satisfaction that your dominant will have. But that doesn’t mean that you give up all control. Intense playtime should be scheduled and activities planned beforehand in order to best and safely explore each other in this kink. Remember that your dominant needs you in order to get off as well, so if you are unhappy, or uncomfortable, use that safe word/phrase often!

Unfortunately, submissives can easily be taken advantage of, so I felt it was important to list some red flags. Beware of any partner who thinks the only way to be submissive is to give complete control. A lack of safe words, discussion of what is going to happen or your feelings, and wanting to jump into a BDSM scene too early into your relationship can all be red flags of potential abusers. An unsafe partner may not let you state your limits or needs and might argue that you are not submitting enough when you bring up the subject, but that’s not true. Ignoring your safe word/phrase is a huge red flag and that partner should be dropped immediately.

Other red flags include but are not limited to, isolating you from friends and family, barring contact with others during play, trying to “break” you or force you into a bad mental state, humiliating or belittling you outside of consensual play, mood swings, jealousy, not communicating, refusing to admit fault or apologize after a mistake, ignoring requests to use condoms or engage in safer sex, pushing your limits and stomping boundaries, forcing you to do things that could harm you (like not allowing you to use the bathroom or extreme dieting), lying or cheating, being overly critical, and trying to force you to submit.

At the end of the play session, you should both be happy and satisfied. If your dominant is not prioritizing your comfort, it’s time to stop the BDSM play with them.

Practice
This may sound silly, but practicing is still the best way to get good at being submissive. You can practice submission in your regular life by going above and beyond when others ask you to do chores or work tasks. Listen more than you speak and learn to take a passive role, following rather than leading. When at home, practice being observant and slowly take tasks/chores away from your partner as a sign of submission.

If you are curious about bringing toys into the bedroom, I always suggest shopping with your partner and finding items that you are both interested in. Be sure to start small and work your way up the pain scale. One of the easiest ways to start is to wear a collar as a physical sign of your submission to your dominant.

Check-Ins
Being a good submissive requires an immense amount of trust. During play, it’s your responsibility to not just listen to commands but also to utilize your safe words/phrases if play approaches your limits. Learn to provide feedback and be sure that all expectations, including punishments are agreed upon by both dominant and submissive.

Aftercare
When you’re done, take a moment to reconnect, and come back to a normal head space by talking to each other about how the session went for both of you. Depending on your session, you may both need some aftercare. Being in this kink space can leave you vulnerable, and your partner or you may need some gentle care after to get you up and running again. Maybe one of you had a better time than the other, or maybe something felt a little silly, or maybe something really worked for you, this is the time to talk it out and explore those kinks together!

Listen and loop “Slave to Submission,” “Maid to Serve,” and “Lifelong Submissive” (out July 22, 2022) and subliminals, “Virtue of Weak,” “Mindset - Weak,” “Pegged,” “Restrained,” “Caged,” “Feetish,” and “Compulsion - Spank” to build long lasting submissive habits.

Read this post for a full list of Getting Started Articles! 

xoxo,
thelibrarian