Guest Lecture 1: Vyatkaloosa 🐴 (Patreon)

Hello Class, my name is Major Umbreeyoree. Some of you know me as a fellow attendant of the lectures - but for the next couple of months I’ll be the one giving the lectures. The bat? Well, we all know what you did to Grrrrrakkk... What we did to Grrrrrakkk. Haha ... ha … … … … Anyway, this is my first lecture, so please don’t tease me.

The Planet Vyatkaloosa

The Equus Planet Vyatkaloosa is well known throughout the Union for their main species, the Marellions, use as sla... I mean servants, but few know how the Union first came into contact with this budding utopia.

Back in the year 20XX, an explorer... yes Sergeant Prim? What? No, of course I remember what year it was, but if I just, um, like, tell you everything then what are you students going to learn outside of these lectures... that don't require removing your pants. What was I saying? Oh yes, an explorer named Clyde Humperdale grew tired of the monotony of Space Corps' political intrigue and endless orgies, so when the ship he was stationed on landed on the uninhabited planet then known as Omicron Persei 9, he asked to remain on the planet to study it closely, alone. According to documents found in the space corps servers, the only things he took with him were a week's worth of rations, some basic monitoring equipment, and his pet horse Moxy.

After the week had past, his crew returned to the surface to find him but could find no trace. Records show he was kind of a dick so I doubt the crew looked long for him. The crew wrote a report saying that the planet was extremely dangerous and to avoid the planet at all costs, so Space Corps established a No-Go perimeter around Omicron Persei 9. Yes Major JP?... Just like the perimeter around your anus. Where the fuck do we get these guys. 

Then around the year 29XX - SHUT UP James! - Ace pilot Hymie Pounder was shot down and crashed on Omicron Persei 9. Emerging from the wreckage, he witnessed a battle happening between three rather different looking horse-like people. No Major Hill, not like a centaur, more like humans who look like horses... I don't know who Sarah Jessica Parker is so I wouldn't be able to confirm that. Anyhoo, Hymie noticed that two of the different species were fighting the third, and losing, so he took his blaster shot the third, killing it and saving the other two creatures. 

The two trotted up to Hymie and thanked him for helping them. Since we did not have their native languages installed into our universal translators yet, all he heard was neighs and screams, which would obviously scare anyone which would obviously scare anyone. Not me though... I like the screams... The frail male then stabbed Hymie in the head with a large syringe it had acquired from a satchel it was wearing. Hymie panicked further until he realized he could now understand the new alien species. Species'? Specieses?

After explaining his situation to the new aliens, the frail male alien, whose species we now call Equinox, agreed to help repair his ship, or at least make a functioning SOS beacon, with his specieseses superior intellect, and extreme humility; while the fit female, whose species we all know now as Marellions, told him about the war they are in against the Pegaturians -and how The All-Mother Moxy virgin-birthed their three species after forming the planet with her own hoofs. It is against Space Corps regulations to contradict, alter, or correct their beliefs in any way, no matter how stupidly unbelievable and provably false it is. After all, we all know that every planet in the universe was formed by the Time Pixies. I said QUIET, Major Molina! You and your 'logic'!

After the Equinox activated the SOS beacon - cause I guess he wasn’t as smart as he claimed - Space Corps sent a rescue shuttle to pick up Hymie and start diplomatic relations with the Marellions and the Equinox. But you know, not living up to the expectations of what we claim is fine, ya know, because sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and say stuff that isn’t entirely true, like being able to jump 3 feet in the air, or having an 8 inch dick. I wouldn't know about though. Major Bucholz, I said no teasing! Our next lecture will be on the Marellions, unless I get distracted by something shiny, or vibrating, or.... ahem. Class dismissed!