Xenobiology Guest Lecture: The Vararg (Patreon)

“Good morning class. I’m Mz Sylvia Torquemada – High Moderatrix of the Haardnoks Trust and Safety Council – and please rest assured that today’s lecture takes place in a Safe Space, in which no-one will have to listen to any unpleasant or triggering content, or be exposed to any arguments or worldviews which they do not entirely agree with. There will be no tolerance for any racist, speciesist or sexist remarks – especially from the most disgusting demographic in Known Space – white, cis, heterosexual Terran males. Anyone uncomfortable with such Safety may immediately repair to the University’s dedicated Free Speech Zone – now located in the broom closet on Sanitation Level 2. Next to the furnaces.

You will notice that Professor Alpha is temporarily unavailable to deliver the planned lecture. While Haardnoks remains deeply committed to the representation of toke… ahem… under-represented, species of colour on the Faculty, Professor’s Alpha’s unfortunate behaviour has required a short ‘Time-out’ in one of the University’s Rest and Re-Education Camps in the Gulag Nebula. I’m sure I speak for us all when I wish her a speedy reprogramming and recovery!

Now… What? No, Major Umbreeyoree, I did not reply to your many hundreds of text messages… Because I didn’t enjoy you licking my face at all… No, I didn’t… as I made clear at the… Please stop insisting that I did, Maj… Securibots! Remove Major Umbreeyoree from the hall and have him flogged!

Excellent. The Space is Safe again. Please ignore the desperate pleading and screams of agony from the corridor - I’m sure they will fade quickly. Now, in lieu of Professor Alpha’s planned lecture, your classmate Major Alex has very generously volunteered to deliver a lecture of his own devising - on the subject of the Vararg. Please take the floor, Major...

DON’T CLAP! IT TRIGGERS SURVIVORS! JUST NOD GENTLY AND EXPRESSIONLESSLY!

Over to you, Major Alex…”

"Thank you, Mz Torquemada. I'll press right on...

Evolution:

One of the more mature species in the Union is the Vararg. These highly intelligent beings have been around far longer than humans. In fact, they have observed the growth and evolution of our own race from afar for millenia, never interfering but always watchful.

The story of their evolution is quite remarkable. Many generations ago, an ancestor of the Vararg mutated in a most unusual way, the pores on their skin - which were there to aid in processing the toxic atmosphere - began to release vapours into the air around them. These vapours happened to be an aphrodisiac - and while the Vararg in that particular social group would eventually grow accustomed to its strength, outsiders would be unable to control themselves when exposed to these pheromones. This made it easier for the defending males and females to deal with invading outsiders, as they would be so overcome with lust that they would usually mate with the first thing they could manage.

The advantage that the stronger aphrodisiac would provide, combined with immunity to aphrodisiacs, would prove to be the defining trait in their evolution for evolution for many thousands of generations. Females and males alike would select their mates based on lack of apparent sexual urges, in the belief that this made them less likely to be overcome by the aphrodisiac vapours.

Fast forward to modern society and we find that all sexual urges and pleasures have been eradicated. The ludicrously strong aphrodisiac vapours remain, although they are released in bursts as a form of self defence - much like the hagfish or octopus of Earth. These advanced beings now only mate when they intend to reproduce, which has certainly helped a great deal with the advance of their society.

Society:

While most Vararg are repulsed by displays of a sexual nature, the laws which used to prohibit public displays of sexuality are no longer illegal on their homeworld Aphrospherous. This is mostly due to outsiders visiting and subsequently being imprisoned simply because they weren’t immune to the powerful aphrodisiac which can be accidentally released by a Vararg if they are given a fright or shock.

Generally speaking, Vararg do not wear clothes as (to them) there is nothing sexual about the naked body. Furthermore, those with smaller genitals are considered superior to those with larger ones. This does mean that at first glance one could mistake a male for a female and vice versa as they are also usually a similar size. 

 Much of the time of a Vararg is spent devoted to their work, as they have little desire to do anything else. This often results in tension between them and other species who like to have time off and enjoy themselves, although they do still make the effort to join in with the ways of other cultures.

Citizenship

As the most advanced of the founding members of the Interstellar Union, the Vararg are always held in high regard and often do not have any inclination to interact with lesser species (such as those of the planet Rowwwl we have been recently discussing). In fact, many vital roles within SciCorps and the other Branches are staffed with Vararg. Only recently, with the President's Diversity & Inclusion Diktat, are some of these positions being filled by other non-Terran races. This has led to the demotion of some Vararg into the less senior ranks, forcing them to interact with lesser races. Who knows, maybe you will have the pleasure of meeting one of them yourselves!

If you have any questions about the Vararg, please feel free to keep them to yourself, as I have another appointment which I need to get to. Back to you, Mz Torquemada..."

“Thank you for your excellent contribution, Major Alex – I particularly enjoyed the fact that it wasn’t filled with the sort of degenerate filth that seems to preoccupy Professor Alpha’s work…

NO, STOP CLAPPING HIM! THIS IS A FUCKING SAFE SPACE, YOU MORONS! NOD! NOD GENTLY!

Idiots... Any other Captains and Majors in the class who also wish to present a lecture while Professor Alpha is away can post their submissions in the ‘Hitchkiker’s Guide’ channel on the SpaceCorps Discord using the following code: discord.gg/KXggdh7

I highly recommend you take advantage of the opportunity – you could all do following the good Major Alex’s example. Despite his unfortunate gender and colouring, he is the epitome of a SpaceCorps officer - with impeccable manners and consistently appropriate behav… what was that, Captain Jellefish? He posts pictures of his WHAT all over the class Discord page!...

SECURIBOTS!