UE Rewrite: B2 — 44. Ashrit’s Return (Patreon)

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1. Elinor (Our Evolved Undead Warlord!)

Undying Empire Index

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The noisy bustle of students gossiping throughout the academy hallways tickled Elinor’s ears as she walked its corridors.  Entirely invisible to the throng, her emerald eyes drifted in her study of the giant campus’ aesthetic.  She knew there had to be inconsistencies, yet nothing stood out to her in its design.

Then again, she’d heard the conversations between groups on repeat for the past several hours, which somehow tempered her annoyance at learning that she needed Butter with her to create another phylactery.  Hopefully, that wouldn’t come back to bite her in the ass.

Her focus was pulled to her Status Window, a desire pulling it up:

[Level 24]

[5 Stat Points Available]

[2 Feat Extensions Available]

[1 Equipable Feat Choice Available]

She brushed it aside, her thoughts lingering on everything Nungal had hinted at throughout her shopping day.  So much had been revealed in this Legend Quest, and the goddess had been right; over the last several days, she’d gradually gained levels at seemingly random points.  In reality, the EXP had progressively been fed to her.

Even after meeting Nungal, it was practically impossible to dissect her personality or agenda.  Quite a few factors made her visit extremely aggravating yet shockingly helpful.  If she’d wanted to fill her undead heart with anxiety, then she’d succeeded in ways few had been able to manage since becoming a lich.

A frown touched Elinor’s lips as she stopped at the front entrance of the academy, redacted within her Soul Expanse, imagining the goddess appearing—nothing happened.

She swapped to the hag, and Autumn materialized in a flare of green fire, smiling.  Her dangerous yellow eyes, underneath the facade, glinted with malevolence.

“Damn you,” Elinor growled, dismissing the illusion with a gesture and continuing on her path around the academy, phasing through students.  “Why can I create anything I’ve seen or been around in this Soul Expanse, including a creature as powerful as the hag, yet you’re entirely off-limits?”

Modifying her desire in her personal space, every student changed into the purple-haired, cosmic-eyed goddess, even taking on her voice as they repeated their lines.  It wasn’t what she wanted.  Nungal had specifically pointed out this attribute of their Seeds for a reason, and it wasn’t even that related to the Seeds.

Over the last few days, she’d been obsessed with exploring the possibilities this inner world offered.  It was her inner soul—mind, body, and spirit—and somehow, everything here was connected in a way that it was possible to take physical damage within this space if she desired that affix to be added to her training here.

What that told her was that while she had a tremendous amount of freedom and creativity in this space, it was also a double-edged sword that could be used against her.  The Nexus was connected to her soul, which meant that the hag, or anyone else, might be able to use it to attack her through her people.  It was a weakness within her soul defense, or so she was coming to believe.  And there were so many other things to consider that Nungal poked at.

Breathing out her mild frustration, she wiped away her inner world, and the broad expanse of the Noble District opened up to her.  She sat on the battlement of the main gatehouse leading into the zone, her left knee tucked under her chin as her gaze wandered.

She observed the Tempest, wealthy, and upper-class individuals in the kingdom go about their end-of-day activities, more or less oblivious to her scrutiny.  It had rained a lot over the past ten days that she’d been in this kingdom, and her time here had been quite eventful in the first couple of days, yet that had petered out as the week went on.

Nungal’s warning did make her hesitate; if she continued pushing things in this kingdom, she would only cause further trouble for her people.  She suspected the aggravating Goddess of Chains had wanted her to be the object on her mind.  The cosmic-eyed woman was beyond helpful, yet she also came off as an interested party who could turn on her at any moment.

The sharp edges that Nungal hid behind her playful mannerisms intimidated Elinor, and if she was the standard of what gods and goddesses were like, then she had to step up her game.

Grace was an asset, and his training in various weapons over the last several days had been a welcomed addition.  Finding a suitable place where they wouldn’t be spied upon was a little challenging at first, but the labyrinth underneath the city had rooms they could use, which her thélméthra was invaluable in finding.

However, the hare could also become an enemy with a single whisper from his goddess.  The hardest part was determining Nungal’s objective, and she was no closer to an answer since the woman left.  It bugged her.

Tiffany’s voice fed through the Nexus, causing Elinor to shiver at the interaction.  “Empress, I have made a full account of our packed goods, and everything seems to be in order for our departure in 12 hours…  Has there been no response from Butter yet?”

No, Elinor growled, rising to her feet to stare across the kingdom.  The tension of waiting a week for something significant to happen has been murder.  Nungal knew what she was doing when dropping that particular future event on my head.

Turning on top of the flat battlement to study the ten Paladins standing around the wall, Elinor hopped off and walked along the wall to the stairs leading into its interior; the elite soldiers fell in line without a word.  She’d often taken strolls like this while attempting to work through everything Nungal had revealed.

I’m returning to the hotel.  Black?

“I’m still following Roman, Empress,” Famine reported.  “He seems to be going a long way to your inn, meeting with people along the way and passing coded messages.  It is… unfortunate I wasn’t able to reach the end of the lead on Castria’s necklace I’d found for the original seller.”

It doesn’t matter, Elinor muttered.  The fact it traded through multiple brokers—and deliberately—tells us they knew what they were selling.  It isn’t like we have the time to follow the remaining trail to the Northeastern Highlands.  You did fantastic work, Black.  Lilya will handle the rest.

Just before entering the stairway, she made one last sweep of the city from her high position.  The orange sun was dipping below the horizon as the rumble of a passing storm drifted out to sea; it had missed the city due to Tempest intervention.

Tiffany… let my dad know I’m coming back.  Has his mood improved?

“Eh-hehe.  I’m afraid not, Empress,” the Witch Queen mumbled, no doubt rubbing her arm and looking over at the man, engrossed in a book from the Royal Library about the hag.  “He is not excited about me sharing a body with… his wife.”

Elinor sighed as she descended the stairs, causing glances to be passed between the Paladins, likely wondering what was frustrating her.  Little did they know it had nothing to do with their kingdom; she just needed to get out, walk, and think on her feet.

You don’t need to pretend that you aren’t upset, as well, Tiffany…  He asked you to change your name, and you don’t want to…  You don’t have to.  There is tension between the two of you that I can only imagine; it might be my change, or something from my past life influencing me, but I do not share his concerns.  Neither of you can help how you feel.  He thinks you’re abusing my mom’s body, and you feel like it is your body, as well.

Tiffany’s strained laugh put pressure against Elinor’s chest because she could experience the woman’s feelings, even if it was still uncomfortable for her.

“It isn’t like a goddess told us quite plainly that I am still your mother… just that things are all twisted around.  I can accept that it is an awkward reality—distressing!  I certainly have trouble with that part, but the more I dwell on it, the more I find myself… feeling a certain way.  He can call that an illusion or trained behavior all he wants—I may even agree with him—but it doesn’t change the feelings.”

We are doing our best in the wave Nungal left, Elinor mumbled.  Tonight, Autumn will make her appearance, so we need to be in peak condition.  It is game time.

“Understood…”

Elinor rubbed between her eyes while swapping to another level and continuing to the street.  She purposefully maintained her distance from the chatter happening through the Nexus as Tiffany, Lilya, Castria, and Charlie were going through a laundry list of things.

Once making it onto the street, Elinor reflected on her time in this world and everything that had happened:

The House of Ravens was in full swing, and Lilya was a demon of a Grandmaster over the House, providing a strict curriculum that even the instructors scrambled to meet and keep their heads above water.

The students lived at the estate granted to them by the Tarnash Family and traveled to the campus for their classes each day, and the many new subjects being introduced were causing a revolution of sorts within the academy.  There were talks about some of the other Houses incorporating certain aspects of Raven’s adaptive curriculum.

The former queen’s resurrection was still being spread throughout the kingdom due to how long it took the news to travel on foot, but it caused quite a stir.  If anything, the nobility was most affected by her new House since it was an entirely new faction within the political landscape that held a lot of sway, with not only her but the former queen backing it.

Dread and excitement brewed in the countryside as bards retold the events of this year’s Selection Ceremony throughout the kingdom and, most importantly, the Raven Empress’ part in it.  Her name was being sung far and wide.

The news that she’d started her own House was a buzz among the commoners since anyone could apply.  Next year would most certainly be a packed stadium, yet her trial was sure to strike fear in those who wished to join—it set a precedent.

As for her House, the uniforms were in the final production phase with Tiffany’s input and tended to match Elinor’s personality in a practical gothic aesthetic.  Naturally, the attire changed based on the role the students applied for in the expanding academy curriculum.

The Grand Duke did appear to have some kind of student/teacher relationship—even friendship—with the former queen because he frequently visited to speak with her, which only furthered their reputation.  He’d been ecstatic about Charlie’s adaptive abilities, bringing new life to his research on the labyrinth underneath the city.

Castria, Heather, and Anala were roommates, and the three girls were hitting it off fantastically.  Drake was in a bit of hot water, and after High Lady Karia had a chat with his father, there had been a bigger closed-door meeting that happened, with High Lord Debro being brought into the discussion, and High Lord Yeven’s wife participating.

It was hushed for now, and tempers were high.  From what she’d heard, Debro had fought Yeven over the ocean three days ago.  Tiffany was convinced it was more of a ‘dad chat’ than an actual battle, but the weather hadn’t been the same since.

Other than seeing one another in the hallways, neither side had talked since the kissing incident, and no one knew about it yet.  However, their behavior around each other in shared classes had certainly sparked rumors.

Oddly to Elinor, most of the negativity was directed toward Anala, with many of the girls thinking she’d done something to Drake.  Little did they know that their dashing dream boy was the instigator of that exchange.  Drake was still in the dark about the real reason Anala felt so awkward and embarrassed around him since the kiss—the fact she’d had to change her underwear—and he would likely never know for years to come.

With all of that happening, the former queen of the kingdom vented her frustrations regarding Queen Alivau’s visit by digging into her work.  There was a lot of pressure against King Virelli, and despite Alivau and her husband being at extreme odds for what she did to their daughter, she had a considerable amount of weight inside the kingdom.

Elinor was happy to stay out of that particular mess, but the king and his former wife had a daring meeting scheduled for next week.  Old loyalists and close allies inside the castle allowed the pair to share little notes and private messages every few days.

As night fell, she strode along the streets, hands held behind her back, as the strong winds whipped through the city, blowing back her braided locks.  In the store windows she passed, Elinor caught a reflection of her appearance.

I’m changing… Little things so far, but my height has been slowly increasing ever since Nungal showed me my previous life.  [Artificial Body] resonates with how I view myself, and seeing how I looked as an adult night elf is affecting me.  It’s not just my appearance either… it’s my age.  No wonder Dad is freaking out…

Pulling her gaze away from the reflective sheets to stare around the emptying streets, Elinor set her brow as Ash made contact with her.

“I have found the hag, Empress.  She is just entering the Noble District… with quite the wagon full of goods.”

Then it won’t be long until she makes her way to the inn.  Retreat for now.  She’ll come to us.  It’s time we prepare to leave this world.  There are a few things I’d like to clarify with her before we finish our business here.

“I will see you at the inn, Empress.”

Disconnecting with Death, she remained silent throughout her journey back, pondering where things would go from here.

The goddess had placed several puzzle pieces in front of her to put together, one of which hinted that she might need to fight her little sister within their Soul Expanse.  One concerning part of Nungal’s visit was their final location, where she’d pointed out Olyssia to her, and recruited her as a future member of the House of Ravens.

Olyssia had done as she was told and delivered her pretty black pearls to her the following day—resonating twin pairs—which Tiffany promptly had made into earrings at a local jeweler.   Perhaps the most troubling part was that they weren’t ordinary black pearls, but a synthetically created stone crafted by deep sea clams that matched the properties of the gemstone in Castria’s necklace.

In any case, Olyssia had been quite out of place within the Noble District in her rags, yet once she was cleaned up and given proper clothes, many of the students had taken the girl under their wing like a little sister.   It was interesting how Nungal’s makeover had made her fit into the noble scene; the goddess played by a different timescale, and Elinor could learn from that.

Some of her guards waited by the inn’s entrance as she rose to her suite, but she didn’t make it to the stairs before she stopped in her tracks.  Gut cramping, the Paladins instantly spread out around her, their leader speaking—she didn’t hear him, though.

Elinor lifted her fingers to the earring that housed Butter’s spirit, and before her fingernails could touch the stone, they disintegrated.  Reforming her artificial body as it began taking damage from the golden radiance now brightening around the item, Elinor hurried past the bewildered Paladins, ears ringing.

Butter!  Why couldn’t you wait until I was back in my room?!  Shit…

She caught sight of her reflection in a mirror as she rushed up the stairs, swiftly climbing them and reforming her body again; the black diamond had been purified a brilliant gold.  Without addressing the Paladins’ concerns, she stormed through her door and shut it behind her, wincing as the holy energy increased its strength again.

Her father was up and right beside her, despite his distant attitude throughout the week as he struggled to understand the shifting dynamics of their family.  “Is it Butter?  What do we need to do?”

“Nothing—we can only…  Oh, drat!”  Tiffany replied, bustling over to guide her to the bed as a pulse of holy light destroyed Elinor’s physical body.  “No need for concern, Roman—dammit, I’m talking to him as if he’s in the Nexus…  Empress?!”

With her head spinning, she felt Tiffany play with Butter’s phylactery like a hot potato before dropping it on the bed next to hers.  Elinor had been preparing for this moment since Nungal’s warning, though.

As she entered her inner world, Elinor’s eyes opened to a blinding sun from Butter’s side of the room.  She lost all contact with the Nexus, meaning the whole network was likely down.

Closing one eye and shielding her face, she watched the brilliance gradually fade to be replaced by two figures; her little sister floated in the air, seemingly unconscious, and the other was someone Elinor had never considered even once as a possibility.

“A ri’bot?”  she snarled, setting her will to counter the Holy Force.  Within her internal world, a surge of Death Energy projected out of her, creating a shield that flared back with the excess energy that passed through their barrier.  Summoning a spear capable of physical damage within her Soul Expanse, she directed it at the intruder.  “Who are you!?”

Abruptly, the light vanished, leaving a yellow-skinned ri’bot female that glistened like polished gold.  Her slim figure was adorned in extravagant silk and jewelry as she glanced around Butter’s side of the room.

Her voice echoed with subtle grace as she clasped her hands at her front, the divine toad’s big eyes slowly moving to stop on her.  “And… you must be the big sister.  Hmm.  Not what I was expecting, but I was half-dead when your sister communicated with me.  Such… potent force trapped within her ravaged soul.”

What she’d come to know was a smile from the race lifted the woman’s mouth as she summoned an opulent throne to sit upon.  “Please, Elinor, sit.  I will only take a moment of your time.”

Flipping her spear to a neutral position, Elinor shook her head.  “I will remain standing.  You’ve invaded our space.  Why?”

“A false framing,” the divine figure whispered, “but suit yourself.  I’ve learned much from your little sister,” she stated, gesturing at the floating, liquid-haired blonde next to her, looking more radiant than Elinor had ever seen her.  More importantly, totally healed.

The ri’bot’s tone turned melancholy as the walls around them vanished, showing the jungle valley before flashing through every toad they’d met since arriving on the alien planet.

“…Such… a regression.  I was wrong.  Our species deserves to be wiped away.”

“Say that again?”  Elinor was so thrown off that she had to repeat the toad’s words.  “Your species… deserves to be wiped away?”

“Hmm.  Allow me to introduce myself,” the golden ri’bot replied.  Memories of her time with Valdar passed by them in rapid succession, and all conversations centered on one topic that had come up before. “You could consider me the Supreme Chief of Life… Utelira, the Life-Binder.  In reality, I am no more than what remains of our one supreme race.”

Not expecting this turn of events, Elinor slowly sat on the throne that appeared behind her, keeping her guard up and an eye on her little sister.  “Before we continue, tell me what you’ve done to Butter.  What is happening?”

The ri’bot deity’s chest shook with gentle laughter as she leaned against the side of her armrest and stared at the floating blonde.

“I do not know, Elinor…  Not entirely.  Ashrit spoke to me in my half-dead dreams and mumbles.  I am merely the gate at which she knocks, seeking the power to open the door into her inner soul.”

Elinor’s jaw locked at the name, and the knowledge slapped her across the face; Ashrit was the name her sister used in their previous life when she’d been Irkalla.  “So, you were leading the Susime?”

“Leading?”  Utelira massaged her head, no doubt reacting in ways that she could understand her emotions since most ri’bot didn’t act this way.  “No, I have been delirious for a very long time and seen many clans rise and fall, using me as their claim to power.”

She laughed and gestured to generations upon generations of ri’bot that flashed around them, spreading out into the hundreds of millions.

“Look at the decay… the degradation of our once proud race.  I’ve had to watch my people weaken generation after generation.  A curse!  And now, your sister refuses to let me die.  How cruel,” she growled, glaring at the blonde floating next to her.  “She brought me back to this state in hopes of using me to solidify her connection to a new body.  Now that I’m awake…  I can refuse.”

“Interesting,” Elinor whispered, emerald eyes darting to her sister as Butter groaned, unconsciously lifting a hand to grip her chest as if in pain.  “You’re going to stall until Butter destroys herself… and me along with her.  That way, you can die?”

“How I dream of that day,” Utelira snarled.  “No, your sister has revived my trapped soul.  Imprisoned by the Great Shadow that had whispered half-truths… sending us right into the six-winged bird that took… everything.  The bird looked too similar to humans to be a coincidence.  Haha.  I thought we were at the peak of strength…  We were pathetic!”

Elinor lifted a hand for her to continue, trying to connect to the toad and learn something that could help her in this conversation.  “How so?  The Great Shadow…  Are you talking about Shade?  The creature sealed inside the planet?”

“You know of it?”  Utelira sat straighter, glancing around their internal space.  “Yes… I sense its touch on your soul.  When we arrived on this planet, on our Path of Crystal Conquest, spreading our great empire between the Crystal Worlds, the Great Shadow showed us how to reach the Higher Crystal Gates—we ascended—and then we burned!

“I ran,” she whispered, looking away in shame.  “Everyone ran from the light…”

Elinor glanced up as she created the image of a six-winged female angel, or at least that was what it looked like within the blinding radiance.  Utelira glared at her as if the devil incarnate.  “I do not know what happened, but it followed us—destroyed billions of my people with a flap of its wings—and then… the light fell.”

Her throat went dry as she watched the blinding star take into space, shattering the Crystal Gateway that had reversed in the process, yet not moments later, the angel fell from the distorted heavens, disappearing into the distance.

“The misguided Susime used my powers as a channel to sustain their decaying souls… caused by using my companion’s dying soul for many generations.  Now… he is gone.  Snuffed out by your little sister.  I… am tired.  I’ve suffered enough…  Yet, your sister refuses to let me die!  How pathetic we are…  Insignificant in the face of the six-winged bird,” she laughed.  “Our extinction is inevitable.”

Elinor sat back, resting her cheek against her knuckles as she thought and listened to the Supreme Chief’s lamentation.  Utelira wasn’t nearly as powerful as Nungal—not even in the same universe—but she could easily kill Butter and her.  She was starting to understand the situation, at least in part.

Dismissing her spear because she knew it wouldn’t do her any good, Elinor’s vision narrowed as she observed the depressed goddess.  Nungal’s words about how insignificant killing a god was now brought new meaning to her in the face of this ancient ri’bot.  Nungal’s explanation and the Prume’s warning to Butter and her now made perfect sense.

“I can give you the death you desire.  Butter is fighting on the outside and needs your power to win.  What can I do to make you provide that for her?”

Utelira sighed, rubbing the side of her head.  “I am perplexed.  Is your little sister adapting to my power?  Yes.  I must choose to allow her access to it…  She wants to crack open the Seed inside of her to access its power.  But why should I?  If I allow that, then I will be restored and remain trapped in this prison the Great Shadow tricked my people inside…  A power source for the lesser races.  Humiliating!”

Elinor folded her fingers in her lap as she returned Utelira’s stare; an idea came to her, likely dredged up from her past life experiences, but it felt right.  “Okay.  How about an alternative…”

“What alternative?”  Utelira grumbled.  “There is no alternative.”

“No?”  She giggled, confidence lacing her voice as she sat forward.  “Transmit all of your power to Butter—not to crack open the Seed—straight to her, unfiltered… raw.”

“What?”  Utelira doubled over.  “No lesser being could handle raw 5th-dimensional energy!  We communicate with the Great Shadow face-to-face.  We walk through time and space.  We built wonders throughout this solar system with other beings of similar aptitude before the six-winged angel destroyed everything we built in seconds.  Her soul would be vaporized!”

Having faith in Nungal’s story regarding their past lives, Elinor’s smile grew.  “I’d bet my life on Butter being able to handle such a small degree of Holy Energy.  Let her soak up everything you are, and I think you’ll trigger something unique.  Can you even do it?”

For the first time, intrigue moved the Supreme Chief’s face.  “It would be difficult to redivert where she is trying to guide my power… but more than possible if I am willing to exert myself.”

“Worth a chance at death?”  Elinor proposed.  “Try to kill my little sister, and she will take everything from you.”

Silence came between them for a few minutes, and with a short fit of laughter, Utelira rose to her feet, prompting Elinor to do the same.

“Very well, but know that if she cannot take it, my Holy Force will seep through that flimsy barrier and overwhelm you…  You will die.  Will you still risk your life on it?”

“Why are you stalling?”  she challenged, standing tall and having 100% confidence in Butter’s resilience.  “My sister has survived worse.  She’s fought me.”

“Cocky creatures,” Utelira snickered, making a gesture that straightened Butter in the air before placing her large hand on her sister’s chest.  “Then we gamble and die or live in eternal suffering…  Which will it be?”

A tornado of potent life energy erupted from the Supreme Chief as Utelira sank her fingers into Butter’s breast, reaching for her heart; a rush of superheated force collided with Elinor, making her take a step back as the barrier between them bowed and cracked—the black diamond wouldn’t last long.

Butter’s eyes flew open, and a blinding turquoise light shone within them as she gasped.  Her peach-like skin illuminated like the noonday sun.  Utelira’s mouth slackened in disbelief as her grip closed around Butter’s heart, whispering, “Soul Expansion?  She has a Soul Expansion?”

[Level Up - Level 25]

[1 Stat Point Added; 6 Available]

[1 Refinement Point Added; 1 Available]

[1 Stat Modifier Point Added: 1 Available]

[1 Branch Feat Point Added: 1 Available]

[New Feat Slot Added: 6 Slots Available (5/6 Used)]

[Twin Souls Expansion (Butter) Tier-1: Heaven’s Domain]

[Twin Souls Expansion (Elinor) Tier-1: Earth’s Domain]

[2 Feat Extensions Available]

[1 Equipable Feat Choice Available]

Power flooded Elinor’s chest as time seemed to slow, and Supreme Chief Utelira, The Life-Binder, looked up in peace, transforming into pure light, absorbing into Butter’s body.  Her sister righted her head in the air, a smile brightening her blinding face as she slowly dropped to her heeled feet, yet something felt wrong.

“Butter?”  Elinor choked, feeling tingles all over as her little sister flexed her fingers and looked around with a curious gleam in her glowing blue eyes.  “No… you’re not Butter.”

Her twin strode forward, placing a hand on the cracked barrier between their rooms as she traced a line, her voice like silk as their eyes met.  “Irkalla?  No, something’s not right…  Hahaha!  Is this our last incarnation?  You don’t know!  How cute.”

“Ashrit,” Elinor growled, summoning her spear.  Yet her twin’s former incarnation laughed at her weapon, clicking her tongue.  “I know Butter is still in there.”

“Are you… afraid of me?  You—afraid… of me?!  Now, this is a treat.  And what do you think you’re going to do with that, Sweetie?  This… is the only weapon you need…”

Retracting her fingernails from the thin barrier, Ashrit sank them into her own breast, her hand passing through her body as if it were ethereal, fighting an enormous resistance.  Gripping her heart, she squeezed.  Elinor instinctively felt a wave of danger, and it felt like claws were ripping into her own chest.

“Divine And Infernal Twin Soul Expansion: Heaven and Earth’s Domain!”

A power deep within her welled up, and she knew what her twin’s past incarnation had done.  She’s projecting our intertwined souls into reality, using Utelira’s power to crack open my own suppressed powers from our previous life to use them as her own on the outside!  If I don’t stop her; she could take over the dominant position between us.

Ashrit summoned her own opulent spear and expertly twisted it around her body as the whole world shattered, taking them to a golden coliseum in the heavens.  “Well, Sister?  How skilled are you in this incarnation, hmm?  Despite having so many advantages provided to you while I contend with forces on the outside, do you think you’ll last more than a minute?  I think—mmgm.  Damn, you—leave it to me!”

Elinor’s tight throat eased as Ashrit winced and stumbled back.  “That you, Butter?  Are you really going to let some past version of us take your victory?  Typical Butter, fashionably late.  You’re not looking all that confident now, Ashrit.  What happened?”

Ashrit strained a grin as she righted herself.  “How could I become this pathetic?  Serving you?!  No.  I think we need an intervention.”

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