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Drunk & Dangerous: the Great Patron Roast -- (Net Neutrality) (Patreon)

Published:
2020-03-25 15:00:04
Imported:
2021-02

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Content

I hope you all enjoy today's very special Drunk & Dangerous, where I read and roast the childhood poetry of my very own friend and patron, Net Neutrality!

...

I'm sorry, Net.



Note: Yes, he DID author every one of these poems, despite my confusion when recording.  So... double sorry.

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Comments

WaterWolf11

I would say poor net but you're probably into this lets be real.

Anonymous

F for Net

Net Neutrality
>>34174501

Oh, I’ve been waiting for this all week. My body and mind are so ready for this.

Net Neutrality

And like a party of upper class haughty elves, you can all enjoy witnessing my humiliation while helping yourselves to cocktails. Except you, Boggle. Soft drinks for you. You know why you can’t have alcohol and everyone else can, right? 🤣

Net Neutrality

Oh man...I’m listening to “final countdown” as I prepare myself for this. What do I even do? A running diary? A series of short comments? Or do I record my live reactions to it? How do I give this the love it deserves?

Net Neutrality

🤣 how do you think I felt when I read these myself all these years later?! What on earth was I thinking?!

Anonymous

Does anyone play rocket league

Missing

This can be a regular thing. I think plenty of us want to be mocked/degraded by you with these.

Dolpha

I heard "echo location" and felt completely attacked!

Net Neutrality

0:40 naw. You’re never too high for me, girrrrrrl.

Missing
>>34175214

Echo location is supposed to help you prevent getting attacked! You fail as a Dolphin.

Net Neutrality

2:20 sounds good to me! Best fantasy world ever.

Net Neutrality

4:30 and what an honorable and appreciated duty to the world it is. 😁 And if it is your final gift, I’ll fight tooth and nail to make this day a national holiday in your name!

Jinkxy

super emo waterfalls!!! lmaooo

Net Neutrality

5:15 oh FUCK ME, the waterfall one is first.... 😖

Jinkxy

lmaooo that sounds Dangerous 😏 i love that endless joke

Net Neutrality
>>34176103

Okay, “fresh forest”....even my 12 year old self wasn’t happy with that line. But I wasn’t smart enough at the time to say “damp” or “tropical”, or hell, “moist”. So I went with “fresh”, because that poem was supposed to be all about alliteration.

Dolpha

Everything about this is a win! Thank you Net

Net Neutrality

6:00 A GOLDEN SHOWER. YES.

Net Neutrality

6:35 I DONT KNOW. 🤣 this was very stupid. I was just looking for words that started with the same letter because alliteration durrrrrrr Club soda? Sounds perfect! Any interpretation works!

Jinkxy

these jaguar facts tho! next time we gotta make it panther facts *side eyes dolpha*

Net Neutrality

7:15 they need YOU, my mistress.

Dolpha

69 comments!!

Jinkxy

imagine all the trees we’d have if they DID grow from ideas tho....👀

Net Neutrality

9:00 oh crap, here comes the high dive one... Also, apologies folks. In my endless paranoia over identity protection, I blanked out my name on all my poems, even though DA knows my name, because I was afraid she’d say it out loud by mistake, even though she’s never done anything like that with any of the other poems.

Jinkxy

DA gives us all the rights to say FUCKIN NOPE now we must use it wisely 😈

Dolpha

I love how much Anything is love this. Lol you need to do one sis. You know you want her to roast you. 😏😏😏

J

Not even with advance equipment I can calculate the degree of burn

Jinkxy

water is no longer wet. water is like sand, thank you for coming to my ted talk, now use this information wisely

Net Neutrality

10:05 WHO KNOWS. Maybe I meant to say “cold sweat” 🤷🏾‍♀️

Dolpha

100 baby! We did it again

Jinkxy

Net is still the smart kid in the room let’s be honest lol

Net Neutrality

11:20 Yeah, I'm pretty sure I did things like that every now and then. Also, fun fact: In my 7th grade English class, our teacher (I loved her) got us to memorize a new word every week. And I distinctly remember the 2nd word we learned that year: Robust. And now you see me using it in the poem, almost like I'm saying, "See, teacher? I paid attention and applied what I learned!"

Dolpha
>>34178113

Net's base mood is "Look senpai! I used what you taught me. Arent you proud?!"

Net Neutrality

11:50 UGGGGGGGHHH. Biggest reason I wanted you to rip this poem. God damn it with this metaphor. When I read this poem a few weeks ago for the first time in years, I literally yelled "FUCK YOU" to no one (I was home alone, don't worry) when I saw that. The worst part is, that wasn't the only "Asian food" metaphor I used in my childhood. One of my classmates, reminded me, many years later, that once upon a time, I told her, "Your hair is silky and smooth like soy sauce." She was never able to forget it. I mercifully had, but then she had to remind me just to spite me. I was not the most popular kid in school, for reasons that should be pretty clear by now.

Jinkxy

also that name is still better than KaVIIIlyn (k8lyn) tbh there are always moms trying to be different like that one who named her son vagina....sweet christ i hope they’re okay

Net Neutrality

12:15 As opposed to venom that just makes you sleep, maybe? :shrug: Also, if y'all haven't seen Daredevil, it's a fun show about a crime-fighter who's also blind. I don't know if it's still on Netflix...

Net Neutrality

14:15 Nope, it doesn't! And that's why it so RICHLY deserves the treatment you're giving it! I love this! Also, "were they dinosaurs"? Oh, just hold that thought...

Net Neutrality

15:20 It's an allegory! Derpy Derp! :D Also, "[this poem] is terrible. All of them have sucked" Thank you. This is the best ASMR experience ever. You're the best. <3 16:20 Whoops, she's onto me! I thought I'd get away with it.

Net Neutrality

18:30 I'm guessing I was thinking at the time "Because trees can serve as habitat for certain animals. Like owls."

Net Neutrality

19:15 Ain't nothing soft about sand! It irritates the skin and scratches your glasses! Damn it, 12-year-old me! You were this close to writing something that Dangerous was actually really getting immersed into and giving the ASMR treatment, and then you killed it!

Net Neutrality

21:15 Nope, not emo or goth :D Just a political nut who thought he was woke AF. Too bad he was so stupid, he thought CJD was the same as mad cow disease. (It was a big deal back in 2001, if anyone can remember.)

Net Neutrality

22:15 Saddest part is? I grew up in Washington State. Anyone who's lived there knows how much rain they get. And the next minute of this? You're giving me abs from how much I'm laughing.

Net Neutrality

23:20 "Dear Backpack". FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK I forgot I sent you this one! Yes. I was that much of a loser that I wrote a love letter to my BACKPACK!

Net Neutrality

And now I'm just imagining her using an electric wand or vibrator on a friggin' backpack. Better not be a laptop inside there, I'm just sayin'.

Net Neutrality

27:20 I'm glad I could give you such entertainment. And I LOVE you even more now for how much you've made fun of me.

Net Neutrality

29:10 I love it when you make call backs to previous poems. Also, AnythingYouWant? If you're reading this, I think we have a naughty girl who needs to be subjected to your "Mommy Punishes You" erotic audio ;) (Seriously, Dangerous, you're totally fine. I laughed at that too. No worries :) )

Net Neutrality

29:40 Aw, bad luck. We saved the dumbest for last. This was a really stupid dinosaur poem inspired by Walking With Dinosaurs. No, not the 2013 movie...the 1999 6-part nature documentary by BBC, with some pretty amazing CGI for its time.

Net Neutrality

31:05 "I hate you so much, and the labor was so bad, I'm gonna call you Eustreptospondylus." 31:40 Insert your own "Ocean Man (the song)" joke. 33:12 What can I say? I never pass up an opportunity to educate. You're welcome. ;) And done. That..........was everything I could have asked for, and so much more. I'm living every patron's dream right now. I don't know if anything else that happens this week will be able to top this for me. Thank you thank you thank you so much for all of this, and I hope you had as much fun recording it as I had fun listening to it. <3

Shaman

How is everybody doing during quarantine? :) hope you're not feeling too lonely these days!

Pbc98

Someone should check on dangerous

Seth_724

This is why I’m a patron and also the sexy audios

PrimadonnaKath

I’m a middle school teacher and I’m hardcore tempted to offer up some of my students’ writing for a Drunk and Dangerous mocking, but seeing as they’re still children, I think I would feel too guilty. 😂

Net Neutrality
>>38504615

Eh, just ask for their permission first in a few years. All students stay in contact with all their teachers, right?