when will we wake up? (Patreon)

November 22 2022


putting nalcoah to sleep tonight she asked me “when will we wake up?”
and I said, “when it is light out, when the sun comes up.”
she said “why when the sun comes up?”
I said “that’s how she wakes us. With the light.”
maybe it doesnt have to be like that. Sleeping in the dark, awake in the light?
then she whispered “when will we die?”
and I of course, hesitated for a little bit, and then said “well we never know when we will die, because we never know what will happen in any moment. All we can ever know is this moment… are you scared of dying?”
she whispered again “yeah”
and now I am wishing I asked her why?
instead, well, now I don’t even really remember how the rest of the conversation went. I feel proud of how I felt in the conversation though. I felt more at peace about death and the darkness than I have during other conversations with her about death and darkness. She asked what happens to our bodies when we die, and I said they go back to the earth.
“and to other people?” she posed it as a sort of statement and a sort of question.
and I said “well I guess eventually yeah, to other people, because everything comes from the earth.”
I asked her if she was still scared of the dark
she whispered “yeah”
and I said “do you know why?”
she didn’t know.
I said sometimes I am scared of the dark and that I think it is because in the dark we can not see what is in front of us, we can not know what is around us. When it is daylight, we can convince ourselves that we know what will happen next, that we know where we are and that assures us that we are safe.
I told her that sunlight and darkness are both good, and both have things to teach us, and maybe the darkness has more to teach us than the light, because it does scare us, and fear is just love trying to be made known.
She asked again, “when will we wake up?”
and I said “probably when the sun comes up. And life will just keep going like that, we sleep and then we wake, we sleep and then we wake, we sleep and then we wake. And every moment is beautiful.”

a few minutes later I asked her how she was feeling now.
and she whispered “scared”
and I said “can I tell you something?”
she nodded yes what felt like ferociously. I couldn’t see her, since it was dark.
I said “you have absolutely nothing to fear. You are safe. You are loved. Everything is good. Everything is beautiful. Everyone is beautiful. And if you do get scared, that is okay too. I will always be here to protect you, and remind you that you are safe. I will keep you safe.”

and if that is a lie, I hope it’s not.
and if it is a lie, I hope to make it the truth.
it doesn’t feel like a lie.
it feels like the truth.
it feels like there is nothing more true.
I will protect her, I will do everything I can.
or at least I will try to.
and maybe I am already getting distracted with other things that are not mine to tend to?
maybe none of this is supposed to be my work?
maybe my work is to be present with her, then work on the weekends.
but I don’t think so.