back in my pink bed. (Patreon)

August 13 2022

be. receive. give thanks.
be. receive. give thanks.
I repeat over and over in my head as I lie on my pink bed. Finally back in my pink bed.

be receive give thanks.
I repeat over and over in my head as I lie on my pink bed with my vibrator in my hands between my legs.
It is 6 am and I have been awake and writing for two hours.

be, receive, give thanks.

be
me.
just me.
just me, meredith, laying here.

receive
pleasure.
receive the pleasure I am giving myself, the pleasure that I am overwhelmed with. The pleasure of laying on my pink bed with my vibrator as the sun comes up and I have the gift of being alive. Of being confused and lost in this thing that is life. Of being confused and lost and completely broke. But maybe I needed to be broke. Maybe I needed to be broke to get me to a place of such aliveness. Such openness for what could be next. How will I pay my mortgage this month? Will I even be able to live in this house next month or will I move in with my family? could these next two weeks be my last ones here along the river?

will I move to europe this year? This winter?
will I just be at my mothers all year, depressed?
will I find a way to be able to stay here and pay for this house while still not having to grind and work myself exhausted?
because I won’t,
I won’t,
I won’t do that again.
it was too much for my body.
I knew it and for so long I tried to resist it.
I tried to tell myself I was fine.
but I wasn’t.

are any of us?

when we have to work ourselves to a shell of ourselves. When we have to work ourselves to sleep and then have nothing but exhaustion and annoyance to give our children? No. I won’t let that happen again.
but that means finding creative ways to survive here on my own… or moving in with my family.
I think I can figure it out.
it just takes maybe getting more organized.
figuring out first steps towards what I want.
and also allowing the earth and the mysteries to guide me.
not being in opposition to them.

Not being in opposition to the new things that arise that are so unfamiliar every week, every day.
but working with them.
working with my restraints and flaws and resistances.

be.
receive.
give thanks.

I lie on my pink sheets with my vibrator between my legs and I find such pleasure in all of it. In being alive. In the confusion. In the now. In the feel of the sheets and the memories of sex in berlin. In the memories of sex in this bed. In the memories of sunrises and sunsets.

be
myself.
receive
pleasure in all its forms.
give thanks.
give thanks.
give thanks.

in the midst of fear I do feel more thankful for this life in this moment than I ever have before.

in the midst of knowing absolutely nothing of what is next.

in the midst of pain and sorrow, I feel more grateful to be alive, to wake up in my home, in my beautiful home that i have no idea for how much longer it will be my home, but so grateful.

nothing is permanent. Including where I live. Including fear. including pleasure.

but I let this moment of pleasure take me away.