a gentle nudge (Patreon)

August 4th 2022 on the train back to Berlin from Hamburg

I did the right thing by staying.

there is something calling me.

I think it’s the world.

I think I dwell in enchantment most of the time.

being pulled by I don’t know what, but being pulled.

the world calls to me and I enter into her.

the world calls to me and tells me what to do and how to move and where to dance and how to love.

but there are times, many times, when the world calls to me and I go to answer her; but I get pushed down. Held back. Something stops me. Something strong and ferocious in the way. In my way. Something holding me back.

I confuse whatever this thing is for being the world calling me or changing her mind. I confuse this force for telling me something important. When really, it is maybe a terrifying jealousy of the other thing, the other entity. Not the earthly world, but the other world. The other one that tries to take over. I don’t have the words for what to call them yet. Have no way of picturing this thing. And so many times it has won. It has taken over my thoughts and heart and being so entirely that I am frozen except for thoughts of it. They take me, chain me, and crush me into the earth. They crush us together in a way so that we can not be together.

the past two times I was supposed to come to Europe and meet chantel and feli and moni and all of these incredible people it crushed me. I felt the call, the intuition to come but then the other thing took over my mind. Or took over my body like how it did with covid the day before I was to leave.

taking over mind and if it can not take over my mind it takes over my body.

they almost had me this time. A two day long depression, confusion, heart sickness. I was being told to leave.

That's maybe the difference. Being TOLD to do something, versus being called to.

Given a gentle nudge to do something beautiful, or a ferocious yell to obey.

When I am told to do something, it usually feels like fear if I don’t do what I am being told to do. I think the world will end, my life will end, the universe collapse if I do not do the thing I am commanded to.

But when I am given a gentle nudge, given a push towards something I already have an urge for, it feels like water washing over me, guiding my limbs in the direction I am already headed.

a lovely guidance touching my heart.

I think the world calling to me, is also me calling to me. I know deep down what I want. I know deep down what I need.

I need love, touch, nature, to cry, to dance, to write, to sing,

I need deep conversations with those I love and with new people I will soon love.

I want to learn, I want to move, I want to escape into my own realities and fantasies of my mind, I want to invite others to join me there, I want to paint, I want to scribble the movements of my hands and my heart.

it is august fourth and I am so in love with the world and with myself.

I am so proud of myself. So proud of how I let myself feel all the sadness of my heart and also didn’t make moves based in that fear and sadness, but instead tried to see that it wasn’t necessary to do the thing that felt safest. Sometimes safety isn’t as important as doing the fearful thing. Maybe every time? Go into fear. Go into fear and there I will find my love.

chantel has been calling to me, the world maybe calling us together. Switzerland has been calling me. I’ll go on Monday finally. Meet them both.