i was green and now i am only pink (Patreon)

photos from may 8th, words from a while ago.

it’s wild to see the places i can come from and go to within just a few months.

green hues

pink blush.

green stems

pink petals.

from green in the cheeks

to pink in the collarbones.

from living, thinking, breathing in all the greens. you know.

to living in a world of only

pinks;

tongues -

pressed and glued to eyebrows and chin hairs and the ridged bumps on your back.

lips -

searching searching searching for a little more spice, a little more edge, a little more flavor.

lips that open and close whenever wanted.

but that’s the same for you too,

so why should it be any kind of deal for me.

i open

and i close

but mainly i open

whenever

for whoever.

any time,

but especially in strange spots with strange people.

there are new pink buds on a new green tree. this time the bush to the left of my porch. this time as they bud and bloom

my headaches,

of sickness,

of frustration,

of self administered strangeness of my unfamiliar love.

unfamiliar because i give it away so quickly that i never fully have enough of it to know what it truly feels like.

and for some (most) they’ve said it’s been brutal and harsh and too much to even know how to feel it.

could it really be love that i’m giving them then?

or is it all just, you know, what i do to fill that hole called existential dread.

are crushes always that? is love that? maybe true love isn’t that. and maybe true “love” isn’t something many of us feel or know? because maybe to experience that, there has to be this kind of safety in the unknown. there has to be a true unattachment to life. to hope, to safety. but i think unattachment would give you the most safety.

but anyways, crushes, infatuation, obsession, lovvvve in the romantic and pornographic and sexual sense of the words, are they just that? an escape from reality? an escape from the doom that is life and death and the never knowing when one will end and the other begin? if they are that, is there a way to become more present and not need them? if they aren’t that, then what exactly is a crush and why does it happen? (is it just how the world is programmed to move right now, we’ve been fed these narratives about romance and sex for so long that it’s nearly god damn impossible to create our own narrative or even to know what we would want relationships to look like outside of our brainwashed heart-convinced way that this is ‘normal’)

is it purely just about attraction to someone? there’s got to be more than that? but fucking is there???? ha yeah there is.

my other thought was that i turn some form of connection that i feel with someone on some crazy deep level into a surface level “crush” because it’s more palatable for us and the world to understand. but i do often feel like the people i have crushes on have the potential for so much more than i even know. with communicating and with being known and with feeling safe being known.