i will feed it to them (Patreon)

laying in bed

woke up at 4,

now it’s 5:30.

stuffy nose,

the most content i’ve ever been.

laying in bed

went to sleep at 8:30

woke up to write

to process.

where i am,

who i am.

i am learning,

i am healing.

i feel more loved than i have ever felt

because i feel love for myself.

real love.

have i ever known love before this?

is that why i have always wondered,

“what is love?”

and i still don’t know how i would describe what it is.

but maybe i can better describe how it feels -

i didn’t know who i was, i didn’t know what safety was, i didn’t know what kindness felt like, or hope.

every good and beautiful thing, i knew some of their flavors, but i didn’t KNOW.

i didn’t really understand,

and i wonder if that is where all my anxiety has come from, from feeling anything but safe, needing to get that safety and that love from anyone but me.

is that how we’re taught, as women, to look for safety and love in anything but ourselves. men are taught it too. but it doesn’t really matter if we’re all taught it or not, it’s what i picked up or it’s what i learned or it’s what i came to believe.

in my life, in my body, i didn’t know love or safety. i didn’t believe i held it for myself. i didn’t even really know that was an option. but it is the only option.

it is the only way to live,

to survive.

i need to feel it for myself first.

i need to give it to myself first,

every day.

otherwise what i give to others is fake, insincere,

a rip off.

otherwise i’ll be yearning and begging for love wherever i think i could get a little taste.

but it won’t be it. it won’t fulfill me.

i fulfill me.

and it has taken me 27 years and going through a separation to learn that.

i am so thankful for where i am. i am so thankful for who i am. i am so thankful for everything that happened in my life to get me here.

and, i will make life easier and more beautiful for my daughter, for all my daughters and all my sons and all my children. for all those who come next.

it won’t take them as long as me to learn it, because i will feed it to them.