i cover myself with fear. (Patreon)

fear seeps in.
takes over.
I push push push it away.
it gets worse.
fear seeps in as I wash dishes.
as I take a bath.
as I go to sleep and as I wake up.
my life in shambles.
no idea what I want or where I’ll go.
how I’ll live.
who I’ll talk to,
dance with,
fuck.
fear seeps in again today
but I have learned what doesn’t work.
this morning,
I lay in bed as it wakes me.
I lay there gentle with it at two a.m.
the way I want it to be with me.
hello, fear.
hello, fear.
where will you take me today?
what edge will I get pushed to?
and how will I breathe as I stand there?
instead of fear the edge and fear what’s down there, what’s above me, and what my body is made of
and let that take me away from the edge…
can I allow myself to
breathe in and feel my fear,
feel where it takes me,
feel the ground beneath me,
look with wonder at what’s below me,
marvel at what’s above me,
and find a peace in my body?
can peace exist without fear?
I’m not sure.
but I know that the times I have felt the most at peace
were when I was able to allow myself to fully feel my fear.
crumble from it.
scream with it.
cover myself in dirt or honey or flowers or blood
with it right by my side.