journal entry from july 11 2021 and a lil pic of my current project (Patreon)


distracting. everything i love (lol we all know love isn't the correct word for it but in my fucked up brain that is just addicted and craving it feels like love is correct. just so DESPERATE really.) and everything i crave, is it just a distraction?

a way to get me out of my head, or into my head. sex with someone new. sugar. going on my phone. hiking? eating. always eating though? marco polo? this, writing?

i want something that feels so fucking good. or i want something that is just so fucking BIG it feels good. something so captivating and distracting that it doesn't matter what it is, if it is big enough, involving my senses enough it will feel good enough, and what is good enough? just to be distracted from my pain? from my anxiety? from my fear? from my past? from my trauma? from my family? from my lack? from my failure? from shame.

the biggest ones for me right now are talking to someone that could be a sexual encounter or sexual encounters, and sugar, and my phone. one of those three. every day. i need at least one of those three.

or even thinking about a boy… obsession over someone. ohhh obsession over someone feels so good. but specifically a man. even when i have felt enthralled or captivated or in love with a woman, THIS isn’t at all a part of that feeling.

it does feel like “they could save me” even though i don’t at all believe in that trope, that is the feeling that feels so good. they could possibly save me from myself, maybe just having someone to care and think about more than myself (distracting…) kind of saving, or maybe i am so disgusted with myself that to be adored and wanted by you feels like a kind of saving, a relief in some way.

i am wanted. i am wanted. i am wanted. keep feeding me this idea some how and i stay in a high. but do i? i don’t. and i don’t care if everyone wants me, maybe just the people i obsess over, and do i obsess over them just based on their voice or their apathy? maybe both? maybe their apathy gives me something to try and conquer. to be the person they aren't apathetic towards, a sense of winning would come…

but then there is something in the touch, in the sexual acts made or talked about. what is it there? i want my body to just be touched. so. bad. to be used, that high i get from being touched or demeaned in a way. and this is where i get panicky even in writing or talking just to myself.

do i go there? do i want to go there? when i do go there and try to think about what i am really feeling in those moments i get breathless. and not in the sexy way. i feel like there are good, really good ways that kinks and BDSM are played out. i know there are. but i don't know if i am doing them in a healthy way.

i wonder if it goes back to just wanting something so big to feel, something that just feels so much that it doesnt matter what it is, and with aggression or being treated demeaningly during sex it feels really really big. it is no normal sex. but for me there is so so so much emotion, good and bad that is in there mixed with it.

it almost feels like a way to let myself experience those emotions that feel too scary to just let out in a normal daily moment. the anger, the hate, the disgust, all with myself and all with so many men. it's all mixed together that i can’t even tell who is who, who did what, who hurt who, who keeps me imprisoned. i think it’s both. it's them and it's me. but mostly it is me. i am stuck in this hurt, wrapped up in it so much that i don’t know how to let myself breathe anymore.

i don't know how to let myself enjoy. like really enjoy. not enjoy all the really big things that keep me distracted but just enjoy moments, all moments, some moments...

(strange post to be sharing a photo of my *hopefully* staple pottery pieces - but it is something i wanted to share as well - i am so excited about these mugs)