journal entry post anxiety attack - March 2021 (Patreon)

went on a walk. cried when i got to the beautiful mossy spot with the rocks on the white trail. got further along. cried looking at the green lit trail of moss in front of me and then comparing it to the made up trail to the side of me that was dull and covered with leaves. felt scared of bears looking at the beautiful path in front of me. turned around and started walking back. felt the wind on my body and saw the wind moving the leaves and cried sad beautiful happy tears because i can feel so much sadness and pain in such a moment that is so beautiful as well. the fear that lives in me mixing with the awe of breathing and being alive, witnessing air dance with earth. feeling tingly on my skin that is being brushed by that air. i came home. i felt more of that grief and joy on the walk back. i moved my body more. i pleasured myself to the memory of my tears and the wind and the fear and the ability to stand on the earth and be aware of such suffering and such pleasure. i touched myself and felt all the sensations that come with my cheek on the pillow, a vibrating sensation on my vulva, my breath quickening, my entire body feeling so much from SO much. finding pleasure in a memory of pain. trying to find pleasure in feeling anything. whatever the feeling is. but to feel sadness at such an extreme level mixed with a constant fear. and then feel the pleasure of what i see when i open my eyes and there is this glorious sunlight, and this crisp air floating through my teeth and down my throat and filling my body and giving me energy. and then to move my body, walk, and then crumble on a rock covered with moss. this moment outside with so many tears and so much pain but at the same time being able to feel the sweet pleasures of being alive. it doesn’t make sense. and then to come home and to be so enthralled in that moment again that i masturbate to the memory of it, because it was such a sensual experience for me. and i don’t think feeling pleasure in a “sexual” way has to be this idea of “sexual” that we’ve been given. it can be a sensual experience that is just good and comforting and just about feeling. feeling whatever, feeling anything in such a way that it’s magnetized. made bigger. it’s made into something in such a way that it lets me move through it. it’s a way to process the pain or the fear or the joy. focusing everything on that feeling.