Festive Longing (Patreon)

I wrote this one for my friend and editor-in-simp a while back using one of her OCs and one of mine back when he was still an RO for another cog idea I had. The idea is back in the freezer and so is he, but I grew attached to this story soooo here it is! 

A bit of yearning to start the week the right way.

---

Dry leaves crack under my shoes as I lean against an old oak on the outskirts of the lake. It’s the closest place to the festival that’s still hidden by the shadows of the night instead of embraced by the warm light the festival lanterns give off, and it’s far from peaceful or comforting, but…

It’s where I belong.

Here, in the sidelines, in the deep recesses of the shadows that cover this land, in the lonely and eternal darkness that haunts these people.

I have no business taking part in a festival where its sole purpose is cleansing the city from the curse -- a curse I’m more than partially responsible for -- but I can’t stop looking. It’s not like I planned on coming here or anything, but that fool was adamant about partaking in this pointless tradition, I couldn’t just ditch her.

What? I may be a monster, but I’m not about to leave that walking disaster of a woman alone.

Though, that probably sounds rich when I did tell her if she wanted to go, she’d have to go alone. And if I take into account that she did have some friends to meet up with. I was just trying to get her to give up on the idea because I wanted to stay in and take a damn nap.

When she walked out the door with a pout on those stupid red-tinted lips that I’m sure she thought I didn’t notice, I had no choice but to follow her. Out of her sight, obviously.

And now, here I am. Far enough that nobody else can spot me here, but close enough so I can keep an eye on her. It’s not like I care about her or anything, I just had a duty to watch over her until we could find a way to send her back to her world.

A cold gust of wind hits me at the thought and I let out a dry chuckle. If I didn’t know better, I’d believe this was Mandy or Neal jerking me around at how little conviction my last thought had, but they’re busy, so it’s probably some sort of twisted signal.

My excuses are running thinner every day. What’s even the point?

I’ve been aware she’d leave this place eventually. The only reason she hadn’t done so yet is because the curse has this world in lockdown, she’s made that clear enough already. As she should, for I can’t think of one thing she could do to deserve being stuck here.

So, yeah. Sooner or later she’ll leave this place.

She’ll leave me.

Feelings aren’t something I’m used to dealing with anymore, at least not mine, but a weird emptiness sets in my chest at the thought.

“Guess this is just another weight for me to carry forever, huh?” I muse outloud.

Just because I’m not used to feeling stuff, it doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. I’m well aware of my growing affection for her.

My days are listless enough that I often indulge in my own daydreams, especially with how shitty my actual dreams tend to be, and it’d be a lie if I said I haven’t wondered what it’d be like to hold her, to kiss her, to allow myself to drown in her scent and escape reality in her arms.

But that’s all it was, a dream.

The delusion of a future that could never be, because I’m a soulless, cursed monster, and she is not.

She is warm, too kind for this wretched world even though she tries to put up a mean front. Her smile is sweet and mischievous at the same time, and the way her eyes crinkle on the corners when she laughs would probably be enough to cleanse a whole town from the curse. She’s everything I could ever want.

She’s everything I can never have.

I shake my head and take a deep breath. It’s pointless to mull this over. What am I supposed to do? Tell her how much I love her and how I wish she’d stay with me? Ridiculous.

I’d never deprive her of a future, of a chance at happiness. Sure, I can protect her, but at what cost? Giving up on her friends and family, on her whole life, just to be with a guy who can’t even grow old with her, who’d constantly wake her up in the middle of the night because of yet another haunting nightmare… I might not be the greatest expert on the subject, but that doesn’t sound like happiness to me.

I wish the curse would go away.

A shiver runs through me when the first lamp is released on the moonlit lake waters, releasing its wish into the world.

I’d forgotten how unpleasant this festival is.

I brace myself against the oak tree, already feeling the way the curse tenses around me, in me. It’s sickening, but it’s not like it’s the first time. I’m prepared -- as long as I don’t eat on the day of the festival, I don’t get sick.

And so I watch as one by one the townsfolk release their lanterns on the water, letting their most sincere hopes and dreams take over. It’s a desperate and slightly pointless attempt of getting rid of the curse, shaped like paper lanterns that shine bright enough that it’s like the stars have dropped off the sky and into the lake.

If it didn’t make me feel so nauseous, I’d probably think the whole sight to be much more beautiful.

I hope my brother is able to resist the curse.

I wish the hamburger stall stays unaffected by the curse.

I wish Mariabell comes back to her senses.

I hope my next experiment gives me good results.

I hope the next time we hold the festival we won’t have to worry about the curse.

I hope mom will let me go to Jenny’s sleepover.

I wish for us to continue to thrive regardless of the curse.

I wish us all to be forgiven for our sins.

I hope to continue to be entertained by this world.

I hope I can get that cute guy’s number.

The air around me smells sour. A sulfuric scent that I know isn’t really here, but my connection with the curse makes it seem more real than the lantern lights floating downstream. It makes me sick to my core, but still, I’m amused.

Not all wishes are about the curse, clearly, but they’re all so pure they still serve their--

I hope Rufus can be free… I want him to be able to smile again.

“Who…” I ask in reflex, because I already know the answer.

I look away from the dried leaves, moist dirt and twisted roots, raising my head until I immediately find what I am unconsciously always searching for.

Selena.

The shore is crowded, with every single person from this damn town still watching their lanterns float away, but she’s the first one I see.

Her dark hair is twisted up in those funny little buns she insists on doing every day, and her eyes are fixed on the lake. I can see the way she twists her fingers while watching it and I can see the small, sad smile on her lips, but more than anything, I can feel her.

I can feel how strongly she hopes her wish will come true, I can feel how badly she misses her home, and I can feel… I can feel how much she cares about me.

Me.

Not a single goddamn reason that properly justifies that feeling comes to mind, and I don’t even care.

A sharp tug in my chest makes me drop to my knees and my breath catches in my throat. My heart hasn’t beaten in centuries and I can’t get sick -- exhausted and nauseated, yes. Any real disease, no.

It’s not my heart that’s aching, it’s the curse punishing me for this faint and frail seed of joy Selena’s hopes and feelings gave me.

I know I don’t have the right to be happy. I’m not allowed to feel positive emotions, but I do.

The curse tightens its tendrils around me, choking the air and any hope I felt for the briefest moment out of me, and I can sense the darkness of oblivion crawling on the edges of my conscience. It shouldn’t be much longer until I lose sight of Selena, nor until I pass out for a couple of hours.

I never made a wish during the lantern festival.

I never had any pure thoughts or positive emotions in me, so my wishes would always be tainted and only serve to further strengthen the curse, but now… I think I can allow myself one wish.

Selena’s figure in the distance gets blurry, my eyelids heavier with each struggling breath I take. I push myself aside, so I can rest against the tree instead of passing out face-first in the dirt, and close my eyes.

And make a wish.