Chapter 251: That’s No way to Blackmail Your Grandmother, Paradox (Patreon)

Perry stared at the tiny little clinic where his grandmother controlled Funkytown, tossing down terse commands from inside her legitimate business under the nose of the law like The Godfather. The place where so much of his shame and self-loathing had been fomented by a literal evil witch in a misguided effort to ‘temper’ him.

It could be argued that it worked.

It could also be argued that argument was stupid.

Perry took a deep, steadying breath.

“If I die, tell your moms I love ‘em. Nat more than Heather, obviously.”

“Okay.” Gareth said, nodding seriously.

“Alright. Let’s go get some free candy.”

Perry tousled his hair, then the two of them hustled to keep up with Sera, who was already crossing the street.

Okay. Every action, every single action I take, down to the way I walk, speak and stand, will be judged and found wanting.

I want Gramma to take this conversation seriously.

I’ve already started walking, so there’s not much I can do about the walking portion.

So, our conversation starts with the manner in which I enter the building. She will know when I enter because of the myriad magical protections coating the entire building.

Perry had never noticed when he was younger, but the clinic was covered in snarls of magical protection, so extensive and complex that they must’ve been put together year by year, generation by generation. Carefully laid over each other to create something stronger than the sum of its parts.

Now, Perry had several options how to start the conversation.

#1 Ignore the protections and approach peacefully, since the security system was already set to do nothing more than note his presence. This started the conversation on a submissive note, and allowed Gramma a few moments to prepare. Unacceptable.

#2 Sneak past the security system, starting their conversation with Gramma on the defensive, but…the tone was wrong. It implied he needed sneakiness or subterfuge, and gramma would pick up on that and it would color their interaction.

#3 break her security system. Gramma would likely rate the entrance poorly, complain of him being a brute, and be dismissive of him in general.

#4 Sprint through the security system, grab her by the shoulders and scream at full volume while shaking her wildly. She wouldn’t get any kind of read on his intentions or be able to make backhanded comments while utterly flummoxed.

#4 was a strong possibility, but Perry decided to go with #5: the behavior of a king.

Don’t evade it, don’t allow it, don’t break it.

Take it.

Perry extended a palm as he walked across the street, a glowing orb manifesting above, detailing the clinic.

Gretchen’s Idyllic Manifestation.exe

The defenses reacted to the spell, fluttering out and splattering uselessly against the sheer mass of Perry’s working.

Perry absorbed the information of every single defense in place to protect his grandmother and her clientele, and replaced them with his own, using his internalized batteries to inject the essences where they were needed.

Sure, it would still protect them, and better than it did before…but it answered to him now.

Once the hypothetical manifestation was to his liking, Perry crushed the orb in his palm, triggering the change.

Thousands of complex, layered spells were replaced with tens of thousands, of much greater complexity, all connected to a Lair Control Center that Perry controlled.

It’s my clinic now, ya’ old witch.

The appearance of the clinic didn’t even flicker, despite being replaced from the ground up, and Sera wrenched the door open, rushing inside.

“Great Gramma!” she said, rushing inside, moments ahead of Perry and her brother, her previous distaste for Marigold overwhelmed by the possibility of free candy.

Several injured Manitians glanced up in curiosity as Sera ran past them, flinching when they spotted Perry’s expression.

Paradox’s Seraphine Ouchie Corrector.exe

A modified Astra’s mending channelled outward from Perry and healed everyone attending of their ailments. A missing tooth, a bit of mange, fleas, exhausted fairy dust, you name it.

As one, they decided they didn’t need to hang around, leaving Paradox’s clinic through the front door to escape from Paradox’s withering gaze.

“Paradox, lovely to see you!” Gramma said, emerging from the side-room with her arms wide, a flesh-eating attack curse dissipating into unstructured essence behind her. Naturally nobody else saw it, but that meant he’d spooked the shit out of her.

Time to keep the ball rolling.

“That healing spell of yours is wonderful, but your brutish entrance nearly sealed my tools inside a surgery patient.” She said, giving him a boney hug.

“Ah, grandmother mine, I was in the neighborhood and I felt I had to replace those finger-paintings you call defensive spellwork. They’re better now.”

“Arrogance isn’t becoming for a-“

Gramma’s eye twitched as she tried to access the defensive network to take control of the clinic.

Unfortunately it no longer existed.

Not arrogance if you can back it up.

Perry directed the brand-new LCC to clamp down on dimensional travel, causing her own clinic of forty years to betray her and cast an anti-teleportation net, making leaving no longer an option for the old woman.

“Candy?” Sera asked, craning her neck to look up at her great-grandmother.

“…Of course.” The old queen said, her face becoming a mask of a doting old woman with her great-grandchildren.

“So, Paradox, what business brings you here?” Gramma asked once the twins were distracted, leaning against the counter of the examination room while Gareth and Sera focused on their lollipops.

Perry gave it a 20% chance if the twins weren’t there, Gramma would’ve already started slinging spells in a fit of rage.

The woman’s knuckles were white.

“Do I really need a reason to visit my favorite grandparent?” Perry asked, playing coy. He definitely wasn’t enjoying himself by visiting the same behavior on the old woman she’d subjected him to for decades.

Definitely not.

Besides, not answering her questions was part of the dance.

If he answered and got straight to the point, that would imply that they were equals in this dialogue. They were not equals, and the sooner she understood that and begged for him to throw her a bone, the sooner Perry could ask the real questions.

She understood this just as well as he did. She’d been doing it for a lifetime after all. Several lifetimes.

Gramma’s eyes narrowed, and Essence rose off of her like heat waves.

“Is that grape?” Sera asked.

Gareth nodded, and the two exchanged lollipops.

“Nah, I like mine better.” Sera said, reaching out her hand to take her lollipop back, but Gareth turned away from her, hoarding the orange lollipop.

Before it could escalate into full-on war, Perry intervened and took the grape lollipop for himself, leaned past his grandmother and taking one of her orange ones, handing it to Sera to prevent a full-on meltdown.

Maintaining heavy eye contact while he took something of hers.

Without asking.

It was a litmus test.

If she corrected his manners and gave him a lecture or a snide remark, that meant she would need a little more shaking up. Perry would be happy to oblige.

Gramma kept the stare going, but didn’t say anything.

“I’m intensely curious. Would you please enlighten me?” Gramma said.

Perry crunched through the grape-flavored sugar and withdrew the stick, waving it for emphasis.

“I’m going to ask you some questions, and once I’ve got your answers, I will decide whether you will be allowed to leave the clinic.” Perry said.

“You have no authority-“

Crunch, crunch.

Perry chewed on the crunched-up lollipop, deafening him to Gramma’s impotent protests. He wasn’t a huge fan of grape specifically but it was sour and sweet, so it got a pass. He waited with a blank expression for gramma to realize that authority was derived from power.

And Paradox had more.

After a long silence, Gramma raised a brow. “I suppose you’ve taken my lessons to heart and become someone worthy of my blood.”

“Don’t kid yourself into thinking you’ve got anything to do with this,” Perry motioned to himself. “I could’ve had the magical talent of a thumb-tack and Darryl’s System would’ve done the same thing. Your entire legacy has been overshadowed by my father one night in his basement. That must sting.”

Gramma’s eye twitched. “You’re getting off topic.”

Perry snapped his fingers.

“Right. Do you know a cowl by the name…Scrape?”

Gramma’s microexpressions told Perry everything he needed to know.

“And he didn’t perchance bring a sample to you with a request that you magically enhance its potency?” Perry asked.

“I would never work with someone like that.” Gramma lied.

“Of course you wouldn’t. Scrape is a rotten-toothed meth-head, and you’re a queen. You wouldn’t be caught dead associating with filth like him…Unless he was going after your white whale?” Perry asked. “Somebody you couldn’t tolerate being above you?”

Gramma stayed quiet.

“It’s a fine cat’s paw, I’ll give you that. I’m the only person that put it together. Mom will probably be next. Whether or not she’ll do anything about it…” Perry shrugged.

“Did it occur to you that destabilizing the most powerful man on the planet might put your great grandchildren in danger?”

Gramma didn’t say anything.

“You know what I did to the last person who tried to endanger my children?”

“You removed all his teeth and beat him to death with your bare hands.” Gramma said quietly.

“Exactly! So what makes you think you’re afforded any slack?” Perry demanded.

“Because your children are here?” Gramma asked.

“Oh yeah,” Perry said, glancing down at the twins, who were looking up at him with wide eyes, lollipop sticks hanging slack from their mouths.

“Are you gonna kill great gramma?” Sera asked with wide eyes.

“Probably not,” Perry said, tousling her hair before turning his gaze back towards the witch.

“Here’s what you’re going to do,” Perry said. “You’re going to actively assist in the search for a cure. You’re going to be a good, upstanding citizen and do everything in your power to help keep Solaris healthy…Or else.”

“Or else what? Kill me? I’m not afraid of death.”

Perry grunted. “Yes, I’m sure you’ve clawed your way out of Tartarus more than once. No, I had something more extreme in mind.”

Paradox retrieved a folded up sheet of paper from his vest pocket, and began reciting a list of names.

His grandmother slowly lost color in her face as she realized that the list of names were powerful Manitians who had been disappeared by the U.S. government shortly after their arrival on Earth. People she’d informed on to get an early lead against.

The list was extensive, and touched the family tree of nearly every major political house that had taken shelter on Earth. He’d found it in an abandoned military bunker while digging for dirt on Tyrannus.

“How did you…” Gramma breathed.

“Picked it up at a garage sale recently for a steal,” Perry said. “I didn’t think I’d have to use it so soon, but here we are.”

Perry stuffed the list back in his pocket. The funny thing was, with his System-enhanced memory, the list was more of a prop for dramatic effect. Judging by the old woman’s expression, it had worked.

“If you don’t comply and put your best effort towards helping the rest of us resolve the ‘Solaris problem’, I will burn your legacy to the ground and piss on the ashes. You will be queen of the ditch on 34th and main street. Do you understand me?”

“…Yes.”

“Good. Now give me the details of the exact spell you used to slip Scrape’s virus past Solaris’s immunities. If you have any remaining samples of Solaris’s blood, I want those too.”

Marigold was ashen and shaking as she led them to an office where she began pulling out detailed notes of a custom-made curse, along with a floating piece of bone marrow that occasionally dripped blood into a waiting magical flask.

Part of Perry felt bad at upsetting his only grandmother.

The overwhelming majority of him was having a great time.

“Your assistance is most appreciated.” Perry said, seizing the documents and the blood-producing sample.

“…it for you,” Gramma murmured as Perry walked away.

“Eh?” Perry asked, glancing back.

“I did it for you, you ungrateful child!” Gramma shouted, causing the twins to hide behind him.

Perry watched his grandmother lose her cool, completely unmoved.

“It’s okay, you two,” Perry said, patting his children on the shoulder comfortingly. “Some people lie to themselves so often they forget what’s real.”

He looked up at the wild-eyed witch.

“I don’t need your help.”