Chapter 247: who cut the cake? (Patreon)

“Sophie!” Nat cried, sprinting across the glass floor and doing her best impression of a tackle. The Elysian attendant took the hit with barely a stagger, patting the raven-haired girl on the head.

“Natalie, I’ve missed you! How are you all doing?”

Natalie unleashed a flood of information while Sophie’s eyebrows gradually climbed.

“I was just stopping by Earth to thank you personally for saving my sister, Suzy.” Sophie said, motioning to a familiar woman trailing behind her, looking nervous at the sheer quantity of people around them, her shoulders a bit hunched, gaze flitting around.

Huh. I thought she might’ve been an Elysian Attendant, but didn’t think she’d be Sophie’s sister. Perry thought.

“Who’s that, Daddy?” Sera whispered.

“That’s Sophie. She taught your mom…how to make Daddy and your other Mom happy.”

Very happy.

Kind of sidestepping the point, but true.

Elysian Attendants were pure spirits from Elysium who comforted the souls of great warriors who fought for good and never lost themselves to the horrors of war. A large part of their toolkit was seduction, and they were often referred to as ‘inverse succubi’ or ‘sex angels’ but obviously they did a lot more than that.

In the case of Sophie, Perry summoned her with the intention of having her flip burgers at an understaffed pool-party, but she’d hung around until she felt the heroic deed he’d used to summon her had been repaid.

She’d felt the best way to pay it back would be to set him up with Nat, rather than any direct action on her part. She’d wound up teaching Nat a few bedroom techniques that were literally magical.

Nat had never spilled the beans on exactly what those techniques were, but Perry had a theory: He believed that Sophie had taught Natalie how to weaponize her soul smudges by using them as a test to determine how Heather or Perry would react to a specific course of action before she did it.

Which basically meant Natalie was batting 1000 for everything she ever said or did in the bedroom.

It was a tough act to follow, but damn if they didn’t enjoy trying.

“This is Suzie,” Sophie said, motioning to her sister, who gingerly shook Nat’s hand.

“Hi.” Suzy whispered.

“Nice to meet you Suzy! “Are you two going to be staying with us?” They were still waiting for their Elysian Attendant to show up.

“I would love to spend a lifetime or two watching over you three,” Sophie said mournfully, “but Suzy needs a long vacation, and I need Suzy. We’re going to spend a few decades on a beach on one of my private planets, then see where it goes from there. Just stopping by to say hi and thank you again for freeing Suzy.”

“Oh, bummer. Well, I hope you guys get the rest you need.” Natalie offered.

Suzy nodded meekly.

“Also!” Sophie withdrew a pale blue crystal knife from her cleavage. “Since I was stopping by, I was tasked with delivering this realm-piercing dagger. It’s attuned to the Attendant we’ve chosen for you. Whenever you have need, simply split the dimensional fabric dividing us and they will answer.”

“Thank you.” Natalie said as she took the blade.

“We really do need a babysitter for Perry.” Heather said, nodding. “Someone to open jars for him and make sure he uses the toilet.”

“And someone to laugh at your jokes,” Perry said, nodding along with Heather.

“Its good to see you again too, Perry, Heather. I wish you two would be nicer to each other, though.” Sophie said with a pout before scooping them both into a hug, forcing them into her bosom.

“Nah man, this is our thing.” Heather said, struggling weakly. “Don’t mess with our thing.”

Sophie got a glint in her eyes as she stepped back and scanned the two of them appraisingly.

“Don’t you dare.” Heather said.

“I wouldn’t dream of it…” Sophie said, unable to maintain eye contact with the fiery redhead. “Anyway, congratulations on your wedding, I love all three of you, and hope to see you again soon,” She said, giving a delicate curtsy before taking her sister’s hand and stepping through a shimmering fold in reality.

The last Perry saw of them was Suzy waving back from the sands of a pristine golden beach with crystal-blue waves lapping gently at the shore.

“Good for her.” Perry said, nodding.

“What kind of attendant do you think we’ll get?” Heather asked, taking the dagger and holding it covetously. “Sexy pool-boy? Shirtless romance novel cover?”

“Probably an older magical nanny.” Perry said with a shrug. Elysian Attendants didn’t like making waves, so they wouldn’t send anyone who might upset the delicate balance between the three of them. They also aimed to fill a need without being superfluous. The thing the three of them needed the most was help keeping an eye on the twins, not a playmate.

Plus Perry could see her waiting on the other side.

She had an older Mary Poppins vibe, and a rigid, no-nonsense stance as she waited in formal somewhat drab grey attire. She was probably thinking she would not only take care of the kids, but whip the three of them into shape and teach them how to be parents.

Elysian Attendants did what was best for you, not necessarily what you wanted.

“I doubt it.” Heather said.

“Bet you twenty Natbucks I’m right.” Perry said, clasping his hands together.

“Dangit,” Heather said with a sigh, putting the blade in its sheath and in her purse. She knew Perry never gambled Natbucks if he wasn’t sure. It was practically a guarantee.

“Are you guys still doing that?” Nat asked, squinting at the two of them.

“…No?” Perry said guiltily. He could’ve probably feigned complete innocence, but it was more fun to lead Nat on. Part of the dance.

“Well, the national bank of Natalie is about to-“

“Cake!” Sera interrupted her mom, tugging on Nat’s dress while hopping up and down. “Where’s the cake!?”

Perry glanced at his son and saw that Gareth looked a little hungry too, but the stoic little boy didn’t wanna let anybody know, so he just fiddled with some of his blocks, clicking and unclicking them from each other.

Perry gave Nat a nod.

“You’re right, sweety, it’s cake time,” she said, struggling to pick up Sera. People had gotten plenty of time to mingle, and now it was time to stuff their gobs with unearned cake baked by a Potent Thaumaturge just for showing up.

And then we can draw this pain in the ass wedding to a close, Perry thought uncharitably. He was happy to get married, but this was more people than he liked having in his face at any one time.

Strange I haven’t seen Tyrannus here. I thought he’d be busy trying to recruit more supers to his country. Oddly the dragon had been absent the entire night.

Lots of weird things happening recently. And everyone dying in six months? On pretty high authority, too.

Their honeymoon to the Death-Lands of Australia might have to be cut short, or cut entirely.

Oh no, I won’t have to learn to live with human-mimicking spiders while on vacation or snatch venomous snakes out of Gareth’s hands. Whatever shall I do?

Perry would have to discuss it with Nat and Heather.

What about Tyrannus? Perry could bring the dragon in on the Solaris issue, but he was afraid it might do more harm than good.

Informing a state leader about another state leader’s weakness and expecting them to help fix it was…naïve, especially when incentives clearly went in the other direction.

Tyrannus would be highly incentivized to try to claw some advantage out of it, and honestly…The dragon’s primary advantage were the resources his country could bring to the table.

Who then, to turn to?

The Anchors, Perry supposed. The people who Solaris trusted to kill him should he go crazy were likely the right ones to bring this up with. Their primary goal was not actually killing Solaris, but keeping him a functioning deterrent for other city-states that might want a piece of the pie in the northern Americas.

He had an in with Chemestro and Hexen.

I guess I should start making visits as soon as the reception is over…too delicate to do over the phone. Speaking of the reception…

Through an optical illusion, Perry had hidden the cake in the glass floor, making the middle floor look paper-thin while concealing a towering case some twenty feet tall. At the press of a button it would unleash…

The Cake.

A funfetti monstrosity, soft as whipped cream, heavy as a lead weight in the gut, yet structurally sound enough to stand entirely without support.

“Cake, cake, cake!” Sera chanted, pumping her fist from where Nat held her aloft. The surrounding supers took up the chant, and soon the glass walls were ringing.

“Cake, cake, CAKE!”

“You think?” Heather asked, glancing at Perry.

“Yep.”

Perry pressed the button.

The glass floor split open in an explosion of simulated fireworks on the faux glass monitors that stretched across the floor. The elevator kicked in with a dramatic hum of electrical motors.

Perry could’ve made it completely silent, but the hum of electric motors gave the listeners a sense of anticipation before the cake arrived, adding an extra layer of excitement.

About five seconds into the lift, Perry realized that he should’ve seen the top of the cake by that point.

His eyes narrowed.

Anything but that. It’s been going so smoothly.

“Feast your eyes on the Dynamic Duo!” A voice echoed from the pit, amplified by a speaker.

Two armors crept into view as the lift continued raising them out of the floor. They were frozen into a dynamic pose, one flexing while the other knelt, his arms pointing upward at a rakish angle.

“Terminal Velocity!”

“And Maximum Overdrive.”

Perry sighed, rubbing his temples.

“We’ve come to crush our Nemesis: Paradox!”

“Yeah, if you ever want to get your cake back, you’ll have to defeat us!”

“In a game of doubles Volleyball!”

The crowd got amped up. Sometimes Perry forgot how crazy the super community really was, because all the attendees were already 100% on board, watching with glittering eyes.

Sera, on the other hand, started crying.

Nat sighed, burying her face in her hand.

Heather shrugged. “Honestly I’m surprised we got this far without something like this happening.”

“Who are you guys again?” Perry asked.

“Ah, Uh, you don’t – I mean, We are Maximum Overdrive and Terminal Velocity, your nemesis. Nemesises? Nemeses?”

“Yeah, right, whatever.” Perry said, kneeling down beside Sera. “It’s okay, Sera, there’s still gonna be cake.”

“Really?” She asked, voice hopeful.

“Yep. Gareth, you want some cake too, right?”

Gareth gave a shallow nod, which was probably the most he was gonna get outta him.

“Well, in your parent’s line of work, there are often bad guys who show up and do bad things, just to make their pathetic lives a bit more interesting.”

“Hey!”

“In this case, these two volunteered to show you guys what that’s like. All you two have to do is beat them in a volleyball match.”

“Wait-“

“They’re gonna talk a lot of shit, but that’s part of the game, you understand? They’re play-acting, and you’re definitely going to beat them at Volleyball. And thenthere will be cake.”

“Yeah!” Sera said, clenching a fist, totally confident.

“What’s volleyball?” Gareth asked, asking the important questions.

“It’s a game where your team hits a ball over a net to the other team.” Perry said. “Super simple.”

There were other rules, but They really didn’t need to know them for the pruposes of this particular humiliation.

“Fool! Do you think we’re playing!?”

“You literally kidnapped a cake.” Perry said, rolling his index finger in a circular gesture, calling for the lair control center’s attention.

“Clear a space. Initiate game mode: Volleyball.”

The surrounding spectators were gently pushed back until only a holographic net and a pattern on the floor remained.

“Play, these two are gonna take it super easy on you, so relax and have fun,” Perry said, pushing the twins forward.

“No we’re not, We’re going to crush you! And then we’ll crush your parents!”

“Daddy…” Gareth said, looking back at him.

“They’re talking shit, it’s part of the game.” Perry said, shooing them forward. “Go on, go, go,go.”

“We’re not taking off our power armor this time, and we’re not gonna play against –“

Dragor’s Kinesis.EXE

Perry seized control of their limbs, lungs and vocal cords through their storebought suits through sheer applied force.

Gramma let out a loud guffaw, grinning from ear to ear as she stirred her drink, Grampa Collins standing next to her, their tiff apparently forgotten.

“-Losers, so you two better bring your A game!” Perry forced one to say while posing the other in an uncomfortable, but dynamic pose.

“No, you’re losers!” Sera said. “You umm…wet the bed!”

“You don’t have anything better to do!” Gareth said, truly cutting to the heart of the matter. There was a low ‘oooo’ from the watching supers at Gareth’s burn.

“Ack! Bro, they’re too sassy!” Perry made one of his puppets say.

“We’ll just have to beat them on the court!” Perry made the other say, lifting the volleyball into view.

“This seems strangely rehearsed.” Heather said, frowning before glancing at Perry.

“Did you arrange this?” Nat asked.

“You could say that,” Perry said with a shrug. “I guarantee you they’ll have fun.”

What followed was a humiliation of the highest order. Perry softened the impact on their tiny little hands, and altered the trajectory of the ball to hide his assistance as much as possible, while making the dynamic duo fail as spectacularly as possible.

To the outside observer, it would appear as if a couple adults were taking a dive to humor some children as an act of goodwill, giving them an easy first-time intro into the world of Super life.

Honestly the Dynamic Duo were gaining a decent amount of street cred for this act of goodwill.

If you were to observe the brother’s heart rate, panicked breathing, and adrenaline levels…

Then you’d reveal the sheer terror they were experiencing at no longer being in control of their own bodies. Unable to speak their own words or perform their own actions, no amount of struggling could alter their movements to any perceivable degree.

In short, it was a living nightmare for a solid ten-minute game.

“That’s our loss,” Perry’s puppet said, dropping to his knees in exaggerated sorrow. “We are defeated!”

“YEAH!” Sera shouted, pumping a fist. Even Gareth seemed to have enjoyed himself.

“We will now reveal where we hid the cake, because we like our spines intact!” The other puppet said, shortly before Perry dropped Dragor’s Kinesis.

The two tinkers drew shuddering breaths and straightened, casting glances at Perry.

Perry drew a finger across his neck.

“…Inside this invisible box!” One of the brothers said, the two of them motioning to an empty space that collapsed to reveal the twenty foot cake.

“WHOO! CAKE!” Sera shouted.

“Help yourself everyone!” Perry said, raising his voice to cover the crowd.

“How did those two get past security?” Nat asked quietly as Supers swarmed the cake, holding the heroes of the hour on their shoulders to cut the first two slices.

“I’m not sure yet.” Perry said, watching the two fanciful armors slink away.