Chapter 228: Cleaning Out The Desk (Patreon)

Believing everything was cool until ‘Next week’ was naïve.

All of Tyrannus being above-board with Perry was so that the ONE time he lied, it would catch Perry off guard, and it would be the end.

At least, that’s what Perry believed. Maybe that’s what they both believed.

Perry didn’t get treated for radiation poisoning. Magic clears that shit out fast enough, and his body’s resistance was comparable to lead, anyway.

No, he needed to get back to his ‘office’ in the labs immediately and clear his shit out ahead of news of Perry and Tyrannus’ falling out.

“Eugene, up,” Perry said, pointing at the ceiling as he entered the lab. The bioweapon leapt onto the ceiling, and Perry tossed him a dragon scale he’d purloined from the blast zone.

Crunch, crunch!Eugene caught and happily crunched down on the dragon scale, looking like a dog worrying on a piece of rawhide. MDNA sample acquired, and all it took was a nuke and a great deal of pain and suffering.

“Good morning Gna’kis,” Perry said, sweeping into his office.

“Good morning, Perry…you look…not great.” the miniature demon lord said, frowning at him.

“I had a blast earlier,” Perry said, grabbing her jar and disconnecting it from the desk before perching her on his shoulder, activating the mag-lock to keep her in place.

“Oh come on, man, I was right in the middle of a game,” she groused.

“Sorry, but we’re a bit pressed for time,” Perry said, opening his Loot Bag and stretching the portal wide to shove his entire desk through. In a matter of seconds, none of the furniture remained.

Perry was pretty sure they had DNA samples already, but that was no reason to make it easier on them, so he hosed the office down with sanitizing goop before heading over to his workshop, where some of his best work had been done with dozens of researchers providing support.

Ah, I’ll miss you. Perry thought, patting the doorframe.

“Hey, Perry, what’s going on?” one of the researchers asked as Perry stormed into his lab, where the magic literally happened.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” Perry said, raising his voice so that the researchers at the back of the gigantic room could hear. “Please proceed to the exits in an orderly manner, this place is about to become slag.”

“Wha-“ The researcher’s eyes widened in alarm as Perry grabbed a nearby bottle of pure alcohol and lit it on fire with a quick application of Static Shock.

Fwoosh!

With the proper application of Paradoxed fuel, Perry’s prized essence printer went up in flames.

It was okay, because Perry had a spare at his lair. He didn’t host his best stuff at Tyrannus’ place, which made this breakup less messy than it could’ve been.

Tyrannus probably had a copy too, but best nor make things easier on him. The real problem was the dragon got to keep the kids (the scientists).

It was about this time that the researchers understood that it was in their best interest to be anywhere else, and they scattered, comically unathletic as they scrambled for the exits.

But the question is: did we actually gain enough to surpass Tyrannus?

He stood, watching his work burning merrily for a moment before he felt a hand grasp the shoulder without a demon.

“Paradox, what’s going on?” A man in a lab coat that Perry didn’t recognize asked, his hand subtly changing color as it rested on his shoulder.

Perry lunged to the side as the man tried to glomp him, dodging the hug.

The hand was stuck to his shoulder though, and beginning to smoke. It lost it’s color and flattened out as it turned into and amorphous, jelly-like consistency.

“I KNEW that ‘next week’ thing was bullshit,” Perry muttered as a group of acolytes emerged from down the hall, pointing handheld counterspell equipment at him.

It did reveal that Tyrannus had probably been vulnerable at that moment. Hell, Perry had been too. Neither of them wanted to go at it at that very moment when they weren’t at their best, but Tyrannus had the luxury of delegating Perrys demise.

Well, his inconvenience, anyway.

Perry whipped his hand through the wrist attached to the hand on his shoulder, shaking the bits of acid off his skin.

The man stared at his amputated hand, jaw dropped.

“Oh, come on, it’s not even bleeding,” Perry muttered, ripping off the patch of vest that had the melting acid-glue hand. The loss of hand didn’t seem to be his problem, though.

The man twitched, staring into the distance as he gradually turned a sickly yellow, slumped to the ground and slowly liquified. There were several things that could be going on here, kamikaze curse, or a trigger, or a high-tech assassination bioweapon. It was interesting, but Perry didn’t have time to sit around and poke it with a stick.

Here’s your hand, Perry thought, tossing it to the amorphous blob that began reaching towards him. He backed away a bit as it seemed to be leaning his direction.

Can never be too careful.

“Paradox Zauberer.” A familiar voice said from the front of the procession. The headmistress with the Wildcard ability.

Well, now I KNOW it’s a party.

Perry poked his fingers in his ears and eloquently refuted whatever she was about to say:

“NANANANANANANANANA!”

He saw her say something, but who knew what she was really trying to say?

Not Perry. But if he had to guess, it was probably something along the lines of:

‘kick me in the jaw so I can’t speak.’

Perry obliged.

The headmistress lady’s eyes widened as Perry walked through her vaunted control using the advanced technique he’d learned from Seraphine when he tried to make her take a bath.

The kick part didn’t go so well, as his foot was caught by a bruiser stepping in front of Severe Bun lady.

Perry was reeled in by the ankle, all the while sticking his fingers in his ears and hollering. The acolytes with the counterspellers flanked him on either side as more bruisers grabbed his wrists, wrestling his hands away from his ears.

“I am defeated!” Perry shouted in despair as they wrenched his hands down to his sides.

A heartbeat of silence passed as they breathlessly waited for the headmistress to do her thing.

The bruiser behind him frowned, then glanced over his shoulder.

In their hyperfocus on Perry, Eugene had taken the opportunity to drop from the ceiling to eviscerate the headmistress.

She was still alive, owing to what appeared to be some enchanted jewelry and a protective shield-belt, but the old woman was bleeding pretty profusely from the neck, trying to stem the flow of blood to the best of her abilities while Eugene went apeshit on the shield flaring up around her. Sadly none of the follow-up strikes were quite as powerful as the first. Eugene was designed to hit things hard like a diving hawk in order to punch above his weight. His follow-up game was still devastating, but not quite as much.

Still, she wasn’t going to be speaking again anytime soon, so he’d done his job.

Good boy!

“Eugene, up!” Perry said as the bruiser cursed and dropped Perry’s ankle.

Eugene hissed in glee and leapt up to the ceiling, changing color to match the tiles.

“Shit,” The bruiser muttered, craning his neck to follow the bioweapon’s skittering movements.

Perry kicked one of the bruisers holding him, realized the guy had tactical telekinesis shielding him, and kicked the other, who blinked as his brain got rattled.

Twisting his arm almost out of it’s socket, Perry was able to swing his leg out and catch the tip of the counterspeller, kicking it out of the acolyte’s hand.

That was only one of two, but he didn’t need more than one.

In a move that actually twisted his arm out of its socket, Perry swung his shoulder toward the flying counterspelling machine and detached Gna’kis, sending the demon lord of sinful technology hurtling through the air towards the machine, screaming in panic as her jar tumbled.

Crash!

“Muahahah!” A tinny voice that was half electronic garbled signals began to emanate from the counterspelling gun as it grew limbs. “FREEDOM!”

Bruiser #1 glanced back from the exsanguinating Headmistress and realized that things were rapidly going to shit, as Gna’kis proceeded with her plans for world domination.

“I’m sorry Perry, but I don’t think I can bring myself to hurt people. I just wanna watch youtube, stream myself playing horror games and, people match on dating apps….and occasionally dox them.”

…

Huh. I might’ve scrambled her soul a little too well. Ah well, I’ll do better with the next demon lord.

“Just disable the other gun!” Perry said, motioning with his head.

“Roger!” The chunky counterspeller grew wiry steel legs and leapt on the other one, fusing the two of them together into a single machine about the size of a large dog.

“Damnit,” Bruiser #1 muttered, taking a swing at Perry’s head.

Dragor’sKinesis.exe

Perry nudged the punch into the shielded bruiser and slipped out of their grasp, overwhelming their tactile telekinesis in the moment of surprise.

His hand free, Perry punched the still stunned bruiser he’d kicked earlier, screaming as his arm popped back into the socket. The man reeled back with a bloody nose, grip loosening enough for Perry to pull his arm out.

Finally free, Perry shoved all three bruisers away from himself, dodging a beam of crimson energy from one of the backliners who’d held off until they had a clear shot.

Perry launched a pernicious prison at them, missing as a speedster sped up in his blind spot and punched him in the back of the head, briefly messing up his aim.

Perry’s HP was still bottomed out from the nuke, so it hurt. If the speedster had any more mass, it might’ve been a serious problem. As it stood, it just hurt really bad. There was a bit of blood and he’d probably have a good-sized egg there in the morning.

Perry glanced up from the blood on his fingertips, deliberately turning his head and staring at the sucker-puncher, who was himself gazing accusingly at his own brass-knuckled fist, as if it had failed some unspoken agreement.

“Usually that works,” the guy breathed.

Perry whipped his hand out and grabbed the speedster’s shoulder before kicking his kneecap in.

“I’ll bet.” Perry said, catching another energy blast approaching out of the corner of his eye.

I think I’m starting to get control of this fight. let’s behave ourselves. They’re not pulling out the death rays either. Why aren’t they pulling out the death rays?

What was Headmistress lady going to say?

Perry pushed the shocked speedster out of the way of the blast and leaned low, allowing the blast to sizzle past him, cutting a hole in the far end of the hallway.

On Perry’s signal, Eugene detached from the ceiling and tackled the energy type to the ground, crushing the air out of him, but generally keeping him alive.

Perry had to deal with Bruiser #1 and 2, who rushed him from either side.

Perry focused on Dragor’s Kinesis and sent the two of them flying up through the ceiling at hundreds of feet per second.

Falling out of the atmosphere should buy him a couple extra seconds.

Perry stalked towards the Headmistress, who glared at him, her bloody hand clamped over her throat. He squatted down in front of her, taking in her state.

She’d…probably live.

Perry reached out with Astra’s Mending and repaired the vein while leaving the rest of the cut. She was a lot better off now, but he didn’t want her actually speaking.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t make out what you were saying.”

Headmistress reached a trembling hand into her breast pocket and tugged out a letter.

Paradox, one of the prototypes I designed to kill you got loose before it was ready, so I sent these acolytes to contain it. It was supposed to look like one of your women, but I was having a hard time making it look like them while also hunting your specific genetic profile. The targeting sample kept drifting around in the design because of your weird DNA, so it wound up looking like a vaguely male amalgam of you and them.

Feel free to have these acolytes help you clear out your desk once it’s dealt with.

“Oh, shit,” Perry said. “Misunderstanding. Sorry.” Perry said, tweaking the bleeding woman’s nose.

Maybe the note was telling the truth, maybe it was just a letter to get them out of trouble if they failed. Perry was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

“Tell Billy that I appreciate the assistance, but it wasn’t necessary,” Perry said, moving the Pernicious prison over to the corrosive slime oozing towards him and killing it.

Perry leaned down and took off one of the headmistresses socks and jammed it into her mouth.

Multitool

Perry summoned a roll of duct tape and wound it around the woman’s mouth a couple times.

“And if I ever hear you say my full name again, I’ll kill you before you can utter another word.” Perry said, staring into the shivering woman’s eyes. “Your mouth ain't that fast. Understood?”

She nodded.

“Good. Ava says hi. ”

Perry winked.