Chapter 148: I want Grandkids! (Patreon)

“Pass? PASS!?” Gramma’s voice rose as her face turned red. “By all the gods I wish I’d kept a tighter rein on you as a child. It was the weakness of love that stayed my hand and allowed your mother to raise you like a suburban drone! Woe to the house of Zauberer, you’ve all the ambition of one, as well!”

Throb, Throb. Perry was tired. And his head hurt.

“Gramma, it-“

“Do you think power is benevolently handed down to those most worthy of it? NO! it is seized! All authority is derived from force. Do you think Solaris runs this city because he’s the best leader or the best bureaucrat? Or is it because he can vaporize his enemies at the SPEED OF CAUSALITY!?”

“Gramma-“

“Here you have the chance to fix everything, to even the keel of the entire planet, use the Replicators as an iron curtain between our people and the harsh reality of the tide, and you balk at the opportunity because it’s against the rules. Whose rules, I wonder? Are you really so far gone that you don’t understand that rules are laid down for the rank and file, not leaders?”

Perry’s guts were beginning to burn with anger at Grandmother’s constant jabs, nearly overwhelming the full-body exhaustion and throbbing headache.

“It’s your Dullard of a father’s influence, making you wea-“

Perry felt something break inside.

Perry lunged forward with a snarl, grabbing Gramma by the throat and slamming her against the wall. With his enhanced sense, he could perceive her using her essences reflexively to cushion the blow behind her.

“I just found out Dad’s been dead for a decade, so-“

Perry saw motion out of the corner of his eye, one of Gramma’s shadow bodyguards leaping out of the floor toward him.

Sliding Stats

Stability 38 -> 32

Attunement 48 -> 54

Thump. Thump.

The world snapped out of existence, revealing the bodyguard’s true wisp-like form, squirming towards him like an eel.

Perry reached out his other hand and seized the shadow by the neck before dragging the struggling spirit up to his mouth and biting its head off. He chewed. He swallowed.

Tastes like power.

“As I was saying,” Perry said, tossing the limp spirit aside and turning his attention back to his older female role model.

For some reason the crone was paler than usual.

“I find it rather pathetic that you’re still scrambling around for something as pedestrian as a robot army, grandmother,” Perry said, his enunciation crisp, tone unnaturally cold.

Gramma’s words coming out of my mouth, Perry thought idly, feeling like a passenger in his own body.

“In a few short years, I will make the replicator horde seem quaint. I will answer to no man, retaking the wilderness that humiliated you with ease. You know this. You know it’s just a matter of time. It makes me wonder why you are constantly scheming, betraying, and creating monsters ostensibly on my behalf. It makes me wonder if you would truly be comfortable with your grandson holding all the power.”

“It makes me wonder…should I just skip all the fuss and kill you now? I’d get all the power you say you want for me, and more.” Probably get a couple levels from it. A huge step forward.Perry considered it.

Gramma’s eyes teared up, and her nose began to run, her lip quivering a bit. Finally she was starting to get the message.

“I’m so proud of you,” She said with a trembling voice as she wiped the tears away with the palm of her hand.

“Eh?” Perry grunted.

“Thank the gods, there’s a spine buried under all that mediocrity. I’ve never been so relieved in my life.” Gramma pulled out a gold-embroidered handkerchief and dabbed her eyes.

Essences roiled out of her body, wrapping around Perry’s arm. Perry resisted a little, to show he could, before relaxing and allowing them to pull his hand away from Grandmother. No sense getting his arm ripped off just to prove a point. Yet.

“Impressive display young man…Although you should balance your humors before you kill one of your paramours.” Grandmother said, straightening her collar.

Perry blinked. Oh right.

Attunement 54 -> 42

Stability 32 -> 38

Nerve 16 -> 22

As Perry readjusted his stats, the headache diminished drastically, while the wave of exhaustion returned even stronger than it had been before.

“…Sorry.” Perry muttered, a yawn forcing its way out of him.

“Peasants apologize.” Gramma admonished him, and Perry had a brief urge to rattle her cage again, but managed to stuff it down.

Gramma finished straightening her clothes – which Perry wouldn’t have been able to identify as mussed – then looked him, her eyes cold and calculating. Perry braced himself for her to go on the offensive.

“When am I going to be a great grandmother, Paradox?”

Perry was not prepared for thatkind of offense.

“You’ve been seeing these girls for months now, both of them are fertile, healthy, compatible, but neither of them is showing signs of being with child. What’s the problem?”

“Ummm…birth control?” Perry said.

“Well, quit it. I want great-grandbabies.” Gramma said. “Not having children to dote on leaves my mind unoccupied, and it often turns to conquest…perhaps if I had a child to bounce on my knee…”

“I’ll take that under advisement,” Perry drawled.

Gramma waggled a finger at him. “See that you do. In the meantime, I’ll…take your words into consideration, Paradox.” Gramma said, the closest thing to admitting she was wrong Perry would ever hear from her.

“Much obliged.” Perry said, smothering another yawn.

“And for the god’s sakes, get some sleep. You’ll be no good to anyone yawning everywhere like that. It’s boorish.”

“Wait. What about the off switch?” Perry asked, blinking blearily. He felt like he was going to pass out standing up.

“Oh that. I was lying about having enough to do it. I just wanted to see if you’d be open to a coup. Apparently you’re not. Yet.”

“Well then what were you lying about in the meeting?” Perry asked.

“Being able to make one.”

“WHAT!? That’s what you were lying about?” Perry demanded. “Being able to do it at all!?”

“I’m Marigold Zauberer. I don’t know how to do it now, but I’ll figure it out. I can’t go around looking incompetent to the rabble, and it’s best not to subject them to undue worrying when their betters are sorting things out. It’ll be fine.”

She paused for a moment.

I will be requiring long-term access to your laboratory and your girlfriends while you’re out, though. You’ve acquired the finest tools for this sort of work, after all. You can check my work when you get back. Resurrecting a dead soul long enough to trap him into a hell of our own devising: It’s a time honored grandmother/grandson bonding activity.”

“Be a dear and fetch that second digitizer, will you? We’ll need the fresh spare to actually work on once we finish refining the method on the first.” She said as she strode out of the room with her typical ground-eating pace.

No. NOOOOOOO!

Gramma camping out in Perry’s lair and talking to Nat at length? There were fates worse than death after all.

The System waited until Gramma was out of the room to intrude on Perry’s thoughts.

Congratulations! You are now a level 11 Garage Tinker!

Holy crap, I bit that guy’s head off!

The shadow bodyguards were old warriors that’d served faithfully in life, and wished to continue serving the family in death, and he’d just EATEN one’s face! How did I DO THAT!? Both the physics and metaphysics of it boggled Perry’s mind. Perry’s mouth did not stretch, nor did the shadow shrink. It just…happened.

He shouldn’t have even been able to physically interact with the spirit against its will.

But he did.

Perry’s stomach heaved, but he managed to keep it down, leaning against the wall and taking two deep breaths. Okay, so I’m a freak of nature. We already knew this. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

In the end, Gramma did him a favor by feeding him the last XP he needed to level. Perry wondered if the old crone needled him on purpose to do so. He wouldn’t put it past her.

Paradox Zauberer (Perry Z.)

Class: Garage Tinker

Level 11

HP: 12

Body: 11

Stability: 39

Nerve: 18 (24)

Attunement: 50 (44)

Free Points:21

XP to next level: 11253

Okay, let’s think about this. I need higher Nerve to help with the headaches. Higher Nerve seems to be dragging my Body down. Higher horsepower in the nervous system meant higher calorie draw from the body. Humans were famous for using 20% of their calories on the brain, after all. It made sense that boosting its performance by 322% would have a corresponding effect on its energy use.

It wasn’t just the constant fighting that was making Perry exhausted, although that was a part of it. Perry’s Body was struggling to keep up with his Nerve, his Nerve was struggling to keep up with his Attunement, and his Stability…well, that was almost okay now.

He needed to even out his lopsided stats a bit.

Perry crunched the numbers a bit and figured out what kind of distribution would make the headache and constant exhaustion go away.

Eight to Nerve, twelve to Body, one to Stability.

The exhaustion vanished and the headache faded to near-nothing. Perry then shuffled his Sliding stats around until they went away completely.

Paradox Zauberer (Perry Z.)

Class: Garage Tinker

Level 11

HP: 12

Body: 23 (26)

Stability: 40

Nerve: 26 (29)

Attunement: 50 (44)

XP to next level: 11241

Okay, so I need to keep Nerve within a certain distance of Attunement or else my brain stops being able to keep up, and I gotta keep my Body within a certain distance of Nerve or it stops being able to keep up.

Looks like I’m finding out where the limits of exponential growth are.

Perry did the math. He’d still pop off one day, even if he had to split his stats evenly four ways, it’d only be delayed…by a handful of levels.

We’ll write this one off as a maintenance level, Perry thought, glancing down at his hand. He was well and truly at superhuman strength by now. 23 Body was a multiplier of 3.07, and 26 Nerve was 3.55.

He was three times stronger and faster than a normal human and 3.55 times quicker on the uptake. Basically a low level Speed-Bruiser.

Fast enough to fight a replicator without a suit? Maybe survive for a little while. The extra Nerve would also make Gretchen’s Idyllic Manifestation perform better.

Gonna wanna take Adaptive HP at level 15, too. Higher Body makes it more attractive.

It broke Perry’s heart a little that he had to take a moment and balance his stats rather than progress his spellpower, but it had to be done. No way was he going to live the rest of his life tired with a gradually worsening headache.

Perry’s phone beeped while he was contemplating his build, summoning him to Hexen’s office to get the tracking spell cast on him.

Perry headed that way, and walked in on mom and dad talking quietly.

Perry eyeballed dad for a moment, but shrugged inwardly. If his dad had been a robot for the last decade and he never noticed, then why worry about it now?

“Here for the tracking spell.” Perry said, keeping it all business.

“Are you sure, honey?” Mom asked.

“Yes, ma’am.”

Mom frowned at him, almost pouting.

“Are you sure? Because your father and I-”

“I can do it.” Perry said.

“He can do it,” dad echoed him.

Probably.

“And besides…” Perry gestured vaguely toward the outside world, which was still flooded with Replicators. “It’s really not much worse out there than it is here.”

Mom crossed her arms and sighed.

“Fine, but I’m casting some protection spells on you too.”

“Wouldn’t say no to that.” Perry said.

Perry watched in fascination as mom weaved a scintillating kaleidoscope of essences around him. Unlike the pre-canned spells stuffed into his soul, these were organic, living things.

He was so fascinated by the spellwork that he missed what mom said next.

“What?”

“So…you’re almost nineteen, and you’ve got a nice, steady job, and a nice, steady girl…we were wondering when we might…get some grandkids?” Mom asked.

“MOM!” Perry wanted to escape that instant, but he knew if he stormed off, it would break the gossamer essences settling around him. Mom knew that and had used it to trap him.

“She’s just saying we’re gonna want a spare in case you bite it out there.” Dad clarified.

“Thanks, robodad.”

“No problem.” Dad gave him a thumb’s-up.

Perry got through the rest of the casting by clamming up while mom went on at length about how cute Perry had been as a baby.

Once she was done, Perry fled back to his lair.

He had one night, so he had to pack as many improvements as he could into the Mk. 7, add another spell to his soul, and get a good night’s sleep before he headed out.

Perry was spinning his wheels pacing back and forth while he waited for the MK. 7 to coalesce out of the chemical bath.

The carbon nanotubes were two hundred and twenty one times stronger than they had any right to be, allowing him to replace the silicon in the chips, and the metal in the frame. The suit was practically a lump of self-healing coal that was also a supercomputer, and it only weighed fifty pounds.

The entire assembly process used different types of carbon that he had doped to respond to stimuli in different ways, allowing him to put down layer after layer of different performing subtypes of carbon. It was inspired by bath-type 3-D printers.

This carbon was slightly radioactive, this carbon was inert, this was a superconductor. Each kind swirled through the bath in equal measure and the powerful emitters on the outside teased the individual strands into place, exactly where they needed to be.

If Perry had done his job right, the suit should be much more resistant to extradimensional attacks, and automatically stabilize his immediate environment by averaging. A bit like noise-cancelling headphones. Nothing fancy, but it would provide him resistance against Wildcards and a dimensional blade that would’ve gone straight through him would now be caught by the armor.

The suit’ll be done in eight hours. The soul-surgery will only take a couple minutes…is there anything else I can do? Sleep seems so far away.

In the middle of his pacing, Perry felt a tug on his sleeve, where Natalie was standing beside him, looking up at him with shimmering brown eyes. When did she even get there?

“Do you have some time to talk before you leave?” She asked, sliding her arms around his waist and looking directly up at him.

Perry glanced over at his projects, none of which he could do anything about at the moment, no matter how hard he paced.

“Well…I guess so, I gotta get some sleep before I head out tomorrow, though.” Perry said as Nat began dragging him away from his pacing.

“This should help,” Natalie said.