Chapter 91: Character Sheets (Patreon)

***Reginald, A.K.A. Barrel of Monkeys***

“Boss, ummm…” Brett sidled up beside Reggie, looking supremely confused. “What in the nine hells is going on? This has been the most confusing three days of my life.

Reggie cocked a brow at Brett. He didn’t recognize the kid, unlike Jetset, Bikini Gunslinger, and Sancho. Maybe he was just a civilian? Unusual given that nobody else here was one.

“Hey Breaker, how much time!?”

“He’s pretty much ignoring all the damage! I should’ve won by now! Maybe thirty seconds!” Breaker said, twirling like a maniac, still totally naked and soaked in blood. BoM had been around long enough not to ask why Breaker had been inside a girl.

Thirty seconds.

“Any of you wanna know what’s going on, bring it in,” Barrel of Monkeys said, motioning for them to step closer.

His mod-podge crew clustered around him.

“Here, hold this and it’ll tell you what’s going on. Once it’s done, pass it to the next guy.” BoM said, offering them the tommy gun as he kept an eye on the dance battle.

“Are you sure-“

“What is it going to-“

“We really don’t have time for this,” BoM said, shoving the gun into the hands of the most unflappable member of their party: Sancho.

Sancho’s eyes widened momentarily, before returning to their usual half-lidded state.

“Sancho desires revenge.”

He passed it over to Bikini Gunslinger.

“I miss my magic hat,” She said with a scowl, handing it over to Jetset.

Jetset retched violently, offering the gun wordlessly to Brett. “Ugh, that’s a trip.”

Brett stared at the tommy gun.

“Ten seconds. Do you want to know what’s going on or do you want to leave?”

“A-alright,” the sixteen year-old kid, said, taking the gun.

The blood drained from his face. “I’m not supposed to be in here.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“I didn’t go in with Paradox and the rest of the crazies, I stayed on the train…the sphere must’ve expanded.”

“Gun,” BoM said, holding out his hand as he watched Breaker begin to slow down. The breakdancer was wincing in pain as he went through his routine. “What’s your power, kid?”

“Drainer,” Brett said, passing him the gun.

BoM scowled as he leveled it on Gerome, waiting for the instant the music stopped and the self-proclaimed ‘god’ became attackable again.

Drainers most often burned out in a matter of days in a burst of insanity.

“You think I should try to drain him?” Brett asked, leaning forward.

“Hell NO.” BoM said. “listen kid, If you drain that thing, the best thing that could happen is that you explode. More likely you’ll go gibbering insane, mad with power and get put down, or kill everyone here.”

“Oh.”

“What I want you to do is seek cover.” BoM said, shouldering his gun. “Things are about to get a bit…hairy.”

“O-okay!”

“Sancho was made for women and children to cower behind,” Sancho said, tugging Brett behind him.

Bikini Gunslinger shrugged and crouched behind Sancho.

“Crap, crap, crap, crap.” Jetset flew straight into the air, much more comfortable with speed and distance on his side.

Boom Boom TSHHHH…..

The music faded away on a cymbal, as Breaker collapsed to the ground, panting. Paradox grabbed the naked dancer under the armpits and dove both of them into the trough Paradox had been standing in front of when they first arrived.

Heather still looked like she wanted to kill Paradox, but luckily Gerome hadn’t erased Natalie from her mind, and the tiny girl physically dragged her behind a tree.

“That was some annoying magic,” Gerome said, straightening and cracking his neck.

BoM clamped down on the trigger.

Bullets boomed out of the glowing tommy gun, each individual explosion so close together that the sound blended into a single battering sensation against his ears.

Gerome’s body was riddled with bullets in a fraction of a second. Each time one hit, the gun hummed with more powerful energy, and a blast of cleansing energy washed over them.

In the corner of his eye, Barrel of Monkeys could see Franklin City emerge from underneath the forest, each concussive blast of the gun scouring away a bit more of the illusion.

After he’d shot about half the magazine, BoM stopped. Gerome was dead, and he typically took about three seconds to come back.

He popped the drum off and checked the ammo. Still full.

Oh, I think I could get used to this, BoM thought, slapping the drum magazine back in place.

Gerome reappeared, eyes wide, finger extended.

“Ow.”

“You got two choices,” BoM said. “Put everything back the way you found it, or we smear you over and over until everything’s back.”

Gerome ignored BoM completely, glancing over at Jocelyn beside him.

“What is this sensation?” he asked. “This burning sensation in my stomach?”

“That’s losing,” Clank said. “You’re being a loser right now.”

Jocelyn stifled a snicker.

“Well, I hate it!”

“If you think-“ Gerome began speaking, raising his hand ominously.  Reggie didn’t have the luxury of letting the godling do whatever he wanted, so the monkeys that had been slowly surrounding him unleashed a whirlwhind of magical bullets.

They weren’t the greatest shots, but there were fifty or so of them, each holding a fully automatic.

Gerome was shredded like cheese.

A few bullets pinged off of Sancho next to him, silently bearing witness to the whole ordeal, while Jocelyn hid behind BoM. Clank seemed to be immune, and Mars had simply sunk down to the floor.

The monkeys were incapable of shooting BoM, even by accident, although he did occasionally get holes in his pantlegs and hat.

As Gerome’s corpse collapsed to the ground, the world itself seemed to shake and tilt on it’s axis, as if it were hanging by a thread.

BoM staggered in place as his inner ear lied to him.

Because each of the monkeys was bearing a duplicate of the weird tommy gun Paradox had given him, the surrounding area, in roughly the size of a football field, had been returned to Franklin City. It was a start, but it sure as hell wasn’t enough.

“Can your monkeys keep going if you lose the gun!?” Paradox asked, flying by after jumping back into his armor during Gerome’s regeneration cycle.

“Yeah, why?”

“I got some people I need to fix!” Paradox pointed at the sky, where three figures were standing in the sky, looking down at the chaotic melee with indifference.

BoM tossed Paradox the gun, which reverted to a cavalry saber in his hand.

“The more the merrier!”

“Thanks!” Paradox shouted and blasted away, rising into the sky.

***Marigold Zauberer***

“The world is hanging on by a thread,” Marigold said with a scowl. She could see the frayed edges of reality beginning to give way to the ugly stone buildings.

Of course, reality included herself, and she could tell some of the threads were beginning to unravel inside her.

“The question is, which side should we help?” Her daughter asked while that reprobate pawed at her. Marigold’s eye twitched. Just because he’d successfully become a powerful spellcaster did not make him worthy of her daughter. He was a low class rube born to a potato farmer.

Sure, he was a charming potato farmer, but nonetheless…

Darryl couldn’t even provide an heir, given his boney condition.

“I’ll help you out any time, babe.”

“Darryl!” Claudette squeaked and slapped the peasant’s boney hand away from her bottom.

Marigold rubbed her temples in frustration at her daughter and son-in-law’s antics. Helping either side was a valid choice, as both realities actually existed. It wasn’t an illusion, but a contest of realities. Which reality would most benefit the House of Zauberer?

The decision was made for her as one of the combatants flew into the air, not an ounce of magic radiating from him as he flew, defying the laws of magic, although she could feel raw power, a well of Attunement so deep that she, Marigold Zauberer, greatest mage in the world, couldn’t see the bottom.

Interesting.

“Mom, Dad, Gramma!” The figure shouted, flipping up his helmet to reveal a face that reminded Marigold of paintings of her father.

“Take this!” he said, holding out the blade, hilt first.

Grandmother, is it?

Marigold felt a manic smile begin to take over her face and quickly schooled it back to neutrality.

“D-Dad?” Darryl asked, his teeth chattering, gemstone eyes glancing around nervously.

“Mom?” Claudette asked hopefully.

“Are you from that reality, young man?” Marigold asked, pointing at the ugly stone scenery spreading through the land, killing the life and beauty of the forest.

But who gives a shit about life and beauty!? I have a grandson!

“Yeah, if you take this it’ll undo Gerome’s control.”

“Say no more,” Marigold said, extending her hand.

***Paradox***

The saber shifted in Gramma’s hand into a magnificent scepter.

A moment later, an ominous chuckle began to well up inside the withered crone.

Oh, crap. I gave it to the wrong person first. It sort of slipped Perry’s mind that Gramma was low-key evil. Because it was his Gramma.

“Think you could hand it over to mom and dad now?” Perry asked.

“No need.”

She tapped the scepter with her fingers with a contemplative frown.

“See, the game you’re playing is impossible to win, because Resistance was made inside Gerome’s reality. It can resist him, because it’s a piece of him, piggybacking a tiny bit of his power, but it cannot beat him, because you couldn’t convince Gerome to kill himself. Also, because you’re destroying Gerome’s reality, Resistance is dying as well, see?”

She pointed to a spot of the scepter that Perry hadn’t noticed that seemed to be eroded, growing at the same rate as the patch of Franklin City.

“Oh.” Perry said, his heart sinking.

“Now, as Resistance weakens, Gerome will regain control of the surroundings, and banish Resistance to some forgotten corner of his domain. His domain repaired, Resistance will regain its power, and the cycle will begin again.

She then narrowed her eyes and peered at Perry.

“How many times has this battle taken place?”

“Just this time. Why?”

“Never assume you know the whole truth when dealing with a god.” She hefted Resistance.

“Now let’s use this piece of him to pop his bubble. I hope you didn’t grow too attached to it.”

“Wh-“

Gramma lifted Resistance skyward.

Perry’s physical ears and his Attunement popped as the physical and spiritual pressure shifted drastically. Resistance vanished, leaving behind a light-warping invisible chunk of something that flew straight up and pierced the sky.

The sky wobbled for a moment before popping like a bubble, revealing the actual round sun, and clear blue skies.

The familiar concrete sprawl of Franklin City stretched out in every direction.

“He’s still here, and could start things over again if he were so inclined,” Gramma said, pointing. “You might want to go convince him otherwise.”

“Mom, did you have to be so rough?” Mom asked, clutching her forehead.

“You’re back to yourself, aren’t you?” Gramma asked, scowling past Mom at Dad, who was now in his Mechanaut suit.

Perry didn’t hang around any longer, turning his jets on and flying down to where half the supers in the city were standing around Gerome, along with no less than fifty monkeys who were rapidly disintegrating, the weapon they were based on no longer in existence.

Disguise.EXE

Perry’s skin rippled under his armor as Wayward’s defensive disguise changed him into a copy of himself, giving him effectively one extra HP.

The god was curled up in the fetal position, staring into the distance, Jocelyn was patting him on the back and murmuring ‘there, there’, while Clank watched with amusement, Mars with slight confusion.

“Is this part of D&D too?” The tentacle swarm whispered.

“Nah. He’s just dealing with some backlash from having his reality popped.” Clank replied. “Come on, let’s go have some fun while we have time.” He walked straight over to Bikini Gunslinger and leaned against a nearby wall, exposed eight-pack rippling.

“Hey babe, have you ever had an orgasm that transcends space and time? Also I gave myself the ability to play guitar.” A guitar appeared in the 4th dimensional being’s hand and he began playing beautifully.

Perry ignored the scene, and landed beside Gerome.

“How you doing?” he asked the curled-up figure.

“I feel like someone punched my soul in the dick.” Gerome whispered.

“That’s not inaccurate, but it’s more like the old lady you made into the secret last boss used magical jiujitsu to make you punch yourself in the dick.” Jocelyn said helpfully.

“Just wondering, are you planning on doing this again?” Perry asked, motioning to the surroundings.

“What did I do wrong?” Gerome whimpered. “I manipulated them perfectly.”

“That was some amateur-level manipulation.” Jocelyn said. “Real manipulation requires dedication and effort. For example:”

She turned to Reggie and kissed him on the forehead. “TTYL Veg-head.”

Reggie went white as a sheet.

“Teresa?”

“See, by setting aside all my memories, reincarnating as a human and spending seventeen years as a human, I was able to become Reggie’s first girlfriend!”

“So that’s what you were doing thirty years ago,” Mars said, stuffing his tentacle face with a slice of pizza from the nearby deli. “I was wondering why you recognized me.”

“Yeah, I was curious why I saw myself there last time I passed through as well, but I just went and did it now. Took seventeen years but it was fun, for the most part.”

Reggie’s jaw hung loose.

Perry whetted his lips. He was never going to be in the same ballpark as these people, power-wise. They were talking about time travel, reincarnation, and spending decades of time like going to the grocery store to pick up milk.

“So, umm…how are you feeling now?”

“I wanna go home,” Gerome whimpered.

“Can you stand?”

“Oh, he’ll be fine,” Jocelyn said, “Mars and I will carry him home.”

Jocelyn and Mars leaned down and touched Gerome’s shoulders.

Gerome went cross-eyed for a moment, before he blinked and rubbed his temple, his expression changing entirely.

“What’s going on here?” Gerome asked, climbing to his feet. “I was just chasing a company of skeletons in pursuit of an ancient artifact. Is this an illusion?”

He reached for his sword and brandished it at the surrounding tensed-up supers. “Now, it’s against my code to attack unprovoked, but if you assault me, I have my god’s blessing to defend myself.”

“Is it okay if we leave our character sheets with you guys for a while?” Jocelyn asked.

“Umm…okay,” Perry said, struggling to process. Gerome…was not the body he presented. That much should be obvious, but the idea that the body possessed its own will and abilities without his presence was a surprise.

“Hey guys, I just wanna thank you humans for hosting D&D.” Mars said, wiping pizza grease off his tentacle hands and reaching into a pocket inside his cloak, pulling out a crystal sphere the size of a palm before handing it to Perry. “I had a lot of fun. Let'sdoitagainsometime BYEEE!”

Mars stiffened for a moment, before glancing around. “Did we get teleported? What’s with this stone…city?”

“Mars, over here!” Gerome waved to him, a moment later, the two were back to back, eyeballing the stunned onlookers.

“Man, I wanted to seduce at least one bar-wench,” Clank sighed. “I even got used to skin. Ah well, next time.”

Clank’s gaze went vacant for a moment, before he frowned, glanced around and locked onto Bikini Gunslinger, who was watching him with a scowl.

“Excuse me, miss, I’m not sure how I got here, and I was wondering if you could fill me in?” He asked sheepishly.

“His character is better than he is,” Jocelyn scoffed as Bikini Gunslinger’s expression softened.

“Um, are you actually Teresa?” Barrel of Monkeys asked, stepping forward.

“And a lot more, babe,” Jocelyn said with a wave and a smile. “Later!”

Jocelyn’s gaze went vacant for a moment, before she frowned in confusion and joined the rest of her party, watching the surrounding heroes suspiciously.

“So they all just left?” Heather asked.

“I think so? Perry said.

“And those are their…”

“Character sheets?” Nat said.

“Meat suits…I guess?” Perry added.

“This is making my head hurt.” Heather muttered.

“So um…” Perry asked, stepping closer to BoM. “Who’s Teresa?”

“My high-school girlfriend,” BoM said, trying to light his cigar with a shaking hand. “I killed her drunk driving. It’s when I got my Trigger.”

Giving up on the cigar, he reached into his wallet and pulled out a faded photo of a plump young woman with an infectious smile.

“Well, not everyone can say they dated a 4th dimensional being and survived.” Perry said with a shrug.

“Hah,” BoM chuckled humorlessly.

“Reginald!” Jocelyn’s ‘character’ shouted, waving him over. BoM jumped in place before rushing over with a frankly amusing amount of haste.

“Yes?”

“Do you have any idea what happened to us?” ‘Jocelyn’ asked. “You seem to be at ease with these strange people.” She took in his modern clothing with a raised brow.

Perry watched with amusement as Barrel of Monkeys wiped nervous sweat off his palms and gave a stammering explanation to a woman he was obviously smitten with, a ‘character sheet’ of a creature that used to be his girlfriend, who he felt a huge amount of guilt for killing.

Man, I don’t envy him, unpacking that baggage. Perry thought with a chuckle.

A hand landed on Perry’s shoulder.

It was Solaris.

“Debrief. Now.”