Chapter 75: Battle Etiquette (Patreon)

“WAIT!” Perry shouted, holding out his hand. To his surprise and that of everyone else in the plaza, the rider did.

“This umm, this is Earth. You can’t just attack someone out of the blue. You have to have a monologue about why you’re doing it first.”

“It’s tradition,” Heather said, picking up the slack while Natalie fished around in her purse.

“I’ve been on Earth for three decades and haven’t heard of anything like that.” the rider said.

“You haven’t watched the news?”

The rider hesitated, glancing to the side as he undoubtedly mentally reviewed tons of news clips of villains monologuing.

“My name is John Gabras, prince of the Nocul. Your grandmother led the push to abandon Manita, took our people’s power to fuel her escape, and did not create a portal in our capital as per the agreement, leaving my people to collapse and die from the unending assault of monstrous wildlife…There. You’re all caught up.”

“Wow, that sounds like Gramma all right.”

The monologue was barely long enough for Perry to come up with something.

RRRRR

John’s motorcycle revved and lunged forward, squealing against the smooth plaza floor.

Perry reached out and grabbed a can of hairspray and an electric lighter straight out of the ether.

Sliding Stats.

Stability 9 -> 5

Nerve 7 à 3

Attunement 22 -> 30

FWOOOSH.

A blast of flame shot out of the can like a living thing, slamming into the rider’s chest and knocking him off his horse-cycle.

The recoil alone nearly kicked the can of hairspray out of Perry’s hand.

Perry reflexively adjusted his Attunement back down to 22 as he glanced around the room, spotting no less than a dozen riders approaching them from all sides, their sabers glinting in the fluorescent lights.

“Bathroom?” Perry asked, nodding toward the door leading off to the side.

“There’s worse places to get trapped, I guess,” Heather said, picking up Nat and running as the tiny tinker pulled on a pair of suspicious gloves that went up to her shoulders.

“Wazzat?” Perry asked over the roaring of motors as they sprinted.

“Insurance! I hate being a damsel!”

Yeah, that would bother me too, Perry thought as they made it to the tiled doorway with a stick figure woman over it.

Sliding Stats

Stability 9->5

Body 5->9

Perry slid to a halt outside the bathroom and braced himself.

Perry caught a wild sword swing with his left hand and shoved the grunt off his motorcycle with the other, yanking the saber straight out of his grip by the blade.

HP:5

The smoking leader climbed to his feet, and Perry gave him a flourishing Manitian bow.

Sliding stats.

Perry pulled his attunement back up to unhealthy levels and smashed the back of the saber against the wall, denting it.

As if it had always been there, a sheathe of rust fell away from the blade, revealing a shining sliver of immaculate steel a hair’s breadth wide and sharper than a razor.

John cocked a brow as his horsecycle stood itself back up, then launched a lance of green fire from his fingertips, forcing Perry to haul ass into the women’s restroom, his neck stinging from the near-miss.

“I got a sword!” Perry said, brandishing his new saber.

“That’s nice, sweety,” Heather said from where she was climbing on top of a toilet in the middle of the bathroom stall oddly missing a door.

“I’m ready,” The walking pile of scrap metal in the middle of the room said.

Perry frowned and glanced around the ovoid ball of compacted bathroom doors, hinges, and faucets.

Natalie was in the center, with a compacted shield of scrap iron hovering above one glove, while a massive sword hovered beside her right hand, duplicating her movements.

“Neat,” Perry said, pulling out a spray can of lubricant and frosting the hallway behind them before tossing the can aside.

“What’s up with the spray cans?” Heather asked.

“New power. I can summon spray cans!”

“That’s dumb.” Heather said.

A leather-clad Nocul entered the room, both feet slipping out from under him, planking in the air for a fraction of a second before his skull hit the floor, knocking him senseless. This was repeated twice more as they attempted to storm their way in.

Perry wordlessly motioned to the pile of thrashing enemies in the middle of Perry’s grease-trap.

“Alright, it’s okay. I’ll allow it on the condition of a lifetime supply of detangler.” Heather said, turning her hand into a spike and shoving it up into the ceiling, then widening it. “God I hope I don’t hit a septic pipe,”

“Or electrical,” Nat chimed in.

“Yeah, that too,” Heather said sticking her head into the hole she’d made in the ceiling.

“Okay, avert your eyes,” Heather said, pulling her hyperweave out of her purse.

Perry and Nat focused on the bathroom entrance while Heather changed into her super suit. Nat shoved the pile of bodies back, jabbing at the riders as they tried to push into the room.

The walls of the hall leading to the outside began to roll away, curling and flaking away like they were on fire.

Perry’s grease burst into flame and receded away from John’s feet as he entered. Nat shoved forward with the makeshift shield and oversized sword that she swung around without heeding their weight.

Perry was under the impression that it had something to do with Nat’s new specialty regarding solid magnetism.

The rough sword poked forward and John caught it in his palm.

“Another fool loses their arm through ignorance,” He said, and a moment later, Nat’s makeshift sword made of compressed trash disintegrated, from the tip to the handle, ending where it was connected to Nat’s glove via magnetism.

Corrosive Touch: (Adept Difficulty)

Ingredients: Powdered tooth of lesser corruption demon, Mogwin incense. Tar-Frog skin.

Make a pair of gloves out of the tar-skin, don them. While wearing the gloves, Inhale incense and hold the smoke in the lungs while applying corruption demon bone powder in a fine dusting on the gloves.

If you exhale before the spell has set, or get any corruption demon bone on your skin, you WILL lose the arm.

The effects mirror Gol’s Disintegrate, albeit touch only and much more limited in scale.

“…That usually works,” John said, glancing curiously at Nat. “were you not actually touching it?”

Nat held up the shield of compressed-together bathroom stall doors, and made a shooing motion with her other hand.

The heavy lump of twisted steel launched itself forward, catching John in the face and carrying him back out into the plaza.

“Alright,” Heather said a heart-pounding moment later, her stealth suit blending her in with the surroundings, “I made a hole up to the second story bathroom.”

Nat and Perry broke for the hole.

Heather went through first, then extended a hand down for Nat, reeling her through the hole in an instant.

Perry, however, was a bit too wide, his shoulders refusing to collapse small enough to allow him to squeeze through.

“You couldn’t have made it any bigger?” Perry demanded, lowering himself back to the floor and glaring up at Heather accusingly.

“If my butt can fit, your shoulders can fit,” Heather shot back.

“You shapeshifted!” Perry said accusingly, glancing to the side where John was crawling out from under the wreckage, seemingly none the worse for wear.

“Oh yeah. Hold on I’ll-“

“I got it, stand back,” Perry said, brandishing his new saber.

With a grunt, Perry shoved the saber through the ceiling and carved the hole wider like the ceiling was made of some kind of soft cheese, widening the hole in seconds, tugging the chunks of concrete and tile out of the way before crawling through himself.

Perry pulled insulation foam out of the ether and filled the hole with a quick spiral of the rapidly hardening substance.

Shortly after, he heard thuds transferring through the foam as their pursuers tried to hack their way through.

“I was under the impression that going after someone to get back at their family wasn’t kosher!” Heather said as they jogged for the exit.

“I think this is technically a blood feud, which follows different rules,” Perry said as they arrived on the second story balcony above the plaza.

Perry’s saber throbbed in his hand for a moment while Natalie re-armed herself behind them, tearing the doors off the bathroom stalls with those neat magnetic gloves of hers.

“So what are we dealing with?” Heather said watching as the nocul ran back out of the bathroom, their gaze darting up to the second story, landing on them.

John watched them silently from the center of the plaza as his minions darted for their motorcycles. Like the hunter whose dogs would tire his prey.

Nocul, nocul,Perry searched his memories of Manitian history books and journals.

“Ah,” Perry snapped his fingers. “They’re nonhumans who worship Gintax, a few of them have got some inborn essences, allowing them to do magic from birth. They live hundreds of years longer than we do, and they seem to like motorcycles.”

“That’s it?” Heather said, meeting his gaze.

These savages strip their prey’s skin from its bones while it’s still alive, prolonging the suffering as best they can. They offer the blood and bones to their dark god while basking in the extra life that he confers upon them.

Perry shrugged. “The only stuff that’s useful. The rest of the information is pretty suspect given that the authors were human.”

“Why is every non-human race stronger, or more magical, or live longer than us?” Heather demanded.

“Oh, there are plenty of species who are dumber, weaker and even more mundane. They never make headlines.”

“That’s fair.”

“Excuse me,” Nat said, nudging the two aside with the massive chunks of scrap metal floating above her arm.

Stainless steel bathroom partition: $100-200 apiece.

“We’re gonna catch some shit for this,” Perry muttered, wondering what Franklin city’s typical payment plan for infrastructure damage was. The bathroom stalls were most likely going to be the tip of the iceberg.

“Did you have some suits nearby?” Heather asked as the nocul jumped on their motorcycles and started aiming for the escalators to the second floor.

“Given how often we get attacked? Yeah, I’ve had three mark threes following us. I’m just waiting for their boss to be alone.”

Which seems to be happening soon, Perry thought as their leader waited, casually picking up his horse-cycle and leaning on it while the others charged the escalators.

There was a shimmering green light as the rider hit the escalators, as the motorcycles morphed seamlessly into skeletal horses whose bones were made of chrome.

Totem Steed (Intermediate difficulty)

Ingredients: The spirit of a mount friendly to the caster, a vehicle such as a wagon or ship, Vivant root, Areonite.

Prime the areonite with vivant root by adding powdered root to molten areonite in a 1:20 ratio by mass (root to metal).

Replace a majority of any metallic part of the vehicle to be modified with the primed areonite. (nails, hinges, braces, etc.)

Use Pecholard’s Spirit Communion to request the steed enter the vehicle. If successful you may then pour the spirit unto the vehicle and it will house the spirit. A successful Totem steed will move by itself, possibly moving against the wind, and may even be able to change shape based on the quality of the spellwork.

“That’s pretty much the most metal thing I’ve ever seen,” Perry muttered to himself as the metal horse skeletons lunged up the escalators on either side of their group, carrying their whooping riders into a pincer attack.

“I’ll get this side,” Perry said, tapping Nat’s shoulders and pointing at the riders taking the escalator to the right.

Natalie nodded, turned left, and made a circle with her thumb and forefinger.

The metal doors floating beside her were compressed into cannonballs.

She held her left arm up across her chest, and the cannonballs floated in front of her. Nat frowned in concentration for a moment, tensing her middle finger behind her thumb.

Flick.

With a single flick, one of the makeshift cannonballs flew out and caught one of the horse-cycles in the butt, causing the rider to spin and fall off the escalator into the fake shrubbery beneath it.

I need to take care of my own side, Perry thought, turning his attention to the half a dozen riders mounting the escalators to the right.

Given the sheer number of times they’d been attacked while unarmed and minding their own business, he’d become a bit…Perry-noid. Walking around with suits ready to fight constantly reminds me of my dad. What’s next, full-size decoys?

At his mental command, three of his Mk. 3 suits swooped down through the open ceiling of the plaza and tackled the leading riders off their mounts.

The hits were fast and violent, but they weren’t as bad as they looked: The suits didn’t even weigh as much as a full-grown man.

In a matter of seconds, their counter-attack had all the riders groaning on the floor of the plaza, leaving their leader less than pleased. The nocul’s mouth drew a thin line and his forehead throbbed with repressed anger.

Perry sent two Mk.3’s after John while he directed the last one over to himself, the suit unfolding to allow him to step inside.

Perry didn’t want them to get close, but they were only armed with nonlethal ammunition. Dazzlers and Noob-hunters and the like. Perry didn’t think bringing the disintegrator out into the city on his shopping trip would be a good look for him.

Here’s hoping.Perry thought as he triggered their nonlethals.

Weallfloatdownhere.EXE

“Oh my god you guys!” a recording of Perry’s voice emerged from the left-most suit as it approached John. “I think I’m having a baby!”

Some of the Nocul were caught by trap, the battered riders floating off the ground, but John shielded his eyes, seemingly warned in advance.

The second Mk.3 shot a noob-hunter at the man while his eyes were closed, but the dart was pushed away by an invisible force, embedding itself in the floor.

Damn. This is going to be a problem.

Perry didn’t want to get himself or his Mk.3’s disintegrated, but it seemed like things were going to have to get up close and personal to do any real damage.

We could always run away… Perry thought, glancing at the open ceiling of the plaza. Perry wasn’t above running away multiple times if it had a positive effect on his lifespan.

John must have caught Perry’s chin tilt up as he looked at the ceiling, because the nocul raised his hand above his head and a web that seemed to be made of living tar flung itself above his head and covered the open air with shiny black threads.

Threads of Gintax: (intermediate difficulty)

Ingredients:A Malturian web-spitter, tar from the Tolusian pits. (note: not any tar will do. There is a unique death essence contained in the tolusian pits.) Powdered Death Crystal

Mix the powdered death crystal with the tar at a 1:40 ratio, powder to tar, by mass. Mix until you are certain that the mixture is completely homogenous. Do not get any on your skin or clothes, as it may drain several years from your life without noticing.

Once the mixture is done, simply drop a living web-spitter into the tar. The tar will bind to the creature, and when it dies, it will form a hard nodule in the primed tar.

Retrieve the nodule and carefully rinse away the clinging tar with blessed alcohol. The nodule, when thrown with force, will erupt into shiny black webs.

The webs themselves drain life at a prodigious rate. Combined with their ability to cling and restrain, constantly weakening their prey, they are quite dangerous.

It would be a monumentally bad idea to touch those.

“That’s some bullshit magic right there,” Heather growled to herself. “Can you guys distract him enough to forget I exist?”

“Pretty sure I’ve got his attention,” Perry said.

“Good.” Heather pulled her hood down and mask up, her entire body blending into the surroundings.

Perry and his two floating suits went behind a blind corner to play the shell game before they emerged and began ripping out nonvital chunks of the architecture and throwing them at the nocul prince.

Natalie, meanwhile prowled the upper floors, tearing anything metal off its mount and lobbing it at any of the nocul who tried to get back up. Railings, water fountains, decorative sheeting and studs. It was all fair game.

Est. cost. 15k

Two can play at the attrition game. Perry thought to himself as the mage deflected a chunk of the marble fountain.

Est. cost. 20k

A lance of fire struck one of his suits and bored a hole clean through it, causing the aluminum machine to tumble lifeless to the ground.

Flame Lance: (neophyte difficulty)

Ingredients: Flame beetle probuscus, powdered air elemental droppings, dried Kathya leaf.

Powder leaf and droppings together, in an even mixture. Load into flame beetle probuscis.

To use, blow air through the probuscis towards your intended target. The air elemental dung will multiply the air inside the tube, creating a rushing torrent of wind. The probuscis will light the Kathya leaf, which will burn white hot while stoked by the air elemental dung.

Do not inhale.

Perry’s note: John Gabras seems to add the aspect of Gintax to the spell, given its vibrant green coloration.

Well. That’s not encouraging.

Perry couldn’t take it easy on the guy, that risked Heather getting caught and snuffed out, so he mentally crossed his fingers, prayed his HP could withstand magical damage, and redoubled his efforts, burying the guy under a mountain of concrete chunks and rebar.

Est. cost. 500K

Dear Lord, I hope I’m not held liable for this.

Perry landed beside their shopping cart and kicked it aside, toward the relative safety of a sheltered section of the plaza, aiming to lob another chunk of concrete at John’s head.

A blast of fire caught Perry in the chest, and propelled him backwards, into a decorative mural beside one of the elevators.

Est. cost. ‘???’ I didn’t like it anyway.

HP 3:

Perry’s chest armor had a hole the size of Rhode Island in the front and he tugged himself out of the wall before a follow up spell blasted into the former art piece.

Perry fell down and shattered the bench beneath it before rolling out of the way of another attack.

2 HP per shot. That’s a lot of power, but still not quite as bad as Mass Driver.

“Hold still you coward!” the nocul prince snarled, his amazingly well-groomed hair flowing in an invisible breeze as he attempted to end Perry’s life.

“Easy there,” Heather said, her arm transformed in to a massive blade underneath the nocul’s chin.

“You think you can cast a spell faster than I can cut your throat?” She asked, securing a bladed chokehold on their aggressor, her arms and legs twisting around his.

Damn, Heather!Perry thought, finally coming to a panting halt. Maybe the redhead wanted some answers, which was why she threatened him with great violence rather than just bashing him in the back of the head with a rock.

John Gabras froze, glancing back at Heather, then forward at Perry.

“Yes.”

John’s hand clenched and sliced his palm with his own fingernails, before flinging his bleeding palm outward.

“What the-“

The nocul mummified in Heather’s grasp, his skin wrinkling, lips receding from his teeth in a macabre display that elicited a yelp of surprise and disgust from the redheaded shapeshifter.

In the blink of an eye, the nocul’s body turned to dust as the furthest drop of blood on the floor swelled and grew into John Gabras, some fifteen feet distant.

Thankfully the magic included clothes.

???: (??? Difficulty)

Ingredients: ???

The user teleports to the location of the blood spatter of their choice. Range: ??? limitations:???

The nocul gave an extravagant bow, mocking Perry’s earlier snark.

“That’s some bullshit magic right there.” Perry muttered to himself.