Chapter 70: Walkabout (Patreon)

“Here’s where your team will be staying,” Their guide said, motioning to the heavy oak door.

“Uh,” Perry grunted, dragging his feet into the room. He was too tired to appreaciate how stunningly well-appointed it was, with gold trim and leather upholstery. He was too tired. Sixteen hours of battling giant silver aquatic caterpillars on next to no sleep will do that to you.

“Each of your beds is in one of those rooms,” The guide said, pointing to three opened doors with massive king-sized beds on them.

“We weren’t sure if you three were…together, so we arranged for separate rooms, but you’re free to sleep however you like. The beds are big enough.”

“Ugh,” Natalie grunted, shrugging her toolbox off her shoulder and climbing into one of the beds, face-down. You could probably fit six of her on there.

“Over there is a kitchen and a fully stocked refrigerator. There’s even eggs and bacon.”

Eggs and bacon was a luxury item given the odds of a chicken or pig Triggering and becoming the hyperintelligent overlord of the farm, waging a protracted war against the humans that oppressed them.

That had only happened a handful of times, but it caused no end of trouble to the meat and dairy industry.

Piggles the Hog was still at large and there was a $18000 dollar per pound bounty on him.

Not that Perry was going to cash in on it, Piggles was based on the west side of the continent. He was just surprised at the presence of bacon.

“Dibs,” Perry and Heather groaned, wrestling each other out of the way as they stumbled towards the kitchen. Things quickly became violent, and Heather prevailed by wrapping around Perry’s neck and hands while simultaneously reaching out and opening the refrigerator, grabbing the eggs and a frying pan before Perry channeled every fiber of muscle he could and struggled to his feet, wrenching Heather away from the frying pan.

Heather chuckled as he tried to toss her off, but simply stretched where he pushed, keeping the rest of her body wrapped around him while she adjusted and started up the gas stove.

“The umm…bathrooms are over there,” The guide said. “Would you like another package of eggs and bacon?”

Perry and Heather glanced over at the guide. The man seemed nervous at the sight of Heather zip-tying Perry’s hands behind his back with her malleable body.

The supermodel’s body language was nervous, but he had his hand buried in his pocket. Interesting.

“Is that an option?” Perry asked.

“Of course. There’s nothing too good for the heroes of Washington city. I’ll inform your agent that you don’t like…sharing.”

“Thanks!” Perry said moments before the man hustled out the door like he was being chased.

“Something’s off.” Heather said, unwrapping from Perry and grabbing the eggs, splitting her hand into twenty-four fingers and cracking all the eggs simultaneously, dumping them into the pan and beginning to scramble them.

“Damnit, I don’t like scrambled!” Perry said, grabbing the salt and pepper from the shelves above the stove before snagging the cheese and chives, chopping them up fine to add to the dense dinner.

“Don’t be so slow next time,” Heather said, accepting the chopped up ingredients and folding them into the mixture. “Make some toast.”

“So did you notice his hand in his pocket?” Perry asked as they cooked.

Heather shook her head. “I was talking about how they were trying to recruit us away from Franklin city with the food, living conditions, and hotties.”

“Yeah, I noticed that too,” Perry said, loading up a piece of toast with eggs and bacon. “I mean, unless this is the standard of living for everyone here, but I doubt it.”

“The hotties could also be a side-effect of widespread designer-babies.” Heather said, pointing a spatula at him.

Perry frowned.

“Bio-Master lives here. Since the mid-nineties”

“The food!” Perry said.

“The food.” Heather said nodding. Bio-Master was the tinker you would want to oversee the creation of new species of fruits and vegetables that could withstand the pressure of modern life, and drop itself into automated carts on command.

Perry thought about it for a moment. “You know, that could account for a low rate of Triggering. If these actually are designer babies, a single unanticipated flaw in their design could diminish the average rate of Triggering across the board for an entire generation and leave the city understaffed. Say if they were designed to be spectacularly mentally stable, they don’t get stressed enough to trigger.”

“Guy looked stressed enough to me,” Heather said, taking a bite of her S.O.S.

“You notice all the native capes on the wall were normal-looking?” Perry asked, reviewing his memories. “You’re actually the most attractive cape in the city.”

“Shut up, you uggo, I know it.” Heather said around a mouthful of eggs.

“You know…That would cause a problem if suddenly only the poor kids were the ones Triggering-”

“Your bourgeoise is showing.” Heather said.

“because they were the ones who couldn’t afford designer babies, and this new generation of supers decided they don’t like the way things are being run.” Perry continued, ignoring her.

“So, you think we stepped into the middle of a period of social upheaval, and the ruling class is bribing us to stay here and keep them in power?” Heather asked.

“Dude, I’ve only been off the wall here for about half an hour.” Perry said. “I can’t decode a city’s politics at a glance.”

“Idunno man, you’re sharper than you used to be. And you used to be pretty sharp.” Heather said.

“Shut up, you dummy. I know it.” Perry said.

“So why did you mention his pocket?” Heather asked, opening up drawers until she found a sharpie and some card-stock.

“I think he had some kind of emergency measure meant to keep us under control should we become unruly,” Perry said as he carefully arranged the remaining eggs and bacon into a neat pile on a plate.

“Wall-zappers or something?” Heather asked, glancing around the room between writing on the card-stock.

“Or something,” Perry said, wrapping the plate in cellophane.

Perry held out his hand and Heather dropped the card in it.

Hey Hardcase, I hope you like your eggs scrambled…Paradox and I aren’t too tired, so we’re going to go sticking our noses where they don’t belong, because we’re bored. The walls may have surveillance and control mechanisms. Disable them at your leisure. If we don’t come back by tomorrow morning, you can assume we’re in deep shit.

-♡W&P

Perry carefully set the card in the middle of the plate and put the entire thing in the fridge.

Perry and Heather were physically beyond human standard, and so they could shrug off sixteen hours without too much difficulty, but Natalie was baseline human, and not only that, her brain was firing on all cylinders, which was probably stealing even more energy from her body.

The tiny tinker needed her sleep.

“Where do you wanna go first?” Heather asked.

Perry shrugged. “Funkytown? I wanted to see if there was anything Franklin city doesn’t have while I was here, and we can ask around for your dad while we’re there.”

“Good a place as any,” Heather said, snagging Anya as they walked out the door, folding the heavy iron club into her arm.

***

“So You guys found a way to breed Manitian earth-worms in captivity?” Perry asked, leaning up against sunbleached brick wall as he chatted with the Orglaf, a three-foot tall hole-dwelling creature that looked something like a humanoid naked mole rat.

“Indeed, the natural essences on Earth are generally too faint to raise them, however, some of the most isolated forests on the continent are able to grow worms approximately six inches long.”

“I’m told they grew twelve feet long and used to eat people.” Perry said, arms crossed.

“I see you’re quite well-educated, human,” the Orglaf delicately wiped away the mucus streaming from its face. It was meant for burrowing, but aboveground it was just gross.

“My family’s from Manita,” Perry said with a shrug.

“I haven’t seen you around Washington,” The orglaf salesman standing in front of the tank full of worms said with a frown.

“We live in Franklin city.”

“Ah! Welcome to the bounteous Washington city, brother, I tell you what, have an extra worm for each five you buy.”

“How much for the whole tank?” Perry asked.

“Umm….” The orglaf looked hesitant, glancing back and forth between Perry and the tank of wriggling worms on display.

“What do you want an entire tank full of worms for!?” Heather whispered harshly into his ear.

“They’re a key ingredient in earth-controlling spells,” Perry said. “But that was when they were twelve feet long. These probably don’t have much essence, so I’m gonna need a lot to compensate. And I hear they taste great.”

“Fifty thousand.”

“forty one,” Perry said. “You offered one in six free, which is a sixteen point seven percent discount.”

“Where are you going to keep them!?” Heather demanded.

“In the tank, obviously.”

“Honored customer. If they’re not taken out of the tank and returned to the earth by the end of the day, they will die and begin to rot. I don’t know if it was mentioned in the texts you read regarding them, but Earth-worms have some of the most pungent rotting scent in the animal kingdom. I’m told a human got some on his shirt and killed himself to escape the odor.”

Perry considered that.

“How about all the dried ones you have, then. They still have all their organs, correct?”

“If you’re planning on using them for ritual magic, you could hardly pick a worse ingredient than dried earth-worm!” the orglaf cried. “The quality has been vastly diminished and tainted by dessicants. No, they’re solely for eating.”

“As a fellow manitian, I want you to trust me when I say that won’t be a problem.” Perry said.

“Very well. I will take your word for it,” the salesman said, wiping his twitching nose again before turning to Heather.

“And was there anything you wanted, young lady? I’ve got the finest Mox-feathers to enhance your natural beauty to unearthly radiance.”

“Why does everyone assume I want beauty products?” Heather asked.

“At least he’s not commenting on your virginity.” Perry muttered as he counted out three hundred dried worms worth of cash.

“Ah, I see you two have encountered a unicorn in the past,” The salesman said. The three of them shared a silent moment, staring into the distance, before Heather broke the stalemate.

“No, I’m looking for information.”

“I am not an information seller,” The orglaf said with a shrug, his loose skin sliding over his shoulders and neck.

“I just want to know if there’s a new shapeshifter in town. Telling you what he looks like might be pointless, but he has a habit of crawling into people’s sinuses and exploding their skulls from the inside.”

“I’ve not heard of anyone like that,” The orglaf said, waving dismissively “But Mama Kris might have the information you seek. The hag is an information dealer, unlike myself.”

“Hag?”

“Demonic spirits that take the form of an old woman. It’s not a slur, that’s what they actually are,” Perry said. “Just don’t promise to pay them in anything other than money.”

“I see.” Heather glanced over at the ornate iridescent feathers hanging up above the snot-covered salesman. “How do Mox feathers make you more radiant?” She whispered into Perry’s ear.

“Literally.” Perry said. “Grind them into a powder and apply them, and they will control the way light hits your face so that you’re always in the most flattering lighting, regardless of your environment.”

Heather’s eyes widened.

“Half a dozen feathers please.”

Perry raised an eyebrow.

“My luggage got melted by spider-venom, remember?”

“Ah,” Perry glanced down at his T-shirt.

A wild prince has appeared!

(Marry)

(F*ck)

->(Kill)

“I don’t think you should take me with you when you guys go to buy some spare clothes. I seem to be cursed.”

“Too bad, you’re coming. You need new clothes. And deodorant.” Heather said.

“Low blow, but accurate.” Perry said.

Heather turned her attention back to the salesman and slipped him another hundred bucks. “Where’s this Kris hag?”

The salesman pocketed the extra cash with a grateful nod. “Two blocks down that way, under a neon sign.” He pointed down the street. They could see the light of the sign from where they stood.

“Thank you sir,” Perry said as the orglaf deposited the woven basket of dried worms in his hands.

Perry slipped one out of the basket and started chewing on it as they walked down the streets of ‘Twilight Zone’. Washington city needed a better naming sense. Funkytown was way better.

“You want one?” Perry said, waggling a dried worm at Heather while he chewed on the first. They were actually pretty good salted and dried. A bit like a tougher version of dried salmon.

“Aren’t you going to use those for spells?” Heather asked.

“You think I can finish all these?” Perry asked, motioning to the armload he was carrying.

“Alright,” Heather took the proffered worm and started chewing. “Hey, not bad.”

‘You know, they couldn’t raise these things at all ten years ago. I found that out when I was doing research for spells. They just held onto the eggs in case. I think Earth might be getting more magical over time.”

“No, really?” Heather asked, motioning to the dog-man riding a giant centipede alongside them.

“It just makes me wonder if the earth-worms habitat is expanding, and whether or not there are any Earth-based organisms who have their own essences.”

Could help with my supply chain issues. Perry was distinctly aware that a lot of his magical ingredients weren’t going to be around forever.

They stopped under the neon sign, looking up at it.

Madame Kris’s Answers from the beyond.

OPEN

They glanced down at the brightly colored piece of paper plastered to the front window.

Surgeon General’s Warning.

The surgeon general does not acknowledge the existence of a soul. However, promising your soul to certain creatures in exchange for services rendered can lead to ennui, malaise, loss of appetite, suicidal tendencies, hallucinations and psychotic breaks that end in murderous rampages.

“Seems like the right place,” Perry said, wiping the salt and grease off his hand before opening the door.