Chapter 51: Cognitohazard (Patreon)

The easiest way to pacify this lair would be to slag the entire thing. Which would inevitably lose us valuable tech and materials.

If we call in an AI Tinker to disarm the lair, they’re gonna want a cut of the tech, and I don’t wanna share.

“Something bothering you?” Mom asked as Perry stabbed his rice and broccoli with his spoon.

“Found an abandoned lair the other day. We’re gonna loot it, but it’s a tough nut to crack.”

“Hmm…” Mom leaned back in her seat and tapped her chin. “You know, when we used to mummify our ancestors and keep them in crypts. According to Gramma we had a huge problem with people bypassing the traps by drilling straight to the tomb and looting the bodies. Eventually we started turning the bodies into ravenous undead so they could protect their own afterlife.”

“So you’re saying I should map the area remotely, then drill into the control room.” Perry frowned. “You’re also saying that our family did weird ancient pharoah stuff.”

“Pffft,” Mom waved him off with a raspberry. “Our tombs were way better than the pharaohs, When I was…five I think, Gramma took me to visit the Eternal Canyon.”

“Which is?”

“Imagine the grand canyon, but radiating necrotic essence because it leads to a slumbering death god at the bottom, and along the sides of the canyon, people have carved entire cities for the honored dead to rest in their afterlife.”

“Gramma wants us to put her to rest there when she passes, but…” Mom’s jaw tightened.

“But?” Perry prodded.

“Going back to Manita is very difficult, expensive and dangerous.”

She eyed him askance. “Although I think when you’re older, maybe we can visit. You’re shaping up to be quite the tough little cookie.”

“Why can’t people live there anymore?”

“You know how you fought giant fire-breathing wasps a while ago?” She asked.

“Yeah.”
“Now keep in mind, everything on Manita had a little magic on it, even the bugs. So when The Tide arrived, that hint of magic suddenly went nuclear. Insects were now monsters, monsters were implacable demons, and gods…”

“Well, nothing really changed about the gods.” Mom shrugged. “Anyway, the point is, it was like being besieged by Prawn all year, every year. Except they could fly. And use magic.”

“There was just no way to stay.” Mom said. “Powerful individuals like me, your father, and Solaris, can visit briefly but it’s a slog, and the last time we visited the place had changed so much it was almost unrecognizeable.”

“The huge castle I remembered from when I was a little girl just…Phew..” She blew a breath out and pantomimed dust scattering in the wind.

“I think I’d like to go, one day.” Perry said. “Maybe I can catch a glimpse of what you saw when you were younger.”

“Sure,” Mom said, leaning over and hugging him from the side. “Let’s visit someday.”

“Maybe when gramma dies.”

“Oh, Perry,” Mom said, tweaking his nose. “Soul-sucking witches can’t die.”

Perry choked on his breakfast.

Perry cleaned up the mess and washed his dishes before going to his lair, his mind bouncing from subject to subject as he walked.

His origins, his lair, his experiments…

That question on the Health questionaire.

Maybe Perry was just being paranoid, but he didn’t even dare to look it up on his phone lest he trigger a flag.

I mean, what if it’s not important, and it’s just the superhero equivalent of high blood pressure? Not immediately threatening, just in need of being managed.

Perry didn’t know why he wanted so badly to keep it a secret. It felt…important.

Crazy people think they’re sane.

Perry chuckled.

I’ll have to find a way to research it that isn’t traceable to me.

Perry greeted Brendon outside the Motel, where the meathead was carrying a bucket of tools in one hand and a twin sized mattress over his other shoulder, following behind Sophie.

The two of them were doing a good job keeping the place going. Brendon wasn’t the brightest bulb, but he was earnest, and he didn’t disrespect other people’s property, which meant that while he was risk-prone, it was mostly risk to himself.

He walked out of the hot summer air and took a moment to enjoy the AC before heading down into his lair.

He was met by Hardcase, Heather, Jetset, and Manic.

“Where’s Titan?”

“He got a tip about a possible gang war out by the mutant slums, so he’s staking it out,” Jetset said with a shrug.

“And Warcry?”

“She got some kind of important interview this morning?” Manic said.

Dang. Manic was almost as much of a problem as he was a benefit, and Jetset…could fly.

I was really hoping for someone who could smash traps or cut through them. That would’ve made things simpler.

Ah well.

Perry didn’t let the disappointment show on his face.

“Alright, so after taking time to sleep on it, here’s my idea.”

Perry laid out his plan to map out the lair via drone, then drill straight to the control center from outside and shut down the defenses.

“Aw…” Manic deflated, his shoulders slumping in disappointment. “I wanted to be in danger.”

“There’s plenty of danger to go around.” Perry said. “Plus, you can run the drill.”

“Whooo!” Manic cheered up instantly.

“His reactions are fast, right?” Perry asked Jetset quietly.

“I mean, if he’s paying attention, sure. I think he needs ritalin, but it’s undiagnosed because, you know, superpowers.” Jetset whispered back.

“Gotcha,” Perry nodded.

“Hardcase, you get to be our guardian angel,” Perry said, pointing at his computer. “We probably can’t fit your mechsuit in there, and I’m hesitant to get it destroyed right after it got an upgrade.”

“I guess I can sit this one out,” Hardcase said.

“Once the hole is open, Jetset and Manic are coming in with us. Manic, I want you to be in charge of evac if necessary.”

“I’m used to it.” Manic said, giving him a thumbs-up.

“Alright, now we just gotta get some stealth drones in the dead guy’s lair.”

Easier done than said. Perry already had a line of drones he’d been putting together to keep an eye on Chemestro, so there were plenty to spare.

Manic grabbed Perry’s glue-gun, and Heather peeled back the metal sheet covering the crumbled entrance to Magneton’s lair.

Perry tossed a handful of the stealth drones in, and Manic glued it back down in the blink of an eye.

They went back to the lab, where Jetset was leaning over Hardcase’s shoulder, watching the video feed from the drones as they snuck deeper into the dead Tinker’s lair.

Perry let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding when the drones passed the smasher without getting squished.

Maybe the defenses were only tuned for a specific size or only things with a heartbeat. Who knew?

In the upper-right hand side of the screen was an expanding map of the lair. Once they had explored it completely, they could use the map to figure out where they needed to dig from.

The lair was eerily similar to his dads in layout. That wasn’t unusual because Tinkers had certain needs, but it still made Perry a bit apprehensive.

They passed through the lab, which was full of experiments and equipment that made Hardcase squirm with greed.

They went through the shop, the testing rooms, until they finally got to what appeared to be the control room.

It was a typical control room for a super that had a great sense of self-importance. It had unnecessary floor-to-ceiling monitors, a massive control panel and a swivel chair to interact with all of it.

All of which would have been simple enough to handle on a desktop.

“I’m leaning towards this guy being a dick,” Heather said, watching from the opposite side of Hardcase.

“Uhuh,” Perry grunted. Floor to ceiling lair monitors stopped being cool twenty years ago.

“Sooo…start drilling now?” Manic asked.

“There’s another door leading out of the control room,” Perry said, pointing. “let’s see what it is.”

Hardcase nodded and tilted the swarm of stealth drones toward the next room.

They went down a short hall and emerged into what appeared to be the power room. At first.

There was a massive, bulky machine riddled with rubes and wrist-thick copper wires that Perry at first assumed to be a Tinker-tuned generator, but on second glance…he had no idea.

In the middle of the room was a gramophone with massive wires jutting out of the ground that gradually led up to the needle pressed into the vinyl record.

“The heck is that?” Heather asked.

“Some kind of analogue data storage?” Hardcase suggested. Perry glanced at her, raising a brow.

“I read in a magazine that some Tinkers like to store sensitive information on analogue devices, eliminating the chance of a Technopath getting it.”

“Huh. Weird. You know a scan with enough detail could read the info off the grooves, right?” Perry asked.

“I didn’t say it was perfect,” Hardcase said. “I read it in a magazine!”

“There, there.” Perry said, patting her head. “I wasn’t trying to be mean. You’re a smart cookie.”

“O-okay.”

Jetset gave him a confused look.

Perry shrugged.

“Soo…drill now, yes?” Manic asked.

“Hardcase, can you put the map of his lair on an overlay of the city. That’ll tell us where we need to drill.” Perry said before addressing the rest of them. “In the meantime, let’s get the rest of you guys set up with a radio.”

“We’re all gonna be in the same spot,” Jetset said.

“It’s just a precaution so when Manic inevitably splits up the group, it doesn’t wind up becoming a horror movie,” Perry said.

“Hey!” Manic said, scowling before taking the earpiece out of Perry’s hand. “I’m taking this earpiece as implied consent to wander off on my own as soon as we get in there.”

“If you want,” Perry said, pointing at his pancaked suit of armor leaning against the far wall.

“Or maybe I’ll just stay with the group.”

“Thanks man,” Jetset said, patting Manic on the shoulder.

“Safety first!” Manic said. “mmm, smoked salmon,” He opened up a package of smoked salmon, which, while delicious, was insanely expensive at a hundred dollars an ounce.

“Why, man!? You’re eating all the money you got from the Locust job!” Jetset asked.

“You try eating nothing but speedster bars! I was literally going to die from boredom!”

“That is not the proper usage of ‘literally’.” Jetset said, shaking his head as Perry handed out the last of the earpieces.

“Here’s the control center,” Hardcase said, waving them over. She pointed at a glowing dot on the overland map.

“Huh. This should be interesting,” Perry said.

A few minutes later, they were in the lobby of the next-door laundromat, in full super-kit.

“Greeting citizens,” Perry said, feeling like an imbecile. “There is a situation underneath the laundromat. If you would please exit slowly and calmly through the main entrance, we’ll take care of the issue. Please, walk slowly, there’s no immediate danger. Thank you.”

About a quarter of the people, the smarter ones, bolted for the door immediately. Half of them walked for the door, as they’d been asked, while the last quarter was composed of stubborn old ladies who would rather risk death than leave their laundry. Perry shrugged.

Manic was practically vibrating with his desire to drill when he got the go-ahead.

The speedster put the modified kitchen-aid to the ground, kneeled on top of it and started drilling.

The tiled floor of the laundromat came up first, kicked into the air, followed by the concrete underneath it, creating a mound of grey rubble around the hole.

Gonna need a cleanup crew, Perry thought, wincing. His lawyer was probably going to be angry at him, but obviously a Tinker lair had a lot more value than a laundromat. It was just a hassle.

BOOM!

A concussive blast rocked Perry back on his heels and knocked the old ladies on their butts. Shrapnel shot up through the tunnel and peppered the ceiling of the building.

“Oh my god, Manic!” Jetset shouted, recovering and crawling over to peer inside the hole. “Are you okay!?”

“Shit, did he get pasted?” Heather asked, looking into the tunnel.

“I don’t see him,” Manic said, peering into the hole from over Jetset’s shoulder. “He could be in trouble.”

Jetset punched Manic in the shoulder.

“The guy had mines in his walls, apparently,” Manic said, looking at Perry.

“He’s solidly in the ‘dick’ category.” Heather said, nodding.

“Sorry I broke your drill.” Manic said.

“You think my drill can’t handle conventional explosives?” Perry scoffed. “Get back to work.”

“Whoo!” Manic dove back into the hole.

“Should we…check on the old ladies?” Jetset said, glancing over to where the white-haired spinsters were getting back to their feet, glaring at the troublemakers.

Perry was tempted to respond with ‘they knew what they were getting into’ but he choked it back.

“Yeah, let’s try to avoid a lawsuit.”

“Not ‘make sure the old ladies are okay?’” Heather asked, smirking at Perry.

“Tomato, tomahto.” Perry said, waving it off, pausing as an idea occurred to him.

Perry snapped his fingers. “A room with bouncing rubberized metal ball bearings that shred anything that enters.”

“Simple but elegant. I like it.” Hardcase said through his earpiece.

Conventional explosives. What a dim bulb.

“I’m through!” Manic’s voice emanated from the tunnel.

“Alright, lemme through, I’m the least likely to get instantly pasted.” Perry said, trading places with Manic and jumping into the hole.

Perry held his breath, scanning the dimly lit control room, waiting for the next death-trap to hit.

…nothing.

The main console flickered to life, glowing bright enough to illuminate the empty room as the central monitor flickered to life, offering a password prompt.

Not unexpected,Perry thought, glancing around. They might have to brute-force the password, but that could some later. Worst case scenario they could tear the console out entirely then try to build something new to operate the death traps.

Depending on if they’re centralized or not.

Given how paranoid this this guy seemed to be, Perry wasn’t particularly hopeful.

It didn’t seem like there were traps in the control room, which made sense. No tinker wanted to get pasted walking groggily to their control center in the morning with a cup of coffee, or because they missed a keystroke due to gummy eyes.

So this was the safe zone they could stage the rest of their explorations from.

“Alright, it looks safe. Come on down in order of squishiness,” Perry said.

Heather leapt down, followed by Manic and Jetset.

“Alright, Hardcase, where should we go first?” Perry said, glancing at the tiny swarm of drones watching them.

“As bad as I wanna get my hands on the lab, let’s makes sure the northwest room with the big machine is safe to leave at your backs before we push further south.” The drones wobbled in time with her speech. Perry wasn’t sure if she was unconsciously emoting with them, but it was amusing either way.

“Paradox, Manic and Jetset search the room, Wraith stay in the control room and be ready to smash anything that acts up.” Hardcase said.

They nodded and made it so while Hardcase watched over them from above.

Upon entering the room, Perry paused for a moment, waiting for something to smash him, or douse him in acid, or laze him.

…Nothing.

This room, like the control room, must have been too valuable or too difficult to trap.

Probably, Perry thought as he took another step in. still nothing.

Perry relaxed a bit, allowing himself to breath, but stayed sharp as he entered the room, Jetset and Manic shortly behind him.

Perry was scanning the walls for tiny seams, or evidence of more lasers when Jetset tapped on his shoulder.

“Hey man, check that out.”

Perry glanced over and looked at the massive machine that dominated the west wall. It took him a moment to understand what he was looking at. The drones had missed it because their field of view was so different from that of a human.

One of the protrusions sticking off the side of the machine wasn’t another coolant tube or massive wire, or bulging valve.

It was the back of a humanoid form that had fused with the massive machine, seemingly embracing it. There was no flesh, only steel in a humanoid pattern.

“Well, that’s creepy.

“What’s this button do!?” Manic said, pressing the button on the side of the gramophone.

Boopbeepboopbeepboopbeepboopboop  Boopbeepbeep..

“Are you freaking kidding me!?” Perry demanded as the sounds continued to echo through the room from the gramophone. “Shut that off! There’s literally a man fused to the dang wall! The heck you think caused it!?”

“Gotcha…” Manic said, pressing the button again.

It didn’t shut off.

It made the door slam shut behind them.

“Well, looks like you found another trap,” Perry said, “Thanks Manic.”

“No problem, dude,” Manic said, giving him a thumbs up.

Perry moved over and tried to smash the gramophone, but an invisible force propelled him backwards, slamming him into the wall.

“Well, at least you two will be fine,” Perry said, grimly.

“How’s that?” Jetset demanded as he tugged on the handle of the door.

“It’s in binary,” Perry said, his System-sharpened mind easily decoding the series of beeps and boops even though he didn’t want to.

01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01010100 01101001 01100100 01100101 00100000 01110011 01100101 01100101 01101101 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110000 01110010 01100101 01100110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101000 01100001 01100100 01100101 00101100 00100000 01101000 01101001 01100100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101111 01101101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110011 01110101 01101110 00100111 01110011 00100000 01110010 01100001 01111001 01110011 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110011 01101000 01100001 01100100 01101111 01110111 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01110011 01110101 01110010 01110110 01100101 01111001 01110011 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110000 01101100 01100001 01101110 01100101 01110100 00101110 00100000 01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100111 01110010 01100001 01110110 01101001 01110100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01100001 01101100 00100000 01100110 01101100 01110101 01100011 01110100 01110101 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01101001 01101110 01100100 01101001 01100011 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01100101 01111000 01110100 01100101 01101110 01100100 01100101 01100100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110100 01100101 01101110 01100100 01110010 01101001 01101100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101100 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000…

***

“Perry!” Heather’s voice cut through his fugue.

“Eh?” Perry asked, shaking off grogginess.

“Are you good?” Heather asked, looking up at him with shimmering eyes.

Perry scanned the surroundings, finding that he was back in his lair. His nose felt wet. He tried to touch it, but slammed into his helmet.

He opened the suit and staggered out, dizzier than he expected.

“Oh, shit, your nose,” Heather said, handing him a towel.

Perry held the towel to his nose and glanced at Manic, who was watching over Hardcase. The tiny Tinker’s nose was filled with bloody tissue paper, eyes bloodshot and wandering aimlessly around the ceiling of the room as she reclined on a bench.

“You’re off the mission,” Perry said.

“That’s fair.” Manic said, his shoulders slumped.

Why am I so hungry? Perry wondered.