Chapter 32: Prop Comedy (Patreon)

***Claudette***

“Hi, mom,” Claudette said, wincing as her mother stormed into her home, taking off her praxa wool scarf and hanging it up on the coatrack before heading for the dinner table.

“Family meeting,” Mom said. “Get your clown of a husband out here.”

“You called?” Darryl asked, poking his head out of the broom closet that led to his lair.

Mom motioned for them to sit.

Claudette gingerly sat across from her mother, beside Darryl.

“You two are going to explain to me exactly what you did to my grandson,” she said, clasping her gnarled fingers together as she peered at them.

“So… you know how Annette had more Attunement than anyone you’d ever seen?” Claudette said gingerly.

“Annette. Died.” Mom said.

“Perry had about three times as much…before the ritual of Kaz.”

“Yes, I saw that. What I’m wondering is why you thought it was a good idea to put a secondspiritual entity inside him. One in direct contention with Abun’Zaul. Perry’s behavior was showing signs of minor soul-damage.”

Soul damage.

Recognized in the mundane world as various mental illnesses, and treated in a similar manner to PTSD, and depression: Companionship, exercise, and routine.

“luckily it’s minor, and the two spirits seem to be mitigating most of it through some kind of artificial shoring up of his soul. Almost like an oyster builds up mother-of-pearl.

Gramma sighed and rubbed her temple.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. Abun’Zaul is the epitome of formless potential. Able to imitate anything, grow without limit. And yet this other spirit is so closely bonded to it, in some places it’s difficult to tell which is which. They work together in some places, oppose each other in others, both of them growing exponentially, matching each other in equal measure.”

“Where did you even find a second Legendary spirit, and what made you think it was a good idea to fight fire with fire?” Mom asked. “I mean, it seems to be working, but it makes NO sense.”

Claudette frowned and glanced at Darryl.

“We never…put a second spirit in Paradox.”

Darryl raised his finger and opened his mouth, pausing for a moment as he considered.

“I may have… created an artificial spiritual grey-goo. It seems like the causal pruning establishes a form on a dimension the things you call spirits are able to interact with…interesting.”

“What’s a grey goo?” Mom asked. “Is It some sort of slime?”

“It’s a theoretical concept of self-replicating nanobots so effective that they would be capable of using any material to create more of themselves. The danger would be that they would never stop and eventually consume the planet. Professor Replica came close.”

“What?” Mom was lost, but Claudette knew what he was talking about.

“You put an all-consumingspiritual entity in Perry?” Claudette demanded.

“You did too,” Darryl said with a shrug. “At least mine is programmed to protect him at any cost.”

“Including at the cost of destroying the world?” Claudette asked.

“No exceptions,” Darryl said.

“Darryl, I love you, but sometimes you’re the stupidest smart man I’ve ever seen.” Claudette sighed, picturing all the ways that could go horribly.

“Only for you, babe,” the hawknosed professor gave her finger-guns.

“It…” Mom ground out the words grudgingly “may…have been for the best,” she said. “Paradox survives in the perfect stalemate between those two forces. Abun’Zaul’s very ability to adapt and overcome the host’s defenses is why no one could use it, regardless of their Attunement.

“I didn’t…know that.” Claudette said, her skin turning cold.

I didn’t tell you,” Mom said. “Which was my mistake, I suppose.”

“Well, I look forward to seeing the career of a mage who can use every Essence at will. The first true Archmage since Amek Zauberer.” Mom’s gaze sparkled as she stared into the future, marvelling at the reinvigorated Zauberer line of mages.

Darryl winced. “Uh, no, he can’t ever use any form of magic. That’s priority number two for my System.”

Mom snarled and a lance of fire leapt from her fingertips and drilled through Darryl’s chest.

Darryl glanced down at the glowing hole in his chest revealing melted steel and wiring.

“And you wonder why I don’t meet you in person?” Mechanaut said as the android in the chair gradually powered down, face going slack.

Mom’s face was red with fury as she stared at the remote-controlled body-double, her temper gradually cooling to her usual simmering ire.

“So…” Claudette frowned, meeting her mother’s gaze as two questions rattled around in her head.

“If Perry can’t use magic…”

“How did he do that to his arm?” Mom finished for her.

“And if there are no exceptions to Darryl’s direction to protect Perry…”

“Would it unlock his magic if it was the only way to save his life?” Mom asked, frowning contemplatively.

“Mom.” Claudette said, interrupting her mother’s train of thought. She knew that expression on her mom’s face.

“Mmm?” Mom said, glancing up at her.

“Promise you’re not going to put Perry in mortal danger to try and unlock his magic.”

“I promise I won’t.”

“Promise you won’t have anyone else do it either.”

Mom clicked her tongue with a sour expression on her face.

“Fine, I won’t order anyone else to do it either.”

“Don’t even bring it up in casual conversation with one of your flunkies.”

“Kind of paranoid, aren’t you?” Mom asked.

“Mooom,” Claudette groaned.

***Perry***

“Perry! You’re alive!” Heather’s voice echoed through the underground lair.

“Eh?” Perry turned around to face her.

“And you don’t…what is that?” She asked, her voice flat, looking at his shirt.

“This?” Perry asked, looking down at his shirt:

My Dr.

prescribed

a girlfriend

Sitting on top of the black T-shit with white lettering was mom’s love charm.

“Are you serious?”

“It’s true, actually,” Perry said. “My doctor did prescribe a girlfriend.”

“And that helps with your arm somehow?” Heather asked.

“Oh, no, she just had her feelings hurt because she wasn’t able to hurt my feelings, and prescribed a girlfriend in response to that.”

“That makes no sense,” Heather said.

“Yes, that’s why I made a T-shirt out of it.” Perry explained. “Because it’s funny.”

“I liked the idea so much, I made one for you.” Perry said, holding up another shirt off the table.

Rx

strength

girlfriend

“Yeaaaah…I’m not gonna wear that.” Heather said.

“Excellent.” Perry said, setting the shirt down. Either prove my Grandma wrong or get a girlfriend. It’s a win-win.

“So whaddya got on tap today beside prop comedy?” Heather asked.

“My CAD is done for Mk. 3, just waiting on the supplies. I’ve got a couple new weapons drawn up but need to buy parts for them, too…”

Perry shrugged. There wasn’t much he could do at this point.

“Patrol?”

There was always something going on during High Tide.

***Jason Cutter***

To say Jason was mad was an understatement.

Jason was so far beyond angry that he’d wrapped back around to serene calm.

He was going to kill someone tonight.

Specifically Tom Smith, the piece of garbage who’d fired his mom the minute she’d been diagnosed with Secondary Progressive M.S. because he didn’t want to pay for her insurance.

A single mother of three, she hadn’t had the time or money to seek treatment, desperately searching for a job that paid as well, even as her faculties were gradually eaten away by the disease, but pre-existing conditions were a major turn-off for any employer or insurer, so she mostly got the door slammed in her face.

He’d spent years running straight home from school to do the chores, take care of his brother and sister, so his mom could get some sleep. Sometimes that just meant holding her hand while she writhed in pain, her white blood cells devouring her own nervous system.

And then she died.

It was a car crash that killed her. A brawl had broken out between a cape and cowl in the middle of Main street, and she’d swerved, hitting the brakes just a little too slow to avoid slamming full speed into a concrete divider.

Jason was absolutely sure that if she’d been able to get treated rather than ignoring the disease in favor of job-hunting, she’d been able to put her foot on the brakes that quarter-second earlier that divided life and death.

His brother and sister wouldn’t have been going hungry the past three years…

And Jason wouldn’t have Triggered.

Really, Tom only had himself to blame.

Jason craned his neck to look up at the office building in front of him.

Smith and Western Law offices.

There was a light beaming out from inside the window in the upper left window. Tom’s window.

Ah, good.

Jason reached out and felt his new power activate, exploding the heavy steel front door into confetti with a blast of wind and bits of glitter.

Jason’s power…was not what he would have wished for, but it was good enough to do what he needed to do with it.

Jason marched through the falling shimmery material and headed for the stairs, exploding anything that got into his way in a straight line.

He marched up to the third floor and exploded the door, heading for Tom’s office.

The piece of garbage was hiding behind his desk, calling the police, presumeably.

The man’s cell phone exploded into confetti right next to his ear, causing the lawyer to give a satisfying squawk and reel to the side, clutching his ear.

“Mr. Smith. I’m going to kill you.” Jason said, moving towards him. Jason didn’t have any particular plan in mind for how he was going to do that, but it would probably involve confetti.

“Gah, you little-“ Mr. Smith lunged forward and snatched something out form under his desk: A pistol.

In the blink of an eye, the pistol exploded into confetti and reformed out of the glitter floating in the air, in Jason’s hand.

“Huh, I didn’t realize I could do that,” Jason said, bemused. The idea of practicing when he had the ability to make Tom pay now, hadn’t even occurred to him.

“Hey, listen, whatever you’re looking for, I’m sure there’s a way to settle it legally.” Tom weaseled.

“Nnnaaah,” Jason said, drawing a bead on the scumbag.

An impact rocked Jason’s side and flung him away, slamming him violently into the wall and sending blazing pain up his side.

The gun fired as he clenched his hands in pain, sending a bullet out the window and into the concrete wall of the building across the street.

Jason glanced over his shoulder with a snarl, and spotted…

A pretty redhead, holding a rusty metal rod in her hand with what looked like an ivory handle.

“Now come quietly or –“

Jason exploded her weapon into confetti, landing the weapon in his hand.

“ANYA! You son of a b-“

“Ow!” Jason dropped the rod as it felt like he was clutching an electric fence, sending pins and needles all the way up his arm.

“Wow, I didn’t know she could do that,” The girl mused as an absolutely gigantic suit of power armor lumbered into view behind her.

It raised a weapon laden arm towards him.

Jason dropped the puny gun and flung out his hands, focusing everything he had.

The power armor exploded in a massive storm of confetti, revealing a dark-haired guy about Jason’s age, wearing a T-shirt that implied he was single and had no idea how to go about fixing it.

“My suit.” The guy said, seemingly in shock as glitter settled across his body.

“He’s got some kind of power that allows him to vanish and short-range teleport inanimate objects!” The girl said.

“That was my suit.” The guy said.

Jason poofed the gun back into his hand and pointed it at the supers.

“You better get the heck outta here,” Jason said. “This scumbag here is the only one who has to die tonight.”

“That was my suit!” The black-haired kid charged Jason, tackling him to the ground.

In a panic, Jason tried his power on the ground under him.

The ground exploded into confetti and dropped the two of them an entire floor. Jason twisted midfall and got the cape under him, dropping the two of them onto the sharp edge of a hardwood desk.

“OOF!” Jason rolled away immediately and started backing off while the super rubbed his back. “Need to get myself hyperweave undersuit, no idea how that’s less than a boxer’s punch…”

“Paradox!” The girl shouted , from the hole in the floor above. “I’m-“

Jason extended his hand and the floor reappeared out of glitter, separating them from the heroine.

He leveled the gun on the cape.

“Get outta here, NOW,or I’m going to shoot you.” Jason said, his nerves on fire with pure adrenaline.

“Eh,” Paradox shrugged and charged him again.

BLAM BLAM BLAM!

Jason got three wild shots off before a fist caught him in the jaw, rocking his head back violently.

Jason’s vision swam as he staggered backward, the gun being wrenched out of his hand. A moment later a pair of hands wrenched his arm behind his back.

“Let go of me!” Jason shouted, disappearing the floor beneath them.

This time the other guy was ready, and he was stronger than Jason, despite being roughly the same build.

Paradox made sure Jason hit the ground back first, knocking the wind out of him.

“OW,” Jason groaned with what little air he could muster.

For a good minute, Jason could only stare up at the ceiling while the redheaded girl hoisted him to his feet. Her hands deformed around his wrists, turning into effective handcuffs made of living tissue.

“Lemme go,” Jason muttered. “Or I’ll…I’ll make your stupid spandex suit disappear.”

She leaned in to whisper in his ear. “You gotta ask yourself: Is it worth getting beat to death?”

His anger beginning to fade, Jason had to admit that it probably wasn’t worth it.

“Hey dude,” Paradox said, stepping into Jason’s field of view. “If you could give me my suit back that would be awesome.”

“Screw you!” Jason said, trying to go for a kick before the heroine twisted his arms a bit harder. “You bastards ruined everything!”

“Get that punk outta here!” Tom said, his hands on his hips in a pathetic approximation of a power-pose, ruined by his protruding beer gut.

“He got my mom killed!” Jason shouted, writhing violently in the shapeshifter’s immutable grip. “If it wasn’t for that scumbag, She’d be alive right now! My brother and sister wouldn’t be starving!”

The girl’s grip dragged him towards the front door, where the blue and red lights flashed and sirens echoed.

“Say whatever you want, kid, everyone here knows you’re full of it,” Tom Smith said, totally confident now that he believed himself safe.

“I’ll be back! I don’t care where they put me, I’m gonna kill you!” Jason shouted.

“Hold on, Wraith,” Paradox said, tapping the heroine on the shoulder.

“What’s your name?” Paradox asked, but Jason was too focused on the smug bastard’s smug expression.

Click. Paradox clicked his fingers in front of Jason’s face.

“What’s your name?”

“Jason.”

“Your super name,” Paradox said, rolling his eyes behind his domino mask.

“Don’t have one.”

Paradox sighed.

“Look, Jason, there are ways to get revenge that are totally legal.”

Jason snorted.

“You know what the average salary is for a super?”

“No?”

“Three million dollars a year. some make more, some make less, but it’s fair to say that you’re set for life.”

“What does that have to do with him?” Jason asked, nodding his head.

“Well, three million dollars a year pays for a lot of lawyer’s fees. If you really wanted to kill him, you could hire some attack-dog lawyers to sue him for every conceivable reason, drag his name through the mud until no one will ever work with him again, and he’s too busy defending himself to make any money.

“Once your attack-dog lawyers have him disbarred and living in a slum, hire some soulless lobbyists to harass him day and night until he decides to end his life rather than continue suffering.

“Best part is,” Paradox said, pointing at Jason. “It’s mostly legal.”

Jason cocked his head. Huh. I never thought of that.

“Damn, Perry.” Wraith said, frowning.

Jason met Tom Smith’s gaze. It was a little less smug. A little more pale.

“I’ll see you later.” Jason said, no longer struggling as they escorted him out of the building.

“Citizen,” Paradox said, nodding to the flabbergasted lawyer.

***Perry***

“So, whydid you give that guy advice on how to ruin someone’s life?” Heather asked as they waited for the Nexus pickup crew to arrive.

“Well, it’s not exactly a big secret, he’d have figured it out if he sat down and thought about it for a while. Plenty of time for that in jail. It also got him to calm down and stop resisting.” Perry patted his suit, standing in the parking lot. “And I really wanted him to give me back my armor.”

“More the last part than anything else, I bet.” Heather said.

“I only have two of these to last until the end of the week!” Perry exclaimed.

They felt a distinctive rumbling in the ground and noticed Titan and Co. approaching. Warcry was practicing skating along the ground on a board of pure purple energy. By the wobble in her stance, it was tricky.

Hardcase was walking behind them in her improved suit, and Manic was segwaying along beside them to conserve calories. Jetset was doing overwatch as usual.

I need to get that guy a rifle. The rubber band gun was good, but something with more range would take better advantage of the capes natural advantage of range and height.

“Hey Paradox, Wraith!” Titan said as he approached. “I saw police lights and went to see what was up. I see you guys landed a fish!”

He motioned to Jason, who was being restrained by a police officer manually, rather than being handcuffed.

“Eh?” Perry said, turning around to fully face him.

Titan glanced down at Perry’s shirt and began chortling uncontrollably, his hand slapping against his thigh.

At least, until the sirens started blaring.