Chapter 30: The Other Shoe Drops (Patreon)

“What’s the point of buying a prosthetic that you can put a shoe on?” Jeb asked. “Why not just make it tough enough to walk on cobblestones without splintering? Some steel and rubber is all I really need.” Jeb said as he turned the fancy reproduction of a foot over in his hands. It even had articulating toes so he could make them flip someone off if he had to.

“It’s not just about durability,” Vresh said, holding another prosthetic up to his arm to check the skin tone. “It’s about cleanliness. You buy a matching set of shoes for it, you take them off when you come inside so the servants don’t have to clean up muddy one-footed tracks.”

“Heh, servants.” Jeb muttered, shaking his head.

“How about this one?” Jeb asked, holding up a particularly gaudy example up, ivory embedded with gold inlay. “It’s got a surprising amount of storage space.”

“You told me yourself, and I quote, ‘I keep breaking my damned fake feet. I need to find some that will last.’ Does gold inlay strike you as a high priority?” she asked.

“You never know, someday some ruffian could see my fancy foot and decide I’m a cool dude, worth going easy on.”

“More likely they’d mark you as a target to rob.”

“True,” Jeb’s eyes wandered to the left until his gaze landed on something spectacular.

“What is that?” He breathed, pointing at heavy dark blue steel peg with a sole made of a fist-sized chunk of faradan with Myst visibly pulsing through it.

“No.” Vresh said.

“No, what?” Jeb asked.

“No, it’s not a good choice.”

“But, but, It’s so cool!” Jeb said, picking it up off the shelf and turning it over in his hand. he tried pressing against the faradan but the invisible force of the stone pushed his hand away. There was a sticky sort of tactile sensation that transferred force through the invisible field. Jeb guessed that was what the enchantment did.

“It won’t get dirty, it doesn’t even touch the ground!” he exclaimed.

“First of all, check the price tag.” Vresh said.

Jeb glanced down and hissed like he’d been burned.

“That’s not…a complete dealbreaker.” Damn thing almost costs as much as the orphanage.

“How’s this then, it’s actually less durable than a standard wooden leg. A light shock from the side can crack the faradan stone and render it completely useless. It also doesn’t have any of your coveted ‘storage space’, since the core is entirely filled with faradan to support your weight. It also isn’t rated for any more than two hundred and fifty pound. If you were to try to lift something more than a hundred pounds, you run the risk of breaking it.”

“If I may,” the salesman interjected, “despite these caviats, the ‘air-peg’ is reported to be the most comfortable walking experience many of our clients have ever had. Because it never touches your skin, it eliminates the chafing and sores that other pegs might cause.

“Oooh, that sounds nice, but…The ‘air-peg’?” Jeb asked, frowning.

“My boss makes me say it.” The merchant said apologetically.

“Most of us have been there,” Jeb said, nodding.

“Jeb, you have enough Body. You won’t get sores.”

“The peg doesn’t know that.” Jeb replied.

“Here, this is what you want,” Vresh said, handing him a foot that looked something like if peanut brittle had been made out of bubbling crude oil. The surface was rough and bumpy, black and a bit shiny.

“The heck is this made out of?” Jeb asked, setting aside the ultra expensive leg.

“It’s-“

“Bedrock beetle,” Vresh interrupted the salesman. “It’s a giant beetle that grows in tropical locations. They do well in captivity, and the Sh’kethis export their shells to the north. They are often used as structural reinforcement and low-grade armor. It’s cheap, light, and very tough.”

“How do they kill them, if they’re so tough then?” Jeb asked, rapping the foot with his knuckles. It was hard, but had a bit of give to it.

“Carbon monoxide poisoning.”

“Ah. Feels like that was a stupid question,” Jeb said, checking the interior of the foot. “Oh my, that is a lot of storage space. I could keep a pint of hooch in here.”

“Please don’t.”

“I’m kidding, it’ll probably be an illegal weapon.”

The salesman glanced between him and Vresh nervously. “Sir and madam, we don’t condone the alteration of our products in a manner inconsistent with the law.”

“If your boss asks, just lie about what I said, because I’m not gonna.” Jeb said, hefting the foot. “What is that, half a pound? I like it.”

“Once we get the alabaster spackle smoothing over the outside, you can be seen in public with it.”

“What do I need the spackle for? I could be seen in public with this.”

“But It looks awful,” Vresh countered. “Commoners and mercs wear it for armor.”

“Well, nowlook at who’s suddenly concerned with appearances.” Jeb said, crossing his arms and raising a brow. “I’ll have you know that appearances are fluid. And if I get famous enough, shell-based accessories could eventually be in vogue.”

“That’s a lot of ‘ifs’ and ’could’s’.” Vresh pointed out.

“Just two. Also, I don’t particularly care what your son thinks about my taste in feet.”

“Please do not call my uncle my son.”

“I mean, according to the law…”

Vresh’s eyes narrowed.

“Yes’m.” Jeb shut his mouth and re-organized his brain so as not to make that joke again. Tease a girl once and it’s funny, but it’s a fine line to walk between endearing and annoying.

Jeb intended to walk that line. Jeb wanted their first official, legally expedient date to go swimmingly.

How it became shopping for feet was a bit of head-scratcher. Jeb had planned an afternoon of kicking ass, followed by a spa treatment and dinner. But Vresh had other ideas, and had dragged him off to shop for feet.

Did she enjoyshopping for fake feet? Shopping in general? Or was it because she liked him and wanted him to benefit from their date? All of the above? None?

Jeb wasn’t exactly the best judge of women’s intentions, which was why he operated on a conservative dating policy of not overextending himself until he knew what was actually going on.

Jeb checked the price tag on the beetle-shell foot and blinked. Damn, she was right. That ischeap.

“Can I get five of these made?” Jeb asked.

“Of course sir, let me just get your measurements,” The clerk pulled a measuring tape off his shoulder and got the measurements of Jeb’s legs in a handful of seconds, scurrying off to the back of the store.

“So I’ve been wondering.” Jeb said once the salesman was out of earshot. “Why a prosthestic store? I mean, I understand why you’d take me, but not why you’dtake me.”

Vresh smiled. “You would have bought the ‘air-peg’ and bankrupted yourself.”

“That’s not…guaranteed.” Jeb hedged, unable to deny her assertion completely.

She laughed, then the amusement slipped away. “Haggling and shopping with you is so much less stressful than dealing with my family.”

She leaned up against the wall and cocked her head. “As for why we’re having a date here?” She waved her hand to encompass the shop. “None of my immediate family members are missing any limbs. They’ll find it much harder to justify spying on us, like they would’ve if we’d gone anywhere else. Although I supposed I wouldn’t be surprised if he cut one of my cousin’s hands off just to get in the door.”

“I was under the impression we were supposed to be putting on a show for your family,” Jeb said. “Makes it harder if they can’t surveil us.”

“Just for this date, I’d rather have fun.” Her piercing look make Jeb’s heart stutter in his chest.

“Are you having fun?” Jeb asked.

She seemingly rolled the thought around in her head. “Hmm…reduced stress, no responsibilities, mildly entertained by your tomfoolery. I suppose I could call this ‘fun’.”

“Screw you,” Jeb muttered.

“Oh? Screw me? Are you even capable of that?” Vresh leaned forward, her blouse shifting distractingly as she placed her lips next to his ear. Jeb could feel heat radiating out of her like an oven, beating against the side of his face like the desert sun.

“Tonight, I want you to plunge your fingers in the flame of a candle for as long as you can and think of my…heat.” she whispered, giving him goosebumps and a shiver straight down his spine.

“God-damn, you were supposed to be here to make it easier for me to walk,” Jeb said, grateful for his long overcoat as Vresh pulled away, her velvety laugh making things worse.

I’m probably gonna try that, though, now that she put the idea in my head. Damnit.

“You’re a confusing specimen.” Vresh said. “Most people aren’t attracted to people outside their species. At least the normal ones.”

“I would claim to have a special attraction to you, but I won’t lie: I’m fairly sure most humans find you very hot.”

“Ah, a double entende.” She said, nodding sagely.

“They’re so hard to do now because of this vow.”  Jeb grumbled.

“There, there,” Vresh said, patting him on the shoulder. “I’m sure you’ll be able to make puns again one day.”

“It might be sooner than you think,” A familiar voice from Jeb’s left made his hair stand on end. And not in the good way, like a moment ago.

Jeb’s neck creaked as he turned it to face a seven-foot tall skeletal monster in black robes with gold runes covering them from top to bottom. The most dangerous keegan he’d ever had the displeasure of meeting in person.

Magically, he made Jeb seem like a squalling infant.

“…What are you doing here?” Jeb asked as he felt Vresh tense beside him, her body heat flaring up as the adrenaline hit her system.

“Shopping,” Vex said with a shrug, plucking the ‘air-peg’ off the shelf, snorting before putting it carefully back. The man was fastidious. Like the unibomber.

“Shopping for what?”

“An apprentice. Svel’tor got an apprentice fifteen years ago, and she won’t shut up about it. So she ‘founded a nation’ and ‘raised a country out of the ocean itself.’” Vex said, making air quotes. “Her grandstanding makes me sick. Just wait until I wave you in her face.”

“…How about no?” Jeb asked.

“The man with The Destroyer on a leash,” Vex said, ignoring Jeb. “And that was before I taught you what to do with it.”

“I don’t have The Destroyer on a leash.”

Vex paused, mouth open. His tube-like tongue waggled in his mouth for a moment before he closed it and cocked his head.

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t give myself any direct control over The Destroyer.” Jeb responded. “There are many, many clauses in the contract that state that neither of us are to interact with the other. Direct control over The Destroyer would give her a chance to interact with and potentially sabotage me through communication and her interpretation of my commands. No, the primary goal of the contract was to subject The Destroyer to astronomical levels of behavioral therapy.”

“So you…can’t…wipe entire countries off the map by unleashing the monster the gods themselves fear?”

“That would be stupid.” Jeb said. “If I could do that, someone like you would immediately swoop in and turn me into a mind-controlled puppet. I can picture you thinking about it right now. Let me reiterate. I. Have. No. Control. Over. The. Destroyer.”

“What if you wished Mab was dead?” Vex asked, leaning against the counter and seeming more amused than Jeb had anticipated.

“It’s not really control at all, more like…The Destroyer universally wants to destroy everything. The contract prevents her from destroying a long list of things, and the gods are the final arbiters of everything that’s not on the list. If I say the word, the gods become aware that Mab is not on that list, and can then make their own decisions.”

“So in essence…you let The Destroyer off her leash.”

“Nope, the gods are the ones doing that. I have no control over what they do with the information.”

“But you know exactly what they’ll do.”

“Not if the behavioral therapy works,” Jeb said with a shrug.

“Ahahaha!” Vex broke into uproarious laughter.

“Jebediah trapper, you are the most cunning and paranoid person I have met that isn’t clinically insane. Wonderful. You passed the test.”

Jeb’s skin went cold. “Test. What test?”

“I can’t have strings attached to my apprentice from day one, you know. You handled that contract about as well as could be expected. No strings.”

“I never agreed to be your apprentice,” Jeb said.

“…True…” Vex twiddled his thumbs, a delicate play of multicolored Myst spinning around them. “I’ve seen you working with the fingerpaints the ‘gods’ hand down to mortals and I’m impressed at what you’ve done with them, but it’s still fingerpainting.”

“Wanna learn some real fuckin’ magic?”

Jeb frowned, his lips pursed, glancing at Vresh, whose jaw was clenched tight.

“Just because he’s the evil sack of shit that killed my father doesn’t mean it’s not a good offer. That…thing is a literal creature of legend, and if the apprenticeship offer is legitimate, It’s a clear path to greatness.” Vresh said, her eyes narrowed. “Although if you accept the apprenticeship I’d appreciate it if you attempted to kill him at least once.”

“Noted,” Jeb said, turning back to Vex, who was glancing at Vresh. “What about the bomb? Are you going to take it out or what?”

“Oh that?” Vex waved his hand dismissively. “That went off already.”

“Bwa?” Jeb stumbled over his words. “But I’m still alive.”

“Yes, nuclear bombs have a habit of creating untold destruction and upending the world order. Like devastating a capital city…or making a superpower behave itself.”

“Wait…The contract was the bomb?” Jeb asked, his mind bending at the sheer weirdness of the fifth dimension and how it interplayed with the real world.

“Excellent leap of intuition. Kes’thuali’s contract was the bomb resurfacing in the real world. Object of Terrible Power goes in, Object of Terrible Power comes out. It’s the law of Conservation of Meaning. I’ve got a book on the mechanics of it in my study. Which you would have access to, if you were my apprentice.”

“…Fine.” Jeb said. “I’ll be your apprentice.” I probably don’t have much of a choice anyway.

“Excellent!” Vex said, clapping his skeletal hands together in glee. “Not that you had a choice, but your willingness to participate will make the whole process much more pleasant.”

“It’s when you say stuff like that, it makes me question my decision.” Jeb said, eyes narrowed.

“You’ll get used to it. Now let’s…” Vex opened his mouth, glanced at Vresh, who was still glaring at him. “Actually, how does tomorrow afternoon work for you? I do have some lessons to plan, after all.”

Is this guy seriously being considerate of my date? How does he go from ‘you had no choice’ to ‘I’ll leave you kids to it’? Jeb wondered for a moment before he answered.

“That’s fine.” It wasn’t like Jeb had a nine-to-five. He mostly freelanced. Just as quickly as he arrived, the ancient Sindio vanished, disappearing in a cocoon of pinkish Myst that warped the fabric of spacetime.

“So,” Jeb said, turning back to Vresh. “You wanna-“

“Give me a minute,” Vresh said in a strangled voice, her eyes watering, jaw clenched. A moment later she glanced back down at Jeb.

“I had fun,” she said, turning to the door and marching out at top speed.

Jeb crossed his arms as he watched his date storm out onto the street, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. Yep. The universe conspired to screw my date over.

Vresh probably needed time to process Jeb working with the guy who killed her dad on principle because her uncle, who was now her son, refused to pay his ransom and let him die.

Her and me both.

Well, she didhave fun right up until the end. Should I be the one who asks for a second date? It’s this kind of shit that I have no idea how to handle.

Dating before the Stitching had not prepared him for this level of complexity.

Or maybe it’s just my life that’s complicated…I wonder if I should pick something up on the way home for the orphans or the mad scientist that lives in my basement?

…Yeah, it’s my life.