Chapter 8: Fairies Ruin Everything (Patreon)

The kitri’s droning echoed through the massive vaulted halls, bouncing off the polished stone that seemed to compose every bit of the palace.

“Do not itch yourself in an unseemly place, do not spit, if you must cough, cover your mouth with your shirtsleeve.”

“Those seem specifically human,” Jeb said as the kitri gave them a final briefing on their way to the audience with the emperor.

“I spent an evening tracking down some other humans and compiling a list of things that are rude for humans to do. Do not make a jerking motion at your waist then fling imaginary semen at someone.”

Jeb blinked. “That is rude, although it never occurred to me to do it until just now.”

“Ugh!” Piwaki gave a barely restrained grunt of frustration. “Just don’t.”

“Got it.”

“And Borg, your restrictions are going to be tighter than Jeb’s. It would likely be for the best if you were to restrain from speaking or…doing anything aside from walking in and out of the room.”

“Understood.”

Jeb glanced over at Smartass walking beside them, looking a little sick as she clutched her stomach.

“And that’s why I told you not to go partying with those teenagers.” Jeb said.

“They understand me!” Smartass said. “You’re not my dad, get off my back!”

Jeb patted Smartass on the head, but she brushed him off with a scowl.

Aw man, where’d my cute fairy go? Jeb thought as he walked. Hopefully when she was done growing she would settle on an attitude, and Jeb would be able to get his bearings. Until then, he supposed there was nothing to do but weather the rapid mood shifts.

“And it would probably be for the best if Smartass…waited outside.” Piwaki said, wincing.

I can see that,Jeb thought, but he wasn’t going to agree in earshot of Smartass.

“You think I’ll embarrass you? You think I’m dumb, don’t you? You’re treating me like a burden, just like Jeb! Fine, I don’t wanna be here anyway!” She screamed and ran away, clutching her stomach.

Why was she still clutching her stomach? Jeb thought, frowning.

His attention was ripped away from the emotional roller-coaster that was Smartass by the sudden application of various makeup by three kitri women literally cooing over him.

Kitri women were smaller and had less colorful plumage, and their beaks were shorter. They were less like Big Bird and more like giant pigeons. It was a bit of an ungenerous thought, and Jeb desperately held in his laughter as a gaggle of giant pigeons applied makeup to his face.

A moment later, Jeb and company were ushered towards a gigantic set of double doors.

Jeb could make out a faint silvery Myst trailing every step he took, etherially pushing him along.

Is that the emperor’s Myst? Jeb thought. He briefly considered what might happen if he tried to counter the Myst or fight against its push, but he thought better of it. For now, he was just satisfied with being able to see it fairly well.

Now was not the time to experiment. Jeb didn’t want to get hit by a meteor that shoved him into the throne room, or some other destructive, ridiculous outcome that would result in order to force him to arrive at the emperor’s summons.

“Jebediah Trapper.” Jeb heard the sound of his own name as the doors opened, revealing the throne room in all its glory.

The ceilings had their own atmosphere, and the breadth of the hall could easily accommodate several professional sports. The floors were shiny and covered in mosaics that seemed to move of their own accord.

In the center of it all was a familiar Kitri sitting upon a gilded throne.

It was spectacular, and that was the point.

To the left of the emperor was several carts of shiny things. Jeb didn’t dare to hope they were his.”

“Welcome, Mr. Trapper. I hope you don’t mind that I took the liberty of assembling your prizes from the Impossible tutorial for your perusal.” The emperor said.

Hell yeah!Jeb suppressed the urge to fist pump. It was probably on the list of things that were rude to do in front of the emperor.

“Much appreciated.” Jeb said, glancing around. There were courtiers with tired expressions, the people who attend every game out of brand loyalty. Then there was Vresh, sitting in the spectator seats with her uncle beside her.

What are you doing here? Jeb said with his eyebrows.

Legally adopting my own uncle takes a bit of bureaucracy and the blessing of the emperor, what did you think? You should probably stop staring at me now, because ignoring the emperor is rude, she said with her eyebrows. At least, that’s what Jeb got out of it.

“The true reason I came here is to ask for a rather large favor.”

“I see. And do you have anything to offer in return?”

“I have little aside from myself,” Jeb said, sticking to the script that the valet had drilled into him yesterday.

“Your self is sufficient. Tell me, what trouble do you need my assistance with?”

“I’ve got a nuclear bomb in the Accolade section of my System Status, and it’s gradually killing me,” Jeb said, watching the surrounding courtier’s eyebrows, hackles, and feather-manes go up.

The emperor paused on his throne for a moment.

“Could you clarify?” the yellow bird-man asked, going off-script.

“Back in Solmnath, I fought a sindio for reasons that are probably classified. In the process of doing so, I entered the Fate dimension to retrieve and disarm a nuclear device. In the process, it became embedded in my fifth dimensional form. It is literally a part of me now, and I’d appreciate it if the empire could provide me with a referral to someone capable of performing fifth-dimensional surgery.”

“And once the nuclear device is out of you, what happens then?”

Jeb’s mouth opened.

Then it closed.

Leave it to this guy to ask the hard questions.

“We’d have to disarm it.”

Something that they had failed to do the first time.

“And when the bomb kills you, do you anticipate collateral damage?” Emperor Pikaku asked, leaning forward in his throne, seeming more invested than he had been before before, now that the problem was truly an interesting one.

“Probably.”

“And do you have a time frame?”

“Longer than two months, would be my best guess.” Jeb said.

“We see. You’ve presented us with a challenging problem, something that we find amusing.” He turned and crooked a finger at one of the nearby clerks, beckoning them closer before he whispered in their ear.

“We will send out inquiries to the empire’s more…powerful acquaintances, and see if any of them are capable of the procedure you require, and if their time can be bought.”

“That’s the result I hoped for,” Jeb said.

“Given your…volatility, we’ll have to have you banned from the city until such a time as you are not carrying humanity’s most atrocious weapon inside you. We beg your forgiveness.”

“No, I get it,” Jeb said with a shrug. He was planning on making himself scarce if he felt like he might explode.

“There is a cottage to the northwest of the city that you may rest while we await responses. Piwaki knows where it is.”

“You want him to blow up the lake house!?” Piwaki asked before clapping his hands over his mouth.

The emperor chuckled. “It’s about fifty miles away from the capital, no neighbors for a similar range. The property is owned by our sister. We’re sure she’d be fine with you living there for a short while. The land is lovely. It would be a fine place to die, if nothing else.”

“That will do nicely,” Jeb said, nodding as Piwaki vibrated where he stood, his neck locked straight. Borg was wisely keeping his mouth shut.

Doing what he could, and giving Jeb a good place to die was about the best offer he expected to get out of these people. Not that throwing Jeb in a prison under the palace would have been a viable strategy, given his explosive nature.

Jeb might have to take a different route than just sitting on his ass, but the idea of sitting on a porch overlooking a peaceful lake moments before exploding did have a romantic feel to it.

Too bad Jeb was too stubborn to die with dignity.

I guess the rest of this meeting is just wrap-up, Jeb thought, glancing around. Well that was relatively simple.

“Now, our apologies for the belated nature, but we’d like to take this opportunity to bestow on you the rewards granted to you by the Impossible Tutorial.

The Kitri reached off to the side of his throne and retrieved a black babydoll t-shirt, with large black print on the front.

I survived the Impossible Tutorial

And all I got was this stupid

T-SHIRT

Jeb’s jaw hung open, his eyes flickering back and forth, trying to figure out if the entire Kitri empire was trying to punk him. Even if it was, he couldn’t exactly cuss out the emperor without losing his shot at getting help.

“Uh…..” Jeb was at a loss for words as his brain struggled to catch up with the empire offering him a babydoll T-shirt in all seriousness.

No, wait. That joke is too…human.

“Did…Ron set that up?”

“Indeed.” Emperor Big-bird said with a honking chuckle. He shook the shirt lightly, causing motes of light to slough off of it as the shirt unfolded into a chainmail onesie made of a blueish-grey metal, with links so small that he couldn’t even see them at this distance.

“The Myriad Armor can look and feel like anything the user wishes while still offering complete protection from most physical attacks. It’s also self-repairing and heat-moderating.

Jeb’s jaw dropped.

Sign me the fuck up!

“That’s so practical!”

I have plans for you, a less practical part of Jeb’s mind laughed evilly and rubbed his hands together. Jeb resisted the urge to look at Vresh and picture her in bikini armor.

I’m a simple man. I like stupid shit. And one day, I WILL see a woman in functional bikini armor. Even if I have to give up an absolutely powerful, versatile artifact that would probably save my life multiple times.

Hmm…actually having a hard time justifying this.

Vresh in a V-style bikini armor, the tight lines dimpling her crimson skin.

Oop, there it is, justification complete. What was I THINKING?

“Yes, Ron thought you would like it, and left it as part of your share.” Emperor Pikaku, Best Emperor, first of his name, Uniter of the Continent, and super awesome dude, shook the armor again, turning it into a handkerchief and folding it before he passed it off to a steward, who carried it over to Jeb.

Jeb suppressed a happy squeal as he shoved the armor in his vest pocket. Squealing didn’t jive with the serious image he’d built up with the world at large. Instead he gave a stone-faced nod.

“I’ll put it to good use,” Jeb said, keeping his voice gravelly with all the seriousness he could muster. He wasn’t lying. ‘good’ is subjective.

“Bring the rest around.”

The single cart full of shinies turned out to be three, wrapped around behind the throne.

Each one was covered in a variety of objects, ranging from amazing to butt-clenchingly dangerous.

Does that vial of infinitely replicating magical insects have a crack? Jeb stared for a moment. Nope, just my imagination.

The cart was filled with the bizarre, but a few things stood out to Jeb.

First was a lifelike crystal heart that looked very familiar, down to the striation pattern in the stone. It was about the size of Jeb’s fist, though, so the scale was all wrong, the last one he’d seen was the size of a two-story building.

“Is that…

The emperor stood up, spreading a hush through the courtiers as he approached, picking up the clear heart.

“The heart of a titan? Yes.” He said with waggled eyebrows. “Think of it like a seed. Bury the heart in a location, and it will begin to draw in myst and build a body based on the surroundings.

“Like the world tortoise and the mountain?” Jeb asked, his eyes following the ultra-dangerous heart.

“It takes a few hundred years, but yes. Our, as you call them, ‘scientists, begged me to allow them to use this heart to make a titan composed of pure patriotism.”

“How could that go wrong?” Jeb asked sarcastically.

“Yes, we had our reservations as well, so we would prefer you keep this heart locked away.”

“I’m amenable to that.” Jeb didn’t really have that pokemon bug that made people wanna know what kind of monster they could make by burying the heart in various places.

I mean, unless I bury it in a bathhouse and make a marble bathhouse titan, whose spawned monsters are bathing attendants who -no! Shit, I just caught it!

Jeb shook the thought out of his head and reluctantly decided to do the responsible thing and not dabble with a titan.

Risking his ownskin by trying to make Vresh wear bikini armor was one thing, but Jeb couldn’t risk other people’s safety so cavalierly.

Next on the list was…a collection of stamps.

Yay?

Jeb picked them up and frowned. It was an old leather-bound book filled with  stamps. They were old human stamps with Benjamin franklin on them, pictures of boats, people he didn’t recognize, and insanely low prices.

This one says half a cent.

How is this a magical artifact?

Jeb inspected the label beneath where the leather scrapbook had rested on the cart.

After the Stitching, this particular collection of stamps was steeped in so much Impact of such a specific nature that it spontaneously became magical. There are one thousand five hundred and thirty seven stamps remaining within. Each stamp, when removed from the book and adhered to an object, will see that object delivered to the intended recipient in a timely manner.

More stamps may be required for heavier objects.

“Well, that’s interesting,” Jeb murmured, setting the book back down. Valuable but more of a logistical value than anything else.

Next was a compass made of painted wood, but it only had two markings on it, a heart, and a skull. At the moment the arrow was pointing at the skull.

Human symbolism again, Jeb thought with a frown, inspecting the inscription beneath it.

This compass allows a User to mentally put forward a plan of action, and the compass needle will point towards sex or death, giving a fairly accurate estimation of the odds of either even happening.

Oooh. Jeb’s brows raised, and he picked up the compass.

Going on a date with Vresh.

The needle blipped for a moment, moving away from the skull for an instant before re-settling on it.

Yeah, I suppose there’s a good chance it would kill me. What about telling her I think she’s pretty and establishing a relationship built on honesty?

The needle blipped again before re-settling on Death.

Okay, lets establish a control question where I would 100% be sure to get laid.

How about I take my satchel of gold coins down to a high-quality brothel and hire a prostitute for the night?

The needle blipped hard, nearly reaching halfway between the two before settling back on Death.

Damn thing’s busted, Jeb thought with a scowl. I’ll just hang on to it…just in case it fixes itself. If the emperor had anything to say about Jeb slipping the compass into his pocket, he didn’t bring it up.

There was a case of eighteen wedding rings, a mistake made by a master enchanter. Originally they were meant to allow the wedded couple to communicate telepathically on command, but there was a misnumbering, and eighteen rings all got the same ID, allowing anyone wearing one of them to talk to all of the other bearers at once.

That’s not bad. I bet a team could benefit from those under the right circumstances, Jeb thought, moving onto the next item.

He could see why the group left these rewards here for him to claim. Aside from the armor Ron had donated, the objects were…rather limited in their scope.

There was a ring shaped like a mobius strip that flickered with strange letters and numbers.

The Ring of Venaxus constantly scrolls with knowledge just barely beyond the viewer’s ability to comprehend. Created as a study-aid for a particularly lazy demigod.

“TAKE THE RING!” Borg shouted in his ear, attracting the entire audience’s attention.

“And you are?” The emperor asked, his gaze landed on Borg.

“Borg. I’m a satellite phone inside a terminator packed with memes.” Borg said, offering his hand.

The emperor shook it.

“Eddie says to take the ring.”

“I got it,” Jeb said, picking up the silvery band of metal, watching the strange words and formula he couldn’t make heads or tails of scroll by.

“What good is stuff I can’t understand?”

“You write it down.” Borg said slowly, as if he was talking to a child. “Then you study until you do understand it, using the information as a –“

“Goalpost,” Jeb said, nodding. “I understand now.” The description did say the knowledge was barely beyond the user’s ability to understand.

The blessing of infinite achievable goalposts was a subtle thing, indeed. A lot of scientists would probably kill for that ring, as it became more valuable the more well-studied you were.

Jeb was pretty sure he was looking at calculus, which he’d never completed, since it wasn’t a required subject.

Eddie would probably see much more interesting things circling the ring.

Stephen Hawking would have seen things that would have provided him the right questions to peel back the true nature of reality and advance science for all of humanity.

Jeb saw calculus.

Well, I’m probably gonna have to do some more studying in the adventuring off-season, you know, assuming I’m still alive at that point.

Jeb slipped the ring onto his other hand, away from his Appraisal ring. He didn’t want the two of them fighting each other for space.

“Are you an intelligent undead? Who made you, and why are you not trying to eat everyone you see?” The emperor seemed really interested in Borg for some reason.

“Well, Ron did, actually. Ron and Eddie. And the reason I’m not eating people willy nilly is because they fused my consciousness with an AI that is running in tandem with the curse of undeath, sort of providing a system of checks and balances…”

Jeb zoned them out and moved on, checking out the next cat packed with goodies. His eyes wandered through them like he was at a garage sale until he found another crystal seemingly grown around a crimson red liquid with a tiny bubble of air in it.

Blood of the first vampire.

DO NOT OPEN.

Hmm… Jeb carefully set it back down and continued perusing.

Deed to Bittersnarl Manor.

*Note* No owner of Bittersnarl Manor has ever returned from a visit. Visiting not recommended.

Ooh, an iron lantern.

Fairy-repelling cold-iron lantern.

Imbues normal lamplight with the aspect of cold iron which fairies find repugnant. Good for traveling through fairy-infested country or putting on your porch to keep those vermin from stealing your babies.

“Hah,” Jeb chuckled as he lifted the lantern. He was struck by the sudden impulse to show it to Smartass, before he realized that the little fairy wasn’t with them.

I hope she’s doing okay. The fairy had a tendency to get into trouble, and part of him wished he’d been able to keep her within line of sight.

Jeb mentally tugged on the bond between the two of them for the first time since he’d tracked her down in the docks, It certainly felt like Smartass was still alive, and…

Guilty!?

What did you do!? Jeb thought, his eye twitching as Borg and the emperor continued to discuss Borg, a subject the undead robot was happy to indulge in.

There was a little spike of panic when she noticed Jeb’s attention on her, then a tidal wave of lavender Myst slammed through the building in the blink of an eye like an EMP.

Every magical device temporarily short-circuited, including the Myst-based overhead lighting that had kept the audience hall bright and shiny.

The entire audience hall and everyone in it was plunged into darkness.

I’d be a fool not to take advantage of this, Scion. A woman’s cold voice echoed through the hall as a massive, brilliant white circle opened up beneath Jeb, engulfing almost the entire audience hall, barely stopping short of the seating.

Jeb’s heart surged, and he made to fly away, but bonds of unbreakable Myst engulfed him like a powerless insect, dragging him down into the glowing light beneath him.