Chapter 213: Quirks (Patreon)

“Wanna run that one by me again?” The Hash’Maje asked. Calvin could hear the teacups rattling in place as papa Entredez’s eyebrows raised.

“Kala got killed, but I took care of it, invented a cure for death and am currently persuading her to take it, but she’s still a little hesitant. I’m guessing it’s mild PTSD from getting murdered.”

How could you possibly think this was the right approach to this situation!? Kala demanded.

Haven’t you ever heard, ‘honesty is the best policy’?

Not here!

The Hash’Maje eyed him critically, scowling over his tea. “And what happened to the one who did it?”

Calvin pointed a thumb to the massive glassed crater in the distance, studded with a several hundred foot Abyssal steel tower in the center. It was much deeper underground. They were seated on the balcony of the hastily assembled hotel for foreign dignitaries.

Uleis was always a neutral territory, and it was also the territory in question. It made sense for the leaders to meet there, except for the obvious logistical nightmare of hosting it.

“I can’t say.” Calvin said when the Hash’Maje’s eyes widened at the sight of the crater.

The Hash’Maje chuckled. “And how would you propose to bring her back to life?”

Calvin explained his theory of blueprints and substituting Bent constructs with real matter. Papa Entredez listened carefully, eyes narrowed.

“That actually sounds…plausible.”

Of course it sounds plausible, I used it on myself.

“You’ve got one month to bring my daughter back to life. If, at the end of thirty days, you fail to produce a living, breathing, happy Kala…” the well-manicured man failed to elaborate, but Calvin got the jist.

“You seem a lot more calm than I thought you’d be.” Calvin offered, sipping his tea.

“How do the kids say it these days? I’ve seen some shit.” Calvin’s In-law gave the crater a thousand yard stare as he warmed his fingers on the cup.

That should NOT have worked, Kala said. Telling him the truth should result in imprisonment, torture and beheading. Maybe not even in that order.

He’s my father in law. He’s obliged to cut me some slack.

Still…

Once again, honesty is the best policy. Now let’s go get ready to lie our asses off to important people from around the world. lying is the best policy.

Calvin excused himself and left Kala’s father at the balcony gazebo to digest the news. He walked over to the fancy door leading to the hall and opened it.

His father-in law was standing there.

“Ack!”

“One. month.” He said, poking Calvin’s breastbone.

Calvin reflexively glanced over his shoulder. The Hash’maje was still there, watching him.

He looked forward. No looming figure.

“Okaaay…” Calvin said, heading into the hallway.

You still got off easy.

***

Calvin was heading for his room when he was distracted by an odd scent from down a side-hall. It was flowery, with an acrid undertone. He stopped in his tracks, peering down the dimly lit hall.

That’s the hall for minor delegates. I wonder what’s down that way. Calvin had other things to do, but they weren’t urgent. His feet turned to the side, and he began sauntering down the hall.

Where are you going? Kala asked.

“Just curious.” Calvin replied, following the scent to one of the farthest rooms down the hall. The door was closed, but he could feel the scent emanating from behind the door.

He could also hear muffled shouting.

“You stupid wretch, my drink is warm!”

“I’m sorry ma’am, the ice is-”

“You knew we were going to Uleis! Pack some Icefish bones! I swear, you’re not worth the money I spend on you. As soon as we return to Gadvera, consider yourself out of a job. Maybe sooner.”

“ma’am, I did pack them. The Icefish bones were-“

“I don’t care! They’re not in my drink, and that’s what matters. I swear, you lowborn plebes think excuses can substitute for results. You’re little better than animals!”

The last thing the woman said sent a shiver down the back of Calvin’s neck, a shudder of…hunger…anticipation. There was something hanging in the air, some amorphous concept that he wanted to…break…somehow.

Calvin was drawn through the door as if some huge magnet on the other side had pulled him, sliding to a halt in the center of a well-appointed room. The woman who’d been speaking was just past her thirties, reclining in the middle of the room in a brass tub, wearing nothing but bubbles.

“Actually,” Calvin said, holding up a finger, but his well-reasoned statement was drowned out by a shriek and a flung glass full of blue liquid.

Calvin ducked out of the way and grabbed the crystal out of midair, catching a small amount of the drink that remained in the cup.

He tasted it. It was pretty dry.

What on Marconen are you doing!? Kala demanded.

“Prince consort,” the woman said, gathering herself and covering her chest with her arms as she sank lower into the bubbles. “What brings you here?”

She glanced at her servant, a harried looking young woman with sweat beading on her forehead.

“What are you hanging around for, get me a towel!”

Calvin pulled up a chair and sat down beside the woman’s bathtub.

What’s her name?

Elise Tremond

“Ms. Tremond, I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation and I agree,” He shook the glass. “This is swill when it’s not cold.”

She relaxed just a tiny bit into her bathtub.

“Surely that’s not the only reason you’re here, young man? Did I do something to catch your attention?” She asked, raising her chest out of the water a couple inches, just enough to show a bit of curve.

Nadia scoffed in his head. Kala made a sound that reminded him of gritting teeth.

Kurawe was silent.

Elliot suggested the woman sit up further.

My audience has gotten rather large without me even realizing it.

“Ma’am, you draw attention wherever you go, and had I the pleasure of seeing you sooner, I would’ve introduced myself then and there. I’m actually making the rounds, visiting the power-players of Gadvera, introducing myself.”

She’s not a power player, her family is minor nobility. They only matter insomuch as she throws money into her noble faction, but even then, she’s minor. Kala said.

“As you can tell,” Calvin said, pointing down at himself. “I don’t exactly have deep roots in Gadvera.”

“So you married the princess and stole them?” She asked, brow raised.

“Maybe so,” Calvin chuckled, “But what I really crave is understanding. If you could tell me about your family’s history, I feel like I would give me another key to better understand Gadvera as a whole.”

“You want to hear about my family’s history?” She asked quizzically, brows furrowed.

“More than anything.” Calvin breathed.

The servant girl came back with the towel, and Elise angrily waved her off, refusing to take the length of cloth.

The servant girl folded it down beside her and scurried off, and Elise adjusted her posture, smiling up into Calvin’s gaze.

“So you see, it all started with –“

She sat up! Whoo!

Calvin, you better not look.

Do as you wish, Ravager.

They’re not as good as mine.

Calvin ignored the peanut gallery and focused on the woman’s words, engaging her in a deep conversation about her family’s history.

It took a while, but eventually Calvin wrapped the conversation back around to the sentence that had triggered all of this.

He didn’t know why, but he needed to convince her to recant her statement about peasants being next to animals.

It took over an hour, but by Using Confidence, Mesmerizing Eye, and bringing her great great grandfather’s history as a stonemason into the equation, he was able to find a chink in her mental armor, drawing her to pierce it herself, using leading questions like a Mucha fighter’s cape, directing her to slam into her own weakness.

Finally, he got what he needed.

“Gods,” Elise said, putting her hand on her cheek in sudden realization. “I’m just like the woman who drove my great-great grandfather off of his land.” She glanced over at the young woman desperately trying to fade into the wallpaper.

“Nisa,” Elise said, climbing out of the bathtub and taking the serving girl’s hand. The young woman seized up, totally confused and flustered at the sight of her master standing naked in front of her.

“I’ve been treating you awfully. You deserve better than that.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can change, but I’m going to try to at least hear you out from now on.”

Elise glanced down at herself, her eyes widening. “Gods, I’m all pruny, I was in that bath far too long.” Without another word, she ran for the bedroom deeper into the large room.

Calvin sighed, stretching out his legs with satisfaction.

What the Abyss was that? Nadia asked.

I agree. That was strange, Kala commented.

You know how you see a sheet of ice and you have that feeling where you have to crack it with your feet?

No.

Can’t say that I do.

What about slime molds that burst with slime when you poke ‘em, and you can’t resist poking each and every one of them with a stick?

I’m pretty sure that’s a boy thing. Nadia said.

Jumping into mud puddles?

We’re princesses, Calvin. Kala said.

Calvin sighed, scratching his head.

It felt like something I had to do. There was something there. I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was, only that I could sense it, and it was deeply gratifying to break it.

Seems like it might be another one of your undead traits manifesting. Nadia said.

I thought so as well, Calvin thought, nodding.

You probably have some kind of compulsion to save damsels in distress! Kala said, her voice brightening. You’re a good undead! I would expect nothing less from my husband.

Unaware of Calvin’s internal dialogue, the servant girl, Nisa sank to her knees, heaving a sigh of relief.

“That was a miracle,” Nisa said, staring down at her shaking hands. “I’ve never seen anyone change her mind before. I was sure I was going to be out on the street when we got back to Gadvera.”

“You’re welcome,” Calvin said, standing, aiming to leave.

Nisa wrapped her arms around herself. “If I didn’t have this job, I would have to work in a brothel to feed my family…I don’t think I could bring myself to do that.”

Calvin turned on his heel to face the thing that hung in the air between them. He needed to break it.

“It’s not as bad as you might think,” Calvin said, turning back to Nisa. “It’s just a job, like any other. I know some wonderful women who make their living in pleasure houses, and they tell me that, like any service job, it has its ups and downs, but the majority of the work is simply listening to and comforting lonely older men with lots of disposable income.”

“Really?” Nisa asked, her eyes glittering with tears.

“Oh, sure,” Calvin said, shrugging. “If you decide to go into that line of work, don’t throw yourself anywhere out of desperation. Be smart, shop around, find a place with a good reputation and good clientele, and you could be earning your current monthly pay every night.”

“Every night?” she breathed, blinking.

“Every night.” Calvin said with ‘Confidence’. “If you like, I could introduce you to some of the ladies I know, they’d be happy to tell you more about it, give you a tour if you want.”

“…okay,” Nisa squeaked, her cheeks turning red.

Calvin gave her Perthea’s information and left, waving as he went.

Calvin walked down the gilded hall, hands in his pockets. The voices in his head were unusually silent. Well, that was weird.

AHAHAHAH! Nadia cackled wildly. 

A compulsion to save damsels in distress? ‘you’re a good undead!’ Nadia mocked with a saccharine sweet voice. You read so many smut novels that it made you soft in the head! What, do you think he’s gonna glitter in the sun?

S-shut up! It’s not a crime to be optimistic!

Calvin shook his head and mentally shut the two of them out, their conversation impeding his ability to think.

Any idea what the Abyss that was, Elliot? I had very little control over myself. It was like a puddle appeared in front of me, and jumping into it with both feet was the thing to do.

I don’t know what the conditions for triggering it is, but the way you described it…it could be learning behavior.

What?

Jumping in puddles, poking things with sticks and stomping on sheets of ice are all learning behaviors of children. If this sudden compulsion really feels like that, then it’s possible this is a learning behavior, allowing you to get used to your new body, adjusting to its needs. 

And if it is a learning behavior, like jumping in puddles, there’s a good chance you’ll grow out of it.

I took a couple semesters of developmental psychology. Elliot said, pride radiating from his voice.

Hmmm…

You did grow out of jumping in puddles and poking things with sticks, right?

Mostly?