Chapter 144: The Blender Spell (Patreon)

“I’m going to get some wasps to fly it out of the city,” Calvin said, raising his arms. Before he could cast Calvinian Summoning, Grant’s hand grasped his shoulder.

“The damn thing has an aura that seems designed to ruin your day, kid.”

“Explain,” Calvin said, eyeing the monster barreling down the streets as terrified civilians dove out of the way. As it came closer, Calvin’s eyes were able to make it out. It looked emaciated, with paled flesh sucked in tight against a lean ribcage with token breasts and a wildly extended torso. The creature had ungainly joints that seemed like they would have no chance of ever working, yet moved the creature along the ground with something deceptive agility.

It was walking on all fours, and its gaze never left the palace as people scattered in front of it.

“It made Nadia pop like a soap bubble just by touching her, and it severed my connection to my swords, albeit with a bit more effort.”

“Well of course it took more effort, the aura color was magenta. Whatever color the connection to your blades was wasn’t in direct opposition.” Kala said.

Heads turned to look at the dark-skinned princess.

“Did no one else in the room notice that the green smoke of Chained spirit is the direct opposite of magenta on the color wheel?” Kala asked, brows furrowed.

“Everyone else in the room has a penis.” Grant replied.

“Yeah, why is that?” Kala asked.

“Umm…”

“Anyway,” Calvin said, clapping his hands. “Monster running amuck? We will finish this conversation the moment it’s taken care of.”

He turned to Grant. “What’s my best option?”

“Good old fashioned muscle,” Grant said. “It’s not going to take any damage from your fancy tricks, so we’ll have to find a way to lure it to a good location and ambush it.”

“Lure, like with bait?” Calvin asked, thinking. “I’m a master baiter.”

“Now who’s off topic?”

“It attacks Nadia on sight, has the perfect counter to half my arsenal, and went straight for the Filter. Chances are damn good it’s after me,” Calvin said. “So I’ll be the bait.”

“You think that’ll work?” Grant asked.

Master Baiter

Calvin stepped outside onto the veranda and waved his arms wildly, shouting at the top of his lungs:

“Hey, I’m Calvin Gadsint, look at me!”

The monster below them stiffened, zeroing in on him. A haunting shriek filled the air, and the creature’s speed redoubled, climbing over buildings to get to him.

“Right. I’ll assemble the palace guard to the courtyard below. See if you can draw it in there.”

“On it,” Calvin said, jumping over the railing.

Shifting.

Mayfly/Celestial Body

11/35

Calvin’s perception of time seemed to slow as his weight became a bit above thirty pounds, his weight distributed into the palace grounds.

The four story drop didn’t even bother him as he landed on the balls of his feet and launched himself up and over the fence, bounding through the air like a soccer ball.

Alright, how do we deal with this? Calvin’s first instinct was to get on a wasp and get out of the creature’s range while taunting it. If it couldn’t fly, it couldn’t actually stop Calvin from going wherever he wanted. But that approach had a handful of problems.

First problem: By all accounts the creature was sapient. Flying up and out of the thing’s reach would simply encourage it to stop and think before it either burrowed underground to grow stronger, or took a hostage that Calvin cared about. Or found a way to reach him.

Second problem: It made Calvin look cowardly and weak. Nevermind if it was the most efficient way of baiting the thing without getting injured, now that Calvin was in the politics game, he had to worry about Optics.

He had to look brave, which usually meant doing something stupid.

No time like the present. Calvin thought as he uncapped the Warp Tank.

Calvin bounded up on top of the nearby manor and waved at the monster.

It leapt over the building between them and landed in front of Calvin, snarling at him, skin retraction from an elongated muzzle with a human face attached to the front.

It was unsettling.

“Hi there,” Calvin said, meeting its eyes. “I don’t suppose I could interest you in not attacking anyone and just going away?”

Mesmerizing eyes.

Calvin felt a faint headache as his mutated eyes took effect. Calvin didn’t get much opportunity to practice these, but this seemed like a good opportunity to get some information.

Assuming the creature could speak.

The creature let out a growl that raised the hairs on Calvin’s neck, then it started to change.

The arms folded, removing an entire joint, while the back folded downward, spines retreating back inside the corpulent flesh.

In a moment, he was looking at something that could almost be mistaken for an old woman.

At least, if she had clothes on.

The folded spine and the lips that ran the length of her neck said otherwise.

“Calvin Gadsint,” She said with a smile. “I look forward to tearing Origin out of you.”

“Origin?” Calvin asked, before his memory put the details together. “Oh, you’re with One. How is he doing by the way?”

The headache grew a little more painful.

“He’s a fool,” the creature said. “He could grow far further, far faster, accomplishing his goals, if he wasn’t dead set on regaining his soul. What good would ceding control to Origin even accomplish?”

“I thought you were looking forward to tearing my soul out?” Calvin asked with a raised brow.

“Of course, it’ll be like winning a lottery, an orgasm, followed by decadent chocolate cake. Just because it’s pointless doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy it. You humans enjoy pointless humping all the time, don’t you?”

Huh.

I don’t think you’re gonna be able to talk her out of this. Elliot chimed in. I hardwired One to prioritize getting me back over anything else in the event that he could. Up until recently, he was unaware we existed, but now…it’s on.

Can’t you just tell him to stop?

Don’t wanna. Hey Stretchy, you look like a slinky fucked a poodle and you suck at killing Calvin!

The creature’s forearm twitched reflexively.

Why are you making it difficult for me? Calvin asked as his eyes began to sting. Holding the creature to passivity had gotten a lot harder.

Tough love. Gotta make sure you grow up big and strong. That and I lose nothing in the event of your death.

“Son of a bitch,” Calvin exhaled. Every once in a while Calvin forgot that Elliot didn’t actually care about him in the slightest.

Calvin lunged backward, breaking eye contact with the creature. An arm unfolded and a serrated claw lashed out of the creature’s palm, nearly severing Calvin’s head.

Calvin reflexively batted the arm upward, ducking under the strike and continuing to shuffle backwards, putting at much distance between himself and the monster as possible.

Extensive training has increased your Attributes!

+1 Kinesthetics

11/34 Warp remaining.

It had a much better reach than Calvin, unfolding into its combat form in a split second and using its long arms to harry him off the side of the building.

When Calvin felt his right foot step back onto open air, he allowed himself to fall backward, narrowly dodging another strike. He was weightless for a brief moment before he pushed off the roof with his toe, hurtling toward the opposite building.

How did you know the Mesmerizing Eye would work? Elliot asked as Calvin gripped a windowsill with white knuckles and dragged himself through the air into the main street, barely outpacing the creature following him.

I figured a mutation might work, seeing as it doesn’t spend Bent.

Ah.

Calvin hit a street lamp and jumped off of it with every fiber of strength he could muster, barely able to keep his feet as he landed on the glass street.

Extensive training has increased your Attributes!

+1 Strength

10/34 Warp Remaining

There were a few stragglers on the road, but they ducked into open doors and alleyways when they saw what was chasing him.

It’s catching up. Thing’s a good sprinter over short distances.

Calvin glanced over his shoulder and saw Elliot was right. He finally saw the magenta aura Kala had told him about, and it had compressed around the creature’s limbs. The way the thick magenta smoke flexed and swelled reminded Calvin of muscle.

As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what it’s using it for. Calvin thought as it rapidly gained on him, even with his perception of time dialed all the way up.

I need more speed.

Me relative to the ground, my fist relative to me. That should do it.

Calvin did a quick jab, like he was trying to pop someone in the nose before they could react, shifting the mass of the palace floor into his hand before it began to slow down.

“Whoah!”

Calvin shot forward, his arm trying to wrench itself out of its socket as his three thousand pound fist kept travelling forward without any regard for his bones, dragging him along behind like a ragdoll.

Air brushed the back of his head as the creature tried and failed to cut him.

Once Calvin’s body caught up, he managed to force himself into a semi-stable, semi-upright situation, all the muscles in his arms, chest and neck crying out in pain. Calvin’s feet were hovering in the air, bracing for the moment they made contact with the ground again, and it was taking every fiber of concentration not to get flung around by the forces he was riding.

+1 Strength

+1 endurance

+1 Kinesthetics

7/34 Warp remaining.

Holy crap! Do it again, we can go faster than this!

Elliot wasn’t wrong. Calvin could punch forward with his left hand and switch the mass to it. The acceleration would be relative to the speed he was already going, guaranteeing an increase in speed. It was in theory unlimited speed as long as he kept punching.

In practice, All Calvin would have to do is mess up the timing on a single mass switch and his body would literally tear itself apart. Or hit something. Or simply go so fast that wind pressure battered him to pieces.

No, this was fast enough.

We’re going plenty fast. Calvin thought as he glanced behind him at the creature shrinking behind him. I’m raising my Attributes more before I go any faster than this. And you’re in time out.

Boo.

There was a whizz of displaced air as a needle shot through Calvin’s shirt, missing his stomach by a fraction of an inch.

Here’s the gate!

The gate to the palace courtyard stood open and apparently empty, but Calvin hoped that was just a façade.

I hope I didn’t get here too quick, He thought, shifting the weight out of his fist. Once his hand stopped dragging him around, he juked left, diving through the gates and tumbling into the courtyard. It would really suck if Grant was still rallying the troops.

Calvin sprinted for the fountain in the center of the richly appointed area, diving behind it a second before another round of needles embedded themselves in the ornate glass.

Calvin peeked up to check out the situation. The creature took two steps into the courtyard… peering around the low hedges.

“Uninpressive trap. I can see you. Hear you breathing.” It said. “All of you.” The creature’s skin seemed to shiver, and dozens more quills shot out into the low hedges.

On a related note, how expensive do you think it is to keep a lawn in the desert? Gotta be expensive, right?

The hedges burst into motion as several dozen palace guards launched out of their hiding places, meeting the creature with a clatter of sword against claw.

Calvin glanced to the side and saw one of the men still behind the hedge, foaming from the mouth and convulsing, a quill in his arm.

Oh boy, that’s not good.

He glanced over his shoulder and studied the fight. Things were going…not great. Men were being thrown around like rag dolls, only to stand up again, brandish their swords and charge back into the fray, bleeding from multiple injuries. They didn’t seem to be wering it down very quickly, but there were a lot more palace guards than monsters in play, and the moment it seemed like it was going to end someone, another person stepped in to save them.

Their teamwork was good, but it still amounted to little more than throwing their bodies at the problem until it went away.

This is what separates Wizards from their underlings, Calvin thought. The monster was distracted from Calvin for the time being, and he mentally dismissed the effects of Master Baiter to make sure it stayed distracted as long as possible. He needed to think.

It would make things so much easier if I could just make a few wasps with the strength of titans to go tear the damn thing to shreds. If only magic worked on the damn ting!

Wait.

Magic worked against it just fine.

It hadn’t canceled Calvin’s Shifting spell because it had never come into physical contact with it, and the spell had certainly prevented it from killing him.

I just need a way to kill it without touching it with the spell. Calvin thought. He glanced up at the brawl going on in the courtyard.

The creature was lithely stepping around attacks, returning with her own.

There were a few wounds in its torso and limbs, but they didn’t seem to bleed very much, healing in front of his eyes.

That doesn’t bode well for a battle of attrition.

Calvin glanced up at the massive gates that dwarfed even the ten foot tall creature. Thick glass, big around as an old oak tree.

Idea.

“Calvin!” a harsh whisper yanked his attention over to where Kala was sliding in beside him, dressed in her leather armor. “Are you okay?”

“Fine, but it’s not looking good for the reinforcements,” Calvin said, glancing over at the ongoing battle. Grant was bludgeoned halfway across the courtyard, cracking the glass floor when he landed.

“What do you need?” Kala asked, meeting his gaze.

Several hackneyed options flitted through Calvin’s mind in an instant. Go get safe. Don’t get kidnapped. Etc, etc.

Kala was tougher than that. More useful than that.

“Help them. Try to push it closer to the gate.”

Kala nodded and leapt to her feet, thin Abyssal Steel blade clattering on her side.

Gods, I hope this works. Nadia, get me some Bent.

From where? Nadia demanded. I’m nowhere near a brothel.

Improvise.

***Nadia***

Impatient bastard. Nadia thought as she sprinted through the hall, searching for a victim.

Prove you can handle it. Elliot said, his voice wry.

Nadia spotted movement out the corner of her eye, where a palace maid was carefully mopping the floor, trying to blend into the tapestries.

Not today you don’t! Nadia thought, jumping out at the woman.

She gave a light squeak as Nadia skidded to a halt in front of her.

“How much for second base?” She demanded.

“Excuse me? I –“

To the Abyss with this, Nadia thought, grabbing the woman and dragging her into a kiss. The woman protested for a moment before relaxing into Nadia’s arms.

***Calvin***

Calvin touched the Bangputty on his belt.

Shaping.

Shaping.

Shaping.

Shaping.

Dupdomancy has reached level

...

Calvin was halfway setting up the trap when six more Bent came rolling in, allowing him to finish with a few to spare.

There, you happy? Nadia demanded.

Keep it coming. I don’t know if this is going to work.

Nadia grumbled and shut off the connection, presumably to ambush some chambermaids.

Here goes nothing, Calvin looked over the battlefield. Kala had done as he’d asked, rallying the soldiers and pushing the creature closer to the gates.

He glanced up at the gates. They were laden with thousands of pounds of bangputty.

It’s dynamite.

You’re still in time out.

Bah.

Trait Doctoring.

Calvin held the spell until he saw an opportunity. The creature flung Kala away from itself, and he took the shot.

Calvin imbued a shell of air around the creature and the gate with the strength of the Abyssal steel marble in his hand, making a massive bubble containing the two of them, then went on to do the same to all the air around each of the fighters.

Splitting.

Calvin put his head down and triggered the Bangputty with God’s fire, eyes squeezed shut.

There was a rumbling detonation that shook the ground, but it wasn’t nearly as strong as he’d been expecting.

Calvin had been expecting to be bleeding from the ears.

Did it counter the spell?

He peeked over the quill-studded fountain, and spotted what looked like an egg made of dust and blood, with boulder-sized chunks of the palace gates rebounding on the inside too quickly for the eye to see.

Calvin dismissed the spell holding everyone in place, and noticed a few people were able to wiggle a little even before he let them out, namely Kala and Grant who were almost unaffected.

Natural resistance?

Could be something like Beli Ma in their aura makes it harder to affect things close to them.

Gradually, the razor sharp glass boulders came to a halt. The glass must have had some flex that allowed it to bounce for so long. Interesting concept.

It looks like you put a person in one of those bullet blenders.

The creature was little more than a fine soup on the bottom of the egg.

Once Calvin was sure there weren’t going to be any pieces of glass flying out, he dropped the Trait Doctoring spell. They were met with the unpleasant smell of blood mixed with acrid smoke.

Damn. Where’d you get the idea for that?

Your lecture on shaped charges.

Ah.

“Grant. Grant!” Calvin said, grabbing the aging general’s attention while the palace guards poked at the mulch.

“Yeah?”

“Get our people down to the pit.” Calvin said. “The people who control that pit control the city.”

Grant nodded and broke off at a jog, aiming for the inner city.

“And Kala?” Calvin asked, turning to face the dusky skinned princess in time to see her curiously poke the mush of monster guts and lick her finger.

“Yeah?” Kala’s voice come from behind him, where the princess was exiting the palace, wearing her usual yellow sundress.

“In the urgency of the moment, I forgot to ask you about your doppleganger,” Calvin said, pointing a thumb at who – or what – ever was taste-testing the souped creature.

“Oh right, her.”

Notifications started catching up with Calvin as Kala started speaking.

Dupdomancy has reached level 22!

484 pounds, 110 minutes

Trait Doctoring has reached level 7!

343 pounds, 49 minutes, Strength, viscosity, Identity.

3/34 Warp Remaining

Please Select an Ability or muta –

Not now, Calvin thought as he wiped the notifications away, refocusing on Kala.

“Wait, what did you say?”

“She’s the Fractal mimic from the Filter.”