Chapter 168: BBQ (Patreon)

“I fail to see how this helps me.” The air thrummed in Garth’s chest as Carnifax spoke.

“It helps because it creates a paper trail.” Garth said. “In the future, when Earth starts reintegrating with the Inner Spheres, they’re going to stop seeing you as a god-thing and start seeing you as a paycheck.”

“One of the – and I use this word with great reluctance – good things about the Inner Spheres is that they will consider the rights of any creature that can communicate. I mean, nine times out of ten they’ll throw them right out the window, but they’ll consider them.”

“This,” Garth said, tapping the contract floating in front of him, “Creates a paper trail that says ‘yes, Carnifax, Hunter of Dragons is a person and can integrate into society as well as the next giant dragonfly.’”

The two of them hovered in midair a quarter mile above the mountainside, across from them Chi’tet was supported by Garth’s magic, her antennae trembling in the first stages of barely restrained panic.

“And this Article of Incorporation drafted by our lovely Chi’tet here, would prove intent to join the Inner Spheres as a solid citizen.”

“You, human, want me to enter an agreement that forfeits one eighth my catch, on the slim chance that one day I may need to prove myself amenable to laws made by tiny, filthy, two legged stickflingers?”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Garth said. “It’s only an eighth, twelve point five percent is considered a pretty low tax rate, all things considered.”

The minivan-sized eyeballs studied Garth for a moment.

“Ten percent of any dragons caught, beyond the first dozen each month. I will not starve myself for your silly paperwork.”

“fifty percent.” Garth said immediately. “You don’t even thing you’ll catch that many.”

“Twenty percent. You seem to be confident I will.”

“A third.”

“A quarter, and no higher.”

“Deal,” Garth said. “Could you draft that up, Chi’tet?” Garth handed the contract to Chi’tet.

“On the ground, maybe.” Chi’tet said.

“Should we take this to the pond?”

“No wizard, I want to see what I’m paying for.”

Haven’t paid for it yet, Garth thought ungenerously as he rolled up his sleeves.

“Don’t try to shrug off the contract after this,” he said. “’cause I can instruct the swordfish to defend themselves.”

“That would be amusing.” Carnifax said. “Maybe I’ll ask you to do that.”

“Or make them go away.” Garth said. Swordfish were the most reliable source of high-energy flying protein that Carnifax had available to her. According to her, the taste was bland and a bit tangy, but it was thanks to them she was able to survive without raiding human settlements or scouring the globe for her favorite snack.

Garth had her by the short hairs. Not that dragonflies had short hairs.

“Less amusing.”

In the distance, Alicia and Caitlyn came wobbling up to them, bearing the brightly colored rocks, Alicia clutching her wand in a death-grip. She seemed a little pale.

They were really starting to come into their own over the last couple weeks, magic-wise. Garth himself had difficulty with the Fly spell for a long time, but it was expected for a magic duel to include the sky as an option, and they were doing great, considering the lack of a class, and the limitations thereof.

“You got it!” Garth said, taking the neon colored rocks away from them and cooing. “Who’s a good apprentice? You two are!”

Alicia’s anger got her over her fear of heights long enough to give him a withering glare. It was odd she was afraid of heights because at a certain level of Endurance, terminal velocity was no longer terminal.

Caitlyn just gave him a judging look.

“This means you’re both ready for the next phase of your training.”

Alicia sighed in relief.

“Chase these down, grasshoppers.” Garth said, imbuing two mini swordfish with a burning desire not to get caught. The tiny fluorescent fish darted away from Garth and went swimming out into the sky.

Create Life proficiency has reached 11%!

Yay!

Caitlyn and Alicia both groaned and set out to catching the tiny flying lures. Garth watched them as they went. The two of them were wearing form-fitting flying leathers for reduced drag, and that worked out just fine for Garth.

The two of them were very different fliers. Garth hadn’t thought people would have different flight patterns, but he supposed that probably applied to everyone, especially beginners.

Alicia would wobble forward slowly, then put on a burst of speed, trying desperately to snatch the irritating creature out of the air, while Caitlyn maintained a higher average speed, but didn’t handle the turns quite as well, plus she got flustered when the little fish flew back in her face, closing her eyes and slapping haphazardly.

Garth cast one last glance at Alicia’s strained leather pants before turning his attention back to the matter at hand.

“Alright what was I doing?”

“Ogling.”

“Ogling.”

“Before the ogling. Ah right,” Garth said, focusing on the latent nature mana in the area. He was stronger then he’d been before he died now, and this was his first opportunity to really test it.

Give me a creation that exudes a scent irresistible to dragons, luring them to their doom, a perfect trap plated with gold.

Garth grew a spore into a peanut sized seed then launched it down into the side of the mountain. It landed in a very carefully chosen spot, then sent its roots deep into the earth, grinding through stone and pulling the miniscule amounts of gold up.

The tree burst out of the ground and unfolded into something resembling a cross between a weeping willow and a quaking aspen. As it grew, its rounded, coin sized leaves gradually turned a warm gold as the rare mineral was gradually pulled out of the ground and stored on the outside of the leaf.

One the tree was done growing it looked, from the air, like nothing more than a massive pile of gold, twenty feet high and forty feet wide, even though nothing could be further from the truth. Each quaking leaf sent golden beams of reflected light, creating a dazzling effect that was visible for tens of miles in every direction: as long as you were viewing it from a couple degrees above it.

The people at Santo Descanso had their view blocked by the mountainside, as a precaution. It wouldn’t do to lure people in with the glittering tree.

The scent though, that was even better. The wind that passed through the leaves of the tree would not only carry the scent of gold, but also pheromones that would make dragons stupid aroused. The smell was that of an incredibly attractive underaged female with an obscenely large horde.

Dragons weren’t super bright. The oldest ones could think rationally, but the younger ones were all spit and vinegar, and would generally rob whoever they pleased to build their glittering nests.

Garth briefly considered. What if dragons are another creation similar to my hunter-killers? Self-replicating treasure seekers, tougher than the average creature, and able to bully the average person’s wealth away from them. Or perhaps whoever made them had some specific circumstances, like pesky gold littered the ground, and he never expected them to become robbers. Who can tell? It’s an interesting thought though, all these monsters with inexplicably strange behavior.

“That’s a shiny tree, human, But we will have to wait and see if-“

the faintest screech caused Garth and Carnifax to turn their heads and focus on the southeast, where a tiny red dot was flying toward them.

“How about-“

“Wait.” Carnifax said, watching the dragon approach. This did seem like an excellent opportunity to test the effectiveness of the lure.

Over the next five minutes, The dragon continued to close on them, but rather than pay any attention to the four people and one enormous hunter floating in the sky, the young red dragon flew down to the lure, prowling around it for a few seconds before mounting the tree and humping it with glazed eyes.

“I’ll take five of them, a hundred miles apart.” The dragonfly motioned to the north and then the south with a single clawed leg. “Across the coastline.”

Kind of like a hunter’s trap line. She really does have an instinct for this, doesn’t she?

Garth glanced down at the dragon beneath them copulating with his tree. “Celebratory barbeque?”

“That’s not enough to satisfy me, let alone-“ Carnifax was interrupted by another screech in the distance, accompanied by a red smudge on the horizon to the west.

“I find myself now somewhat concerned about depopulation.” Garth said as they watched the second dragon approach them. This one was significantly larger.

“Hmm.”

“BBQ?”

….

“I’ll make you a pond.”

****

“Try an inner loin, that’s where they’re juiciest.” Carnifax was luxuriating in the makeshift pond while mandible deep in the larger dragon. The smaller one – that being a relative term – was slowly being disassembled by the dozens of cleaver-wielding men and women of L.A. to make rich steaks.

Dragon had a strong flavor, that when seared over a fire with some barbeque sauce, became amazing.

Might be even better with Grampa’s S.O.W. sauce, Garth thought to himself as he chewed the slightly tough meat. And a good tenderizing.

Garth’s organized crime unit sat on one side of the firepit stuffed with slow-cooking dragon ribs wrapped in foil, watching Carnifax with wide eyes, barely touching their food. Except for Fred, who seemed to dismiss the giant dragonfly and focus on sampling all the different parts a dragon had to offer. Heather was clinging on him again, and the young man seemed to bear it with tired acceptance.

Wore him down, I guess.

Each of the young men was starting to show huge leaps in their progress on a diet of strict training and a quart of Garth-Aid™ in the morning. Garth was tight fisted handing out attributes at first, but it rapidly became apparent that he had more than he was ever going to use, what with the thousand of purified goblin cores falling into his Processor every hour.

At this point Garth figured having an entire city of noble-level people would work in his favor better than an underground lake he couldn’t use. They’d be much more able to defend themselves that way. The likelihood of someone getting strong enough to give him the finger was pretty slim, not only attribute-wise, but also the fact that Garth controlled the very ground they walked on, and his creations patrolled the air they breathed.

Plus… Garth glanced around at the ancient, rotted out buildings around them. Never gonna let that happen again. Not when I could have thousands of people capable of stepping up to the plate.

Chi’tet, being an honored guest, was sitting to Garth’s right on a large cork seat, while Alicia and Caitlyn were seated to his left. Between them was Thomas, who, when he wasn’t stuffing his little face with expensive dragon meat, was making doe-eyes at Caitlyn.

Paul was out of town for work, but his kids and wife were halfway around the fire, chugging down mug after mug of Garth-Aid™

I wonder if it’s safe for pregnant women? Garth pondered.

Aliens of various sizes and shapes stopped by for a dragon steak, greeting him as they passed by. It had taken some time, but Mrs. Banyan was able to establish order in the refugees he had essentially kidnapped, by virtue of her omnipresence, intelligence, and kindness.

When the alternative is death, things tend to look pretty palatable. Garth thought as a seven and a half foot tall minotaur gave him a smile and a meaty salute, slapping the bloody steak in his fist against his forehead before devouring it.

I miss Brian. I’m pretty sure that guy was a minotaur genius.

Wolf Wildlings meandered in and out of the party, loping along on their hands and feet, helping themselves to bits of the dragon. Ragnar’s tribe had wandered back within Grass’s range and he’d extended Garth’s invitation.

Wolf wildling women had a certain charm, if you were able to overlook the fur and odd proportions, and the uncanny valley humanoid features. They were lithe and whipcord muscle, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

They were easy to understand, too. If they didn’t like you they would tear a chunk out, as one minotaur discovered, to his apparent amusement.

The city wasn’t quite such a taco fest anymore either with the inclusion of the aliens and wildlings, but it was still about a three to one ratio, not including Mrs. Banyan’s many bodies.

Better than three hundred to one, I guess.

Garth surveyed the chaotic party that Mrs. Banyan was just barely keeping under control. His enhanced eyes could make out even more enthusiastic partying in the woods under the supposed cover of darkness.

Normally that would have gotten a chuckle out of Garth, but he was preoccupied with what-ifs. What if the inquisition is stronger than I thought, what if that horny bastard shows up again?

“G-Garth?” Alicia said, the name seemingly sliding past a lump in her throat.

“Yeah?” Garth glanced up and spotted her bright blue eyes riveted on his. She didn’t look away.

When she’d come out of her room the morning after her tickling and come across Chi’tet, her reaction to the ant-faced person had been predictably hilarious, but then Chi’tet had let Garth’s name slip and things had become really awkward. He hadn’t warned Chi’tet.

Garth hadn’t put much value on keeping the secret at that point, but Alicia’s reaction had been less than ideal, involving some shortness of breath and white knuckles.

She hadn’t tried to seduce him in weeks, which was disappointing. Needless to say she hadn’t shown up the next day either.

Well, at least she knew where he was coming from now.

“Are you all right?”

“Just thinking about everything that could go wrong.” Garth said, flicking a bit of dragon gristle into the fire and glancing up at the mountains.

Maybe if I take a page from the fight with the wiretaps and set up an optical security system with lasers. That would probably be a pretty good first line of defense, and Grass would get some eyes.

“The empire?” she asked.

“Nah, more of an interdimensional thing.” Garth said, leaning back and staring at the fire, meat dangling between his index and middle finger.

“You…wanna bitch about it?” she asked hesitantly, still somewhat spooked by his Identity. Caitlyn wasn’t spooked. She was wiping barbeque sauce off Thomas’s face for the umpteenth time. Garth wondered when she would get wise to the kid’s ploys.

Garth briefly considered Alicia’s offer, echoing his own a couple months ago. Oh, now that you think I’m Destroyer of Worlds, my mental health is a priority, Garth thought sarcastically.

Mental health is always a priority, especially when you already went crazy once.

“Sure,” Garth said, pushing past the urge to be vindictive, tossing the last scraps in the fire and licking off his fingers before walking towards the dark woods.

He glanced over his shoulder. “You coming?” Alicia looked stunning in the flickering light of the bonfire.

Alicia shot to her feet and followed, and a minute later, Garth’s Arcane Eye caught Caitlyn excusing herself to follow them.

That nosy little brat, Garth thought to himself, shaking his head with a grin.

Alicia Denton

Human

Non-citizen of the Inner Spheres

-Strength- 25 - Capped

-Endurance- 20 - Capped

-Speed- 30- Capped

-Intelligence- 20- Capped

-Memory- 25- Capped

-Senses- 30- Capped

Blessings: None

Class: None

Skills: Fencing, Close Quarters Combat, First Aid, Etiquette, Mana Channel*, Mana Wielding*, Spell Theory*,

Spells: Aiding Wind, Force Armor, Fly, Force Shield,

Evolutions: None