"Why don't we share that?" (Patreon)

What happens when there are parts of someone we love, sides to them, that we don't share together? Interests, desires, experiences, identity... We can't always be the one to explore it with them. It can ache but also be beautiful to watch them do that with other people. 

Mononormativity says romantic love is a merging of identities, that two become one. So, a partner seeking fulfillment elsewhere would mean something's missing in the relationship. If we believe that another person is actually our other half, then not having access to all of them means we don't have access to all of ourselves. It puts unrealistic and unnecessary stress on the dynamic. This happens in polyamory too, though it's often more subtle. But we can still pathologize differences of desire, or think that something is wrong if we aren't sharing certain things. 

When is it actually a problem? When do we push and try to connect more? When do we accept the relationship as it is? I'll go through a few of these questions today, with anecdotes and examples to illustrate. Maybe it can be of service to you. 🙏

Timecode:

• 0.00 Intro
• 01.42 Distrust, shame, secrets. When and why are things withheld? Is it always a bad thing?
• 04.47 Roles, power differences, and feeling left out. (e.g. navigating a work friendship, or asking myself why I want to be more included in my partner & metamour's connection)
• 08.47 Barriers beyond our control. Rejection, bad timing, differences of desire. (e.g. one person doesn't want sex with the other, or their life goals / plans aren't compatible)
• 11.47 Social conditioning. "Two become one" mentality. Stressors rooted in mononormativity or amatonormativity. If we exclude people from parts of our lives, can it be a discussion rather than a default?
• 15.16 Outro

Captions auto generated by Patreon; Transcript at the bottom of this post via Otter AI

Warmly,
Morgan