Things to consider when helping a partner support someone else (Patreon)

I was 17 and watching my caregiver get ready for a date, when her phone rang. Her boyfriend had to cancel. His friend was in crisis and really needed help that night. She hung up, put her hand on her chest, and said, “I love that I’m with a man who would rush to his friend’s side like that.” It really stuck with me. She talked all the time about putting community care over individual comfort, but seeing it in action was something else.

Letting go of couple-centricity isn’t always easy. In mononormative culture, the erosion of friendship or absence of community gets treated like a normal part of building the nuclear family. Even in polyamory, we can fall back into this idea that a romantic dyad should always matter more than other people. While I don’t think it’s necessarily a problem to prioritize interdependent relationships, I’m wary of enforcing that to the detriment of others. Community-centric care does mean we’ll be inconvenienced or disappointed sometimes, that our partners may be needed elsewhere, or that we’ll be asked to emotionally support them after they give to someone else.

That’s the piece I want to talk about today. When a partner is less available because they’re helping someone else, how do we know what’s appropriate to ask for? If they want our advice or emotional support, how involved should we be? I’ll offer a few questions that help me, and maybe they can be of service to you.

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What is the current status of our own relationship? Is there consistency, give-and-take, a balance of emotional labor? Is there ever neglect, resentment, or a feeling of distrust? A partner giving to someone else can shine a light on our dynamic. Do I want to ask for more care or consideration from them? Do I want clarity on their priorities, or to have my expectations managed? If so, are they able to offer that? Depending on the situation, if I’m feeling scarcity or tension, I might not be the best person to help them show up for others.

Does their support role change long-term availability or priorities? If yes, what feelings come up for me? Maybe they are now a full-time caregiver to a disabled loved one, which means they live further away, and we can’t have spontaneous dates anymore. Or what if they decide to have a kid with another partner? It will probably change how much time, attention or resources they can give our connection. I try to acknowledge any mixed emotions, especially if they’re asking me to help them make this change. Is there grief, anger, frustration, surprise? Is there love, empathy, compersion, gratitude? These are not mutually exclusive; we can feel a lot of them all at once.

What does or doesn't my partner need help with? Do they want to just vent? Are they looking for solutions? Are they needing help with a specific task? Do or don’t they want physical touch? Just because they have a need, doesn’t mean I’ve got to be the one to fill it. If I’m drained or unavailable, I can suggest other ways to get the need met, or let them know when I have more energy and capacity.

What's my relationship to the other person(s)? Do I know them, might I ever know them, and in what way? A local metamour could have more intimacy in the polycule than a long distance comet. A friend of 20 years would probably be more complex than a person I’ve seen a few times at parties. If I know everyone really well, I could potentially offer great insight and effective care. But there’s also a risk that I’m too close to it. Based on how I know this person (if at all), what’s the weight of my involvement?

Could any of my own experiences be helpful? e.g. Let’s say I’ve never met the other person, but they're struggling with disordered eating, and my partner doesn’t know how to help. I’m intimately aware of what it’s like to be on the other side of that. Staying careful to not project the details of my situation onto theirs, can I still draw from my own struggles and strengths to offer solid feedback?

Could any of my own experiences get in the way of being helpful? Maybe they have similar trauma to me, and I get activated hearing about it. Or what if I feel like my partner regularly prioritizes their needs over mine, so this person is a tender subject for me? Is it hard to detach or see past my own situation, in order to be helpful? I’m not always the right person for the job, and it’s ok to say that.

Is it fair to ask for updates or outcomes? Is it fair to want to hear good news too? Being part of a secondary support system can make me feel invested in whatever happens next. Sometimes I only hear the venting, and never the nice moments or the healing. While I’m not “owed” updates, it can be encouraging to know how things are turning out, especially if my partner benefitted from my care. If I trust them to keep good boundaries, I’ll usually check in about it.

What is and isn't my business to know, see, or be present for? When caught up in venting or explaining things, it can be easy to share too much personal information. My general guideline is, “if this other person were in the room with us, would you still say all that?” (Except in cases of abuse, when harmful actions need to be disclosed, regardless of what the abuser thinks). But especially if it’s sensitive info, is there a way to discuss it without breaching privacy? e.g. To say “they are having surgery,” instead of “they’ve been wanting top surgery for a long time, and finally are getting it. They are nervous about it, but excited,” etc. If all I need to know is that it’s a surgery, then that’s all my partner needs to say.

Could supporting this partner act as a form of meddling or triangulation? e.g. If I have tension with a metamour, and my partner says, “this is what Morgan suggested you do” or “this is what Morgan thinks is best for us,” it would put me in the middle and likely cause new problems. Even with the best of intentions, could my role as a support person be tainted by my other role(s) in the community?

When should I totally recuse myself? Do I have a vested interest in how this situation plays out? e.g. Maybe I’ve been insecure about this person’s partnership, and would feel relieved if they broke up. If that's the case, am I the best person to guide them as they support that same partner? I try to be transparent about conflicts of interest. It doesn’t mean I never help, but those biases have to be factored in.

How do I know when to step back or get more of my own support? For me, I usually reach out to more people if I feel tired, distracted, irritable or quick to intense emotion. I might call for emergency backup if I struggle with sleeping, eating or other self maintenance. I’ve definitely overextended before, and given to people while depleting myself. It’s important to stay mindful of that, keep balance, and say no when I need to say no.

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It can be tricky to know where the lines should be, what is appropriate and what’s too much information. I’m usually negotiating and reexamining those lines often, and adjusting things whenever it feels weird or tense. It can be an ever-evolving dynamic. These questions aren’t comprehensive, but I hope they can aid in navigating your own complex support networks.

I hope you have a lovely week.

Warmly

Morgan