15 Questions for Long Distance Relationships (Patreon)

Good morning!

I hope you’re having a lovely weekend. Today’s resource will be a questionnaire, which I hope may be of service.

I’m often asked how to set boundaries in long distance relationships. That’s a big topic. Since there are so many variables, and it’s really context-dependent, I dont think it’s possible to make one-size-fits-all recommendations. Instead, I built out a few questions with the help of my own LDRs and close friends. I’ll offer these conversation starters to you here. If you’re currently navigating this with people in your life, maybe it can be helpful in finding your own tailor-made solutions.

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1. Do we even want or need to stay consistent? For some long distance connections, maybe its fine to speak less. Maybe we just catch up intermittently or when it's convenient, and that's ok. It can help to agree on that explicitly though, to avoid any rough surprises.

2. Are we facing any time zone barriers? If it’s not possible to have synced routines, can we stay creative on ways to bridge the gap otherwise? Where are the flexible moments in the calendar, the windows of time with which we can play?

3. Are we upset by the loss of physical touch? If yes, can we simulate touch from afar with weighted or heated blankets while on the phone with them, instructing each other to touch certain textures or hold ourselves tight, etc? And if it’s sexual, do we have the desire / access to use remote toys, have video sex dates, request custom erotic photos / audio messages more often, etc?

4. Are we missing the ambient interaction / parallel play we got from being together in person? If yes, can we plan more video calls where we just cook alongside each other or work separately, etc.? 

5. Are we making any assumptions about what will happen if / when we’re local again? e.g. "I expect you'll still be sexually interested and available to hook up the next time I see you." or, “I’m fine with you dating them a lot while I'm gone, but assume you'll deprioritize them when I'm back." Anything we think is implied, can we say it aloud, just in case?

6. Are we satisfied with the current pacing and ability for spontaneity? If no, do we share that feeling and have flexibility to switch it up?

7. Is there a lot of pressure on limited face-to-face meetings? If yes, can we try to relax a bit on what we expect from our trips? Can we agree to allow each other to have a bad day or not feel in the mood to be physical, despite only having a short time together?

8. Are there any financial constraints to seeing each other? If yes, are we talking about them openly and acknowledging what is and isn’t possible? Especially if there are class differences between partners, is there a frank discussion about dividing trip expenses according to ability rather than always assuming a 50/50 split?

9. Is there any ache about not sharing the same local community or cultural touchpoints? If yes, can we include each other in more anecdotes about local friends, or video call them at events to say hi to everyone, share more recipes or music to welcome them into our experiences, etc?

10. Are we feeling secure with the amount of information they share / don’t share about their local relationships? If no, can we name the blocks to those conversations? Can we strategize with them on what feels appropriate to know, when to say it, and in which format?

11. Are we satisfied with the amount of emotional and moral support we offer each other? If no, is it possible (and mutually desired) to change that?

12. Does anyone feel neglected or forgotten? If yes, is there space to share that without attacking or blaming each other? Can we name what actions or inactions set off that feeling? Can we name what might feel like an unreasonable request? It can also help to check in with ourselves, to see if our own histories and traumas might be playing a part in it.

13. Do we struggle to judge the state of the relationship from far away? If yes, are we clear on what could make it easier?

14. Are there any environmental factors that control our ability to see each other? e.g. If in the military, or working 12 hour days, or based in a conservative community where you’re still closeted, we might have less control and less opportunity to connect. Limitations like that can add a lot of stress, let’s just be careful to not blame each other for what’s beyond our control.

15. Are there any accommodations we might need to make for each other based on neurodivergence, illness or disability? And do we ever ask each other (or try to force ourselves) to behave in a way that’s just not possible?

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Not all stressors can be, or even need to be, “fixed” in my opinion. Naming them just gives us information, from which more specific bounds and care plans can be designed. We can trial-and-error them, we can A/B test. Long distance connections have a lot of moving parts, and sometimes we struggle for no discernible reason. If we stay teammates with the people we care about, we can hopefully find solutions as we go. 

If we ever do want a big change, we can ask if that’s something everyone wants, and if it’s even possible. If the dynamic can’t change though, maybe we then re-examine how we participate in it, or what we expect from it moving forward.

Just some thoughts for today. I’d love to know your feelings and reactions! Sending you love and I hope you have a great week.

xx

Morgan