Case Study: Expressing Non Monogamy on a Dating App (Patreon)

Good morning!

A few questions came in this week about how to describe our expectations of polyamory on a dating profile, and find matches who take that seriously. There are so many variables for each demographic, location and platform, so it’s tricky to give broad tips that apply to everyone. But I’ll offer insight on what I’m doing currently, and maybe that will be helpful.

Enclosed is a snapshot of how my profile looks on OKCupid. Note: This will focus only on how polyamory is addressed. I won’t really linger on how I describe my interests or express my personality, as that’s unique to each person and can’t really be used as a template.

Snapshot Description: I've marked the following on my profile: Woman, Bisexual, Femme, Non monogamous, Single, Aquarius, Other Political Views, Self employed. I eat almost anything, Don’t smoke cigarettes, Sometimes drink, Sometimes smoke marijuana, I have no kids and don’t want any, I have dogs.

The "About Me" section says: "Relationship anarchist, polyam 10 years. I have a few long term loves in flexible structures, and hoping to meet the next right person(s). Seeking new romantic commitments, and / or regular sexual and romantic friendships. I'm available 1-2x / week currently, though flexible depending on the connection. Please be interested in deconstructing and challenging hierarchies."

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Choosing an app

OKCupid is my preferred app for most connections, because it has a non monogamy filter. (I also use Feeld, because it has a kinky and polyam-friendly mission statement. It’s newer and more niche though, so the dating pool can be shallow. Sometimes I use Tinder for hookups, and FetLife for kink connections, too.)

So I like OKC’s filter, but it does include people who are “open to monogamy OR non monogamy”. While it’s valid to be questioning, and ambiamory is a very real thing, I personally no longer match with someone if they mention monogamy as an option. I can’t have the possibility that they’d either want mono with me someday, or drop me for a mono person. But that's not a deal breaker for everyone.

Signals in photos

I wear harnesses, collars and sometimes show the shorter nails on my dominant hand to draw in anyone who knows what those things mean. I’ve seen people with subtle flags and polyam symbols in their spaces, which also suggest a sense of community and commitment to this way of life.

I don’t include partners in photos. Mainly, it's to avoid false signals of hierarchy or hunting. There's no hard rule about this, though. If you live in a communal house with several partners, or have a group photo with friends and a partner, that can be lovely to see. It shows abundance without centering a specific person. My polyam is pretty parallel at the moment though, and dyad photos can sometimes be a red flag to people.

With that said, if you are in a hierarchy, or are only open to sexual encounters as a dyad, then it would be more honest to feature that person prominently and even link them to your profile. It’s just about accurately representing the situation.

Setting relationship status

I’m frustrated by OKC’s limited options here: single, partnered or married. All three could apply to me, but there would need to be asterisks and explanations for any of them. So I mark myself “single”, then expand on the nature of my relationships in the first few sentences of the bio (definitely not burying it down in the profile).

The main reason I use "single" is to separate myself from other cis bi women who are covert unicorn hunters (people who date solo at first, then bait-and-switch to push their partner onto you). A lot of singles are so exhausted by hunters that they filter out all partnered matches, just in case. And I get it. It’s just tough to differentiate the kinds of partnered people. I’d love to see more nuance in the status options, like “available” or “multi partnered”.

Of course, that’s a personal preference. The most important thing is to be transparent in whichever way feels organic to you.

Establishing current structure(s)

If a label fits, you can use it. If there’s fear of any misunderstanding, you can clarify it. I lead with “relationship anarchist”, but choose to not define that term. If someone doesn’t know what it means, hopefully they would self-select out. I do this to avoid being in the teacher role again. But other RAs choose to define it, even going into the Smorgasbord model, to separate themselves from people who misuse that label. Honestly, the bar can be so low sometimes, that if anyone cute drops polyam jargon on their page, I’ll probably still swipe right.

If there’s a current priority, we can be up front about it. (e.g. “Interested to find a co-parenting partner” or “focused on kink / play partners, as I’m otherwise polysaturated”, etc.)

Here's where I also mention deal breakers. I aim for positive framing (e.g. “please be interested in deconstructing and challenging hierarchies”) instead of rejection statements (e.g. “NO HIERARCHIES”). But again, that’s a personal preference. Both approaches will set the same boundary, just with a different vibe.

A quick side note for men, especially cis straight men: it may help to share specifics about the work you’re doing on yourself. Maybe discuss what you’re reading, or how you’re unpacking misogyny and mononormative ideals. You may experience heightened scrutiny because of how many bad actors enter our spaces from your demographic. But don’t despair, just be proactive in demonstrating why you’re safer to be around.

Establishing availability

Scheduling is a big part of polyam life, so let’s manage expectations about what we’re literally available for. Are we in a busy career path and not able to give a lot? Are we free of recent stressors and ready to focus on romance? Do these things match with the other person?

It can also be nice to comment on the flexibility of existing relationships. How much can your life open up to welcome someone new?

Flags in reviewing a match

For green flags, I value any discourse in someone's profile about intentional relating (e.g. they say up front they’re solo polyam and looking for a 1x / week partner), or clearly voicing their own needs / boundaries (e.g. they aren’t a fan of texting so would rather meet in person, but not at a bar because they’re sober). People who know who they are, what they need, and can put words to both are a great sign to me.

In terms of what to avoid, that really depends on what your buttons are. For me, I can’t date an unenthusiastic communicator (e.g. they put zero text on the profile, or only answer questions in one-word replies), unavailable people (e.g. they travel around in a van all year, so can’t be consistent) or anyone who wants an escapist partner (e.g. “looking for fun” or “no drama”). Whatever your buttons are, you can name the red, yellow and green flags accordingly.

Direct questions

Before taking a conversation offline, I will ask about structures and power dynamics. It can be as simple as, “So you mentioned you’re not monogamous. What does that look like for you at the moment?” or, “I saw you have a nesting partner. Can I ask if you’re practicing hierarchy?” This and similar friendly-yet-straightforward requests can reveal a lot.

Pay attention not just to what they say in response, but how they say it. Do they get defensive? Are they awkward or unsure how to describe their situation? Do they see your questions as a good thing and get more eager to meet you? It helps to get a sense of how comfortable someone is while talking about non monogamy, and what level of clarity they can offer. This usually sets expectations for how they’ll continue to communicate as you get to know them.

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It can be tempting to compromise when there aren’t many matches, or if you want someone really badly. And while that’s not ideal, it is possible to still take those risks. Just go in with eyes open. Set up your support system and be really mindful if you notice yourself falling into old patterns. If any part of you knows it's too dangerous for your mental health, that it's a blatant recreation of a trauma cycle, don't be shy in asking for support. Sometimes, it's not possible to walk away without help. We need community for a reason.

Dating can be thrilling and exhausting. Make sure you’ve got balance with it, and maybe pause if it’s taking more than it’s giving. Apps are not the only way to meet like-minded people, of course. Hopefully, there can also be meetups in your area around polyamory (or in communities with high overlap, like queer spaces, kink workshops, RPGs / DnD, etc). But apps can sometimes do their job, which is why I stay open to them.

I hope this can help. If you’d ever like to get into more specifics around connecting with new people, I'm also around for 1-1 chats via chillpolyamory.com 

Warmly,
Morgan