Is it Radical Honesty or Too Much Information? (Patreon)

Good morning cutie,

Today, let’s explore the difference between transparency and “too much information”. We want to avoid keeping secrets, but also want to avoid tactless delivery or over-sharing. How do we know the difference?

I’ve developed a few questions that we can ask ourselves to see if something is appropriate to share. I’ll also offer examples and practical applications. This is not wholly comprehensive of every possible angle or situation, but I hope they can be helpful conversation starters.

Would they care to know?

“Yes” – to manage expectations

e.g. I would care to know about a girlfriend’s new sexual partners. But, I prefer more clinical delivery of those details. “We had sex. These are their STI results and this is the kind of protection we did or didn’t use.” I don’t need her to paint a picture. We can ask to be informed, and also ask for delivery methods that would minimize reactivity.

“Yes” – out of morbid curiosity

e.g. Once, a sexually insecure partner asked which positions and toys I used with another person. “Is this helpful for you to know, or is the question more of a masochistic impulse?” Instead of sharing graphic details, I shifted the conversation to his emotions and fears. I also made it clear that my other partner would need to consent first before I could share that.

“Yes” — it’s fun or hot

Sometimes, if everyone is on board, it can be exciting to hear about our loved ones’ dates or sec. In that case, go for it!

“No” – it’s irrelevant

e.g. My comet partners said they don’t care to know about my sex life in between our rendezvous. That minutia doesn’t impact them on the other side of the world.

“No” – it triggers fear or insecurity

This one is trickier. Sometimes fear shuts us down. Maybe we tell ourselves we don’t “care” to know, but in fact we just want to avoid difficult emotional work. e.g. I might not always want to know when my NP is falling in love, but I would need to know about it and digest that info slowly as their love grows. Otherwise, when I do eventually find out, all the emotions would crash down at once. That’s never pretty.

Would it be appropriate for them to know?

“Yes” — no harm to anyone, then it’s all good

Yes” – but with limitations that protect third parties

e.g. Do I really need to know that my metamour’s partner had an abortion? Or could my partner just say she’s having a hard time and recovering from a medical procedure? I might need to know why they’re giving more time and energy to support her, but there are ways to say it without violating a third party’s privacy.

“Yes” – omission would cause harm

e.g. If my metamour was pregnant by my partner, I would need to know. Whether or not that pregnancy was carried to term, it’s relevant to me because I’m dating one of the people involved. How and when that info is shared can be negotiated, but if omission would feel like a betrayal, it’s crucial to talk about it.

“No” – sharing would cause harm

e.g. Telling a metamour, “I think your wife is the absolute worst.” Was I asked for my opinion? (In which case, maybe it’s important to be honest). But, if I’m not dating anyone involved, and no one asked me, then it would just be hurtful for no reason.

I also want to note that “harm” and “pain” aren’t synonyms. Sometimes we feel pain after learning something new. But the existence of pain doesn’t mean the other person caused harm. I see harm more as something that would twist the knife of an existing wound, humiliate or abuse a person, etc.

“No” – it’s not our place

e.g. “My sister really resents you.” Am I the one who should be delivering that message? Or should I tell my sister to deal with the conflict directly? Triangulation sneaks into polycules all the time, and it makes conflicts messier than they need to be.

Would it cause pain to know?

“Yes” – but it’s productive pain

e.g. I didn’t feel sexually attracted to a partner anymore. “I’m noticing a lack of desire to have sex with you lately. I’m not sure the cause of it, or how to resolve it.” I owned it as my own experience that I was simply reporting to him. It was mostly well received, though painful to hear. But if I had said, “I don’t want sex with you anymore because of your lethargy and depression,” that would blame him entirely, and avoid looking at my role. We eventually did talk through it with a therapist, and uncovered all the things we both did to dull the spark.

“Yes” – and it’s unproductive pain

e.g. One of my partners wanted to go to a club in Berlin. I took him to a kink store for wardrobe, as there’s a sort of unofficial kinky dress code here. He didn’t feel comfortable wearing those things. We tried to go to a club anyway. I got approved, but he got rejected at the door. It really frustrated me in the moment; I resented his insecurity because I wanted to go dancing. But I held back on saying that, because it was a self centered impulse that invalidated his needs. It would only cause unnecessary pain, so I processed it elsewhere with my friends.

Is now the right time to share it?

“No” – the timing would cause harm

e.g. After my dad died, I wasn’t always reasonable with my NP. I could be short in my replies, harsh in the way I spoke, have unpredictable emotional responses, etc. He was very patient with me, understanding the weight of my grief. He didn’t suppress his reactions, but he waited to share it when I seemed to be in a place to hear it.

“No” – it’s too fresh

In other words, am I too elevated to deliver this information with tact?

e.g. One of my long distance partners kind of reminds me of my brother... It was a weird realization. Spending time with him set off some raw trauma responses, as I’m still grieving my brother. I wanted to dump all of it on my partner as soon as I realized, in hopes of getting relief. But I needed to take a moment, talk with my therapist, and cry a lot with friends. When I felt like I could securely separate my LDR from the feelings about my brother, then it was a better time to share.

“Yes” – there’s clarity and calm

e.g. When I finally talked with my LDR about how his mannerisms remind me of my brother, I was in a calm place. “You’ve done nothing wrong. I want to share some insight on why my reactions have been bigger lately. Sometimes, when you speak like this or act like that, it hits a button for me. I’m grieving my brother and hypersensitive about it. I’m not asking you to change, and I imagine it feels strange to hear this sibling connection. I just want you to have a full picture of what I'm dealing with.” My main goal was to own my part without blaming him. I also felt balanced enough to offer space for any of his reactions that might follow.

Is it actionable?

Basically, if we’re addressing a point of tension, can we also bring solutions?

“Yes” – and I have a suggestion

e.g. “I’m really happy you’re dating again. And, my brain is telling me I’m not the fun one anymore. Would you be up for going on more creative dates with me too?” Of course, the other person can offer a counter suggestion, as there are usually many solutions to a problem. But it starts the conversation on a higher note if we present the problem with a remedy.

“Yes” – and I’m not sure the solution

e.g. “I’m really frustrated at doing more housework since you got this new job. I know you have to work long hours, and can’t control that. But can we brainstorm ways to make the housework feel a bit more balanced?” This validates the tough position we’re both in, and opens the conversation up to collaboration.

“No” – but it’s still important to share

e.g. “My chronic pain is really getting in the way of my dating life. I can’t do anything about it, so I think I need to scale back how often we see each other.” Sometimes there aren’t mutually beneficial solutions. But, offering context to the change can at least avoid confusion.

“No” – and it’s not important to share

e.g. “I find myself checking out people who have a body type that my partner envies. I’m not pursuing these people though, so there’s no harm in omitting that from her.” (This example applies to things we can’t control, such as who we’re attracted to. But if the person in this example were to start pursuing someone, it would shift into something more relevant to discuss.)

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That’s what comes to mind today. How else can we explore the line between radical honesty and over-sharing? I welcome your thoughts and feedback.

Love you,

Morgan