How I Say "No" When the Reason is Mental Health (Patreon)

Good morning cutie,

A few folks have reached out to me this week about communication and mental health. Specifically, several patrons are struggling with how to tell someone they're not interested, especially when the reason is mental health. So, let's talk about how transparency and self advocacy can be part of a "no" boundary.

Of course, if it's a person who disrespects us or isn't safe to be vulnerable with, then I err on the side of caution. People with selfish intentions (e.g. abusers or narcissists) or with conflicts of interest (e.g. employers) may genuinely be unsafe to receive such personal details. Our safety matters more than them understanding our rationale. "No" is a complete sentence, and doesn't need justification.

If the person is someone we trust, though, it can feel good to offer context. This avoids misunderstandings, invites them closer to us, and gives them permission to share their own mental health battles.

Today, I'll share 5 examples from different times that I canceled plans, ghosted friends briefly, or rejected invitations due to mental health. Hopefully, that can be of service to you.

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Example 1: Canceling a date

Context: I had a nice first date with a man, which ended in fun sex and a respectful morning together. But then the next two times we tried to plan a date, I got a panic attack in the hours leading up to it. Both times I canceled, and realized the panic might be related to the idea of going on new dates (whether with him or anyone else at the time).

Impulse: With a long history of hiding my mental health from new people, my first impulse was to make up a "more acceptable" excuse. I wanted to blame something logistical, or an emergency outside my control. But that always adds stress because people get skeptical about convenient emergencies several times in a row. I also hate how it feels to lie. 

Action: I was direct about the panic, and I owned my limitations. I apologized for the surprise of it, as our first date went so well.

Result: He was disappointed but understood. He didn't take it personally, and didn't see me as a flake, but rather a woman who knows her limits and can communicate them. We kept the door open for potentially reconnecting down the road.

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Example 2: Declining an invitation

Context: There aren't a lot of polyam content creators, so most of them joined a single group chat. But the idea of joining it makes me feel trapped and claustrophobic, remembering what it felt like to be in a cult.

Impulse: Luckily, being a person who discusses mental health publicly, I knew this fellow creator would understand my real reason for rejecting the invite. My first impulse was to actually be honest, which was refreshing.

Action: I shared about the trauma trigger, so she didn't misinterpret my "no" as a lack of interest in the people involved.

Result: She accepted it and validated it, no questions asked. We remain very friendly.

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Example 3: Ghosting a friend

Context: This is a good friend for many years. We have irregular check ins, but usually with 1 day to 1 week response time. After New Years 2022, I had disruptions with my family of origin that caused some pretty intense depression and grief, necessitating less interaction with digital media for the whole of January.

Impulse: My first impulse was to hide and not even read any new text messages. While I'm glad I took care of myself, I know the new year can be intense for a lot of people, so I regretted being unavailable for my friends.

Action: When it felt like the storm clouds were finally clearing up, I prioritized responding to her. I validated her patience and clarified the reason why, then shifted the focus of the chat to how she's doing.

Result: It was not a problem at all, and we picked right back up where we left off.

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Example 4: Canceling plans with a long distance friend

Context: This friendship is pretty young and lives mostly online because we're long distance. They were in Berlin for a few days, so we made plans. However, the night before, my body felt ominous warnings of an agoraphobic attack coming on.

Impulse: As usual, my first impulse was to make up an excuse that I deemed more palatable. Agoraphobia is pretty misunderstood (it's a panic disorder related to having too many stimuli outside of our control; I'm not literally scared of leaving the house), so I was worried that transparency could lead to judgment. But we've discussed mental health before, so I took a leap of faith.

Action: As soon as I saw the first symptoms of the attack, I gave them a heads up. I also proposed other ways we could connect, to clarify that this was a matter of my ability, not their desirability.

Result: They were so sweet, and so grateful that I trusted them enough to be honest. I feel closer to them, safer with them, and even more eager to connect whenever the time is right.

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Example 5: Postponing a work deadline with a friend / client

Context: At this point, I have the luxury to only work with friends. Mental health was a reason for pursuing that goal, actually, because of all the times I couldn't be honest with past clientele. However, it's still a professional relationship, so I need to respect deadlines that we set together. As a particularly bad agoraphobic attack was coming on, I struggled to sit at my work desk near windows.

Impulse: Recovering workaholic that I am, my first impulse was to just power through the discomfort and push myself to finish the task. But this is one of my closest friends, so I opted to suggest a softer deadline.

Action: I split the text into 2 parts: a "friend" text with clear description of my struggle, and a "work" text with an update on the status of our project.

Result: She basically responded in 2 parts as well: expressing so much sympathy and love for me, and then saying that of course it's fine to wait another day to finish the project. Our friendship and our professional relationship both remain strong.

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So many spaces stigmatize mental health, despite flowery language they may share about being inclusive or accessible. It's all well and good to be depressed or anxious, as long as your symptoms don't look too weird or ugly. I just want to reiterate that if you don't want to share these details, you don't owe it to anyone. Every scenario will of course depend on variables that are unique to the people involved. 

Being totally open about mental health, when it's safe to do so, can be incredibly liberating. When I share about symptoms that bring me the most shame, and the person accepts and validates me anyway, it's very healing. There's a security in the knowledge that they actually do accept and love me - all of me.

If you also struggle to let friends or partners in, I hope this can be encouraging. We won't know if people are really safe unless we first give them the chance to prove it.

With love,

Morgan