7 Time Management Conflicts (and How to Resolve Them) (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

I’ve gotten a few requests to tackle time management this week, so let’s jump in to some practical solutions for common polyam scheduling stressors. I’ll use a few hypothetical examples here that will hopefully illustrate the types of solutions we can negotiate. I hope it serves.

Note: This whole post will assume everyone is acting in good faith, and that no one is abusing, cheating or deceiving anyone involved. I'm often asked "how do we fix XYZ if they're lying?" and my answer is usually, "If you know they're lying, do you want to stay in this dynamic?" It's not easy to leave harmful situations, of course. I just can't really offer communication suggestions when one of the parties is knowingly acting in bad faith.

Scenario 1 - Partner A feels surprised at seeing new updates on the shared calendar without discussing them first. She requests a courtesy text or call before adding anything to the Gcal. But that feels a bit restrictive to Partner B, and putting things on the calendar ASAP helps her feel organized.

It could be discussed, of course, why there's that need for A and why that feels restrictive to B. Sometimes it's a hypervigilant effort to control things, but sometimes it's an accommodation for neurodivergence, so there's not a one size fits all solution. I think it's always fair to ask our motivations and consider the greater context.

But even after unpacking it, if both people stay at an impasse about a solution, there is always the Private-First calendar option. This is when a person has their own calendar in a different color for things that are yet to be confirmed or still need to be run past the polycule. As soon as the event is confirmed, it can be switched to the public shared calendar. This minimizes confusion, and can also remind us when a calendar event is still tentative or actionable.

There's also be the option to text a person while something is being planned, to give a heads-up that an event might be happening sometime soon. This isn't to ask the person for permission, but rather offer some kind of direct communication so they don't just see the event pop up passively on a calendar.

Sometimes, people want more communication during periods of change (new partners, new escalations, etc) so they may even be short term accommodations until other stressors are relaxed a bit. There can be trial and error, depending on the people involved.

Scenario 2 - Metamour B is dealing with a lot, and suddenly the hinge partner is spending more time with them. This creates a fear of neglect in Metamour A, who starts to build resentment against both B and the hinge.

This is a common one, which can often be remedied with more inclusive planning and restorative action. If B has a crisis this week, the hinge can include A in how they decide to support B: “Hey, they are struggling, how would you feel if I switched our date to another night?” Instead of just saying, “A, this is happening" (implied: deal with it). It's not about asking A's permission to care for B, but rather factoring in both partners' feelings into the strategy, because there are usually a lot of ways to resolve a need. Maybe it would cause damage to the relationship with A to reschedule for the fifth time, so the hinge goes back to B and sets a boundary that they're unfortunately not available, and asks them to get support from another person tonight. Or if they do go, it could feel restorative to build a care plan for spending time with A before / afterward, to balance it out. This kind of inclusive planning goes a long way in preventing conflict, as well as preventing resentments between metas.

Scenario 3 - All of X's partners assume his free time should default to them. He switches from a 5 day work week to 4 days, and everyone starts making plans for what they'll do with him on that newly available day. But there’s not enough solo recovery time in his week, causing feelings of exhaustion and burnout, so he was hoping to leave that day flexible or spend it alone.

Solo time needs to be a priority in planning, because we do have a relationship with ourselves to maintain, too. Different people will have different needs, depending on things like introversion/extroversion, demands from work or family, neurodivergence, chronic illness, etc. Sustainable planning involves a more holistic view of all factors and pressure points.

X can assess what he would need to feel rested and clear in the day / week / month. This is often an introspective search, maybe with support from people who aren't involved in the situation. Setting a firm boundary that no one can be entitled to his time, or communicating that it feels pressuring for partners to start making plans automatically, may be needed. If there's a free day, he could ask partners to please not assume or take it personally when that time doesn’t get allotted to them.

Scenario 4 - Partner A's nesting Partner B traveled for a few weeks, so their other Partner C took advantage of this access and stayed over every night. But now they need to resume the standard pace and have fewer or no overnights together. It leads to a big emotional drop in Partner C.

Temporary breaks in routine can sometimes reveal a desire for a longer-term change. Maybe more time or overnights with them can genuinely be negotiated into the regular schedule. If everyone's on board with those logistics, great.

Calendar tetris can also include more full days together, if overnights are the tricky part (re: access to a space, or necessity for child care, etc). Plenty of people co-work together in a domestic kind of setting for long periods, to scratch that itch of being together for long periods at home.

If that's not possible, maybe A and C agree to not have a “binge” of time with each other again, just because the necessary drop afterward hurts too much. Especially if C needs consistency to feel secure, keeping the original schedule intact regardless of opportunity could maintain that sense of stability.

Scenario 5 - Partner A is traveling with Partner C, so A's nesting Partner B has a sudden drop in access to them. A can’t be there whenever B needs or wants, which brings up big feelings of anxiety, and even a “fuck them” desire to withdraw / punish.

Potential solutions - I mention the "desire" to withdraw, because we can all feel that impulse, but really have to agree to not act on it. Punishing partners creates new conflicts, and is just not an effective way to be heard or have our needs consistently met.

As well, giving a lot of time to a non-nesting partner while traveling is pretty common. It can even be a way to counter-balance for the couple's privilege of nested partners having 24/7 ambient access to each other. So, asymmetries to offset other asymmetries are pretty standard, and may need to be explicitly named as a polycule Best Practice, depending on what everyone wants.

In this scenario, B can always advocate to have their expectations managed more, especially in advance. Pre-care plans can include extra dates and intimacy leading up to the trip, offering notes and leaving reminders around the house about how loved they are, etc. Then together with A, they can discuss which formats of communication (text, email, phone, video...) will be available during trips, and at what frequency (whether not at all, once a day, in real time...). If there are some days B definitely won’t have access to them at all, it's really helpful to know that up front and avoid any surprises. Sometimes the problem isn't that the partner was unavailable, but the fact that it was a surprise. 

Maybe there’s a specific day B knows they will need A's support, so A coordinates with C and agrees to be “on call” that day. Or C can offer their feedback on how comfortable they would feel with A texting and calling B for non-emergencies during the trip. 

Just as in earlier solutions, restorative aftercare plans may also be fruitful upon A's return, where B can briefly get extra time and attention to come back together into the normal routine.

Scenario 6 - Z is splitting time between 2 homes and 2 nesting partners, feeling stress to keep everything perfectly “equal”. But, things come up that have her in one place more than another sometimes, which upsets her other nesting partner because it’s not what was agreed upon.

Militant scheduling with zero flexibility is a recipe for stress, not to mention mismanaged expectations, because things don't always go according to plan. Especially for dynamics that split time between homes, it's all about creating a feeling of balance, not a perfect division of time. 

If, one week, Z is in one home more, that can be remedied by planning a longer stay at the other home the following week. If it turns out there will need to be longer-term asymmetry of housing, a boost of quality instead of quantity of time can be negotiated. Maybe Z realizes she'd rather be in one home more, which will be a hard conversation but it's a valid desire to acknowledge.

If there are hurt feelings about any changes, short or long term, Z can put her energy into a restorative action that tends to their needs, rather than just pushing herself to honor a schedule that really doesn’t work. Schedules can always be renegotiated, and it doesn't have to imply one person is less important. There are myriad reasons why splitting housing doesn't always work for people. I’s important for hinges to include their own needs in any decision about time management.

Scenario 7 - Metamour A is long distance, and now the hinge is falling for Metamour B, who lives locally. Now the hinge is a bit less available, a bit distracted, and A is feeling scared of abandonment.

A can negotiate a trial-and-error schedule with the hinge that could meet A's needs while still giving them space for spontaneity and swooning with B. New relationship energy is very real, and can be scary for existing partners, especially in long distance connections. Either way, during periods of big change in a polycule, the right solution for a schedule may not be immediately clear. 

I often encourage trial-and-error in these situations, to lower the stakes. Instead of "this is what we're doing moving forward," an attitude of “let’s try it this week and see if it feels better or worse” can feel more accessible. It could mean that some days / times are reserved for A, and won’t be moved unless it’s an emergency. It could mean the hinge agrees to give a heads up when they’ll be out with B (at least for now, not forever) and then give more time / attention to A when they’re able. Or maybe just a consistent “good morning / good night” text every day could feel reassuring that A's not being forgotten or left behind. Again, this can be a collaborative experiment between partners until landing on something that meets everyone's needs. 

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These are just a few common scenarios that I often find myself helping couples sort out. I imagine there could be a whole book of hypothetical scenarios, so if you want more like this, or have a unique predicament of your own, feel free to message me. I can make another resource like this in the future.

Just remember that you and your partner(s) are on the same team. It’s not you vs. them, it’s both / all of you vs. the situation. Self advocate and pursue sustainable solutions that can still allow for flexibility.

I hope this serves.

With love,
Morgan