How I'm Unpacking Repressed Anger - Part I (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

Let's talk about anger today. Or rather, let's talk about the struggle to even recognize or feel anger. (If this doesn't apply to you, maybe someone in your life experiences it.) 

Discovering anger is an ongoing process that I'm working on for years with my own therapist. It's much more radical and physical work than I ever imagined. I'll share a little about this topic through the lens of my own experience, as that's all I'm qualified to offer. 

As always, I'm not a therapist, and this is neither diagnostic nor prescriptive. But I hope it can be relatable if you also struggle to feel mad.

This will be Part I of II, wherein I share ways that repressed anger can show up for me. In Part II, I'll share a bit more about how I'm accessing that anger. I just want to run that text by my therapist first, to get a professional opinion. So stay tuned.

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Part I : Things That Happen When I Don't Let Myself Feel Angry

Purging Repressed Rage
CW / Eating Disorders, Self Harm

Before I could feel relief in anorexia/bulimia recovery, I had to process a lot of repressed rage in therapy — rage at traumatic events, rage at family of origin, rage at systems that failed me. My self harm was my anger turned inward. The only way I could stop abusing my body was to scream and hit pillows (a lot of pillows) in a safer, therapeutic space.

These days, I'm grateful to feel healing around that primal, violent anger. However, subtler forms of it can still elude me.

Always Crying When I'm Frustrated

This is not about depression or other mental illness. I have Bipolar II, clinical depression and anxiety/panic disorders, not to mention having a uterus that fluctuates my hormones. So, spontaneous crying happens. But this particular sort of crying is, as my therapist calls it, "anger trying to squeeze out of a tiny vent."

When I wanted to challenge my bosses in a negotiation, I cried. When a community member said something insensitive, I cried. Every time I felt frustrated, powerless, or wronged, I cried. It's not that feeling sad is a lesser reaction, but I didn't actually feel sad in these moments. I was pissed off. 

Luckily, it hardly happens anymore because the link between anger and crying is much more conscious now. (I also removed myself from as many harmful spaces, people and power dynamics as possible.) Today, I ask my partners and close friends to gently inquire when I'm in tears, "might you also be angry?" It's a really helpful question for me.

Dissociating / Going Numb, Especially After Feeling Harmed

It was never safe for me to express anger growing up. My mom and brother have violent rage, so quietly tolerating harm was a survival skill. The only way to really make that bearable long-term was to just go numb. That can look like spacing out, shutting down / feeling detached, physically struggling to feel sensation, or just straight up having memory loss about entire chunks of time.

Unfortunately, it's not really easy to control when we come back into our bodies.  I think my least favorite side effect is the repression of liberated joy. All intense emotions get muted in this cycle. I'm still working on these dissociative episodes, so expect more writing about that over time.

Running Away to Avoid Conflict

This coping mechanism also started early. My mom would yell, so I'd lock myself in the bedroom. There were petty fights in class, so I begged to change schools. (I successfully did that 3 times). In college, things got contentious in my small arts community, so I just bolted a thousand miles away to a new city, never speaking to any of them again. 

I'm not saying running away is always the wrong move. If someone is abusive, or the problems are irreconcilable, then I'm all for separation. Hell, I moved to Germany in part to disconnect from my abusive family. But dropping everything and starting over can also be a way to avoid anger or conflict, so it can help to check our motives.

Flip-Flopping Between Workaholism and Zero Activity

This is part of a broader pattern of dealing with all of my emotions, as well as fluctuations in my mental health. But when it seems like injustice is happening to me, it's easier to work for 12 hours straight instead of talking about it. Other days, I might struggle to concentrate and just want to play games on my phone for 12 hours. 

It's tricky to describe, because I don't want to conflate big ambition with workaholism, or prolonged rest with zoning out all day. Sometimes, these things can share aesthetic similarities. The difference, for me, is 100% the internal experience.

Sleeplessness and Panic Attacks in Lieu of Feeling Mad

Again, I have a panic disorder, so attacks aren't unusual. However, there's a clear pattern where I feel briefly pissed off, then feel nothing, then wake up at 2am with a debilitating panic attack. 

When we don't express frustration, however small, it comes out another way. My body is unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) not very subtle in its reactions.

Anger Exacerbates My Chronic Pain

I don't suffer from a physical disability or chronic illness, so can't speak to those experiences. I also don't want to trivialize them, or imply that venting more about anger could resolve them. Instead, I'll just share what I've discovered in my own body recently.

My right hip constantly hurts. My glute and thigh muscles spasm at random times. Physical therapists give me exercises, but those haven't helped long term. Finally, last year, there was a breakthrough.

This chronic pain started in 2018, right when my brother went missing. (He's safe; he later reemerged after living on the street for a while.) My mother has been absolutely monstrous to me ever since, taking out her unresolved trauma on me. Not only does the onset of my pain line up with these events, but it also flares up whenever she lashes out.

Dr. Sheri Jacobsen wrote a concise piece about symptoms of repressed anger, saying "[it] has to go somewhere, and it often goes to our bodies." When I finally started venting more about my mom and brother, using a louder voice and more heated language than I usually do, I noticed almost instant muscle relaxation. I went zero contact with her 3 weeks ago, and while I'm not totally pain-free, it's just wild how much better I feel.

Of course, take this anecdote with a grain of salt. Few things in our bodies are so simple. However, at this point I'm pretty convinced that my hip pain is directly related to feeling infuriated by my family of origin.

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Those are the biggest ways that repressed anger shows up for me. As I mentioned above, I'll follow up with a Part II on how I'm unpacking and coping with it. 

I'm curious if you relate to any of these experiences. Maybe your body reacts a different way? I'm here to hold space for you and empathize with you if you're also re-learning your relationship with anger.

Sending love and I hope you have a great week,
Morgan