Review: "Special" and Undisclosed Hierarchy (Patreon)

If you've not seen Special on Netflix, check it out. It's a young adulthood story from a disabled point of view, with our protagonist Ryan, who has cerebral palsy. He explores the complexities of detaching from an over-bearing parent, of entering an ableist yet "liberal" workspace, and discovering companionship while navigating stereotypes. 

Oh also, he's gay. And specifically seeing gay men have sex on screen in a way that's not sensationalized nor demonized is kind of refreshing.

Spoilers ahead for Season 2 of Special.

Feeling awkward in a bar, Ryan (played by series writer/creator Ryan O'Connell) tries to hit on a man who doesn't even acknowledge his humanity. "Don't feel bad, he's straight," smiles another man from down the bar. 

This is how we meet Tanner (Max Jenkins), a warm person who has instant chemistry with Ryan.

Less than 30 seconds of screen time later, they're hooking up at Ryan's place. "FYI, I have a boyfriend. We're open." Tanner manages to clarify this right before they have sex. It startles Ryan, but he just says, "ok!" and they continue.

I appreciate that Tanner discloses this before they hook up. It ensures Ryan can consent to sleeping with a person who's not single.

Tanner is the first man who appears to care about Ryan without othering him. 

Since he struggles with motor functions, Ryan will sometimes step on Tanner or kiss in a non-rhythmic way. And there are some general activities that he just can't do, like cooking or taking an exercise class. But Tanner is happy to accommodate; it's no big deal. 

Tanner: "There is no food in your house. Not to be weird, but I checked."
Ryan: "Oh, that's just because cooking isn't really my journey."
Tanner: "Well I have a solve for that. Let's go get breakfast!"

They spend all day together, opening up about their families and traumas. We see Ryan feel hopeful that he might have finally met the one.

Then, Tanner bounces.

Tanner: "Fuck, I can't stay. Richard just texted me. His plane landed way early."
Ryan: "Who's Richard?"
Tanner: "My boyfriend."

This is where it gets tricky. Tanner did disclose that he's in an open relationship, but also didn't say what that means. It might be fine in the heat of the moment to just say the basics. But as things escalate romantically, he should've elaborated on the hierarchical nature of his relationship. If he knew he was going to leave Ryan whenever Richard needed him, he could've warned Ryan about that.

When he takes off, Ryan understandably feels a bit abandoned. A few hours later, Tanner knocks on the door. He apologizes for leaving abruptly, and asks to see Ryan again. While I think it's great he makes the effort to apologize, they still don't talk about how dating will actually look.

Thats the thing about consenting to a hierarchy, especially as a secondary or tertiary partner. There must be ongoing consent to all aspects of what that tangibly means. 

While out on a date with Tanner, a monogamous man hits on Ryan. Tanner encourages them to go on a date.

Marc (Jeremy Glazer) wines and dines him, telling him how beautiful he is. When Ryan struggles to sit in a seat at the restaurant, Marc swoops in to change their reservation to a booth. No big deal. On its face, a relationship with him seems like it can offer everything that Tanner does, but without the stress of non-monogamy.

Ryan gets tempted to put up walls with Tanner, and focus on this new guy instead. But then during sex, Marc says he "has a thing for disabled guys" and thinks Ryan is sexy because of the cerebral palsy. He didn't consent to being a fetish, and doesn't feel safe to keep hanging out with Marc.

This is such a nuanced and heartbreaking way to illustrate the kind of choices that people with intersectional struggles face. It's so hard for Ryan to find a partner who's not bothered by his disability, not othering or fetishizing him, and is openly gay. While not totally comfortable with Tanner's dynamic, it's not so easy for Ryan to walk away from the other hard-to-find qualities.

Then, the other shoe drops. 

Richard, Tanner's boyfriend, travels a lot. Apparently, they have a version of the 100 mile rule; he only consents to other partners when he's out of town. Now, he's coming back for a solid month. Ryan can't see Tanner at all during this time.

Under no circumstances did Tanner give Ryan a heads up about this. They're going on dates and spending all this time together, but then suddenly, it's radio silence for a month. It's really jarring, and not ok.

After some back and forth, Ryan decides to end it. Tanner is so upset by this prospect, that he talks to Richard about restructuring. I really appreciate the realness of this dynamic. A lot of open relationships, or hierarchical polyamorous dynamics, get pushed to restructure when they realize it's not sustainable anymore.

Richard agrees to be flexible, but asks to meet Ryan first. I have mixed feelings about this, because it implies veto power. I don't think anyone should have to interview with their metamour for approval. And also, I do understand how Richard's trying to meet them half way, and needs to feel reassured in person.

Ryan agrees, and comes to dinner. The night was... fine. Awkward, but friendly, and everyone was trying. Still, it clarified some important needs.

Ryan: "The whole night, we were in your perfect house, surrounded by all your perfect things. And all I could think about was how I wished it was our perfect house surrounded by our perfect things. ... I want all the things you have with Richard. I want to have this actual life with you, but I can't because you already have it with him."

And there it is: a fundamental incompatibility. 

This is why it's so important to discuss expectations before welcoming a secondary into a hierarchy. Of course, desires can also change over time, which is why we keep checking in. But so much stress and pain could have been avoided (including Tanner's heartbreak over losing Ryan), if he had just said up front, "These are the specific limits to what I'm available for. Does that work for you?"

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TLDR: Despite the way it played out, I do love this representation of hierarchy and open relationships. It shows very real struggles in a complex way. It doesn't villainize Tanner, nor make open relationships look inherently problematic. It just shows how much communication is needed for sustainability. If we don't rigorously talk about expectations, we can accidentally hurt the people we care about, including ourselves.