A Few Things to Keep in Mind During Conflict (Patreon)

Good morning, cutie ☀️

Today, I’m reviewing some conflict resolution skills that can be easy to forget in the heat of the moment, or when overwhelmed by intense emotions.

While these can be helpful in a lot of conflicts, I’m specifically writing them with romantic and/or peer dynamics in mind, as some of these would be less appropriate in parent/child or manager/employee relationships. As always, read the room and assess power dynamics at play before finding solutions to your specific scenario.

I hope they can be of service to you. 🙏

1. Remember you are on the same team. “Winning” looks like mutual understanding, and having everyone’s experiences acknowledged. It can be so alluring to try to convince a partner to agree with you, or get them to admit they’re wrong. But in peer adulthood relationships, we struggle to keep things balanced post-conflict if we just try to be right. Focus instead on trying to be understood, and to try to understand them, too.

2. Learn your trauma triggers and trauma response behaviors very intimately. Notice when they come up in a conflict. Share these with your partner. With time, and therapeutic trauma work (if accessible), these reactions and impulses can lose some of their power. But mindfulness and self awareness are key.

3. Learn your partners’ trauma triggers to avoid accidentally setting them off. Learn their common trauma responses, as well. Do they shut down? Do they cry? Do they start yelling? If they have non-abusive response behaviors, then try to meet them with patience and compassion for the trauma that’s being activated. Maybe you feel safe enough to gently ask if this is reminding them of trauma. But if they have abusive response behaviors, clarify ahead of time that you’ll be removing yourself from the conversation if that happens again, but you are not abandoning them.

4. Set yellow and red line behaviors. Yellow line behaviors are any escalation into an unproductive direction for you. It could be a raised voice or a condescending tone, any warning sign to pause and deescalate. Red line behaviors are any hard boundaries that cannot be crossed in a conversation. It could look like storming out of the room or punching the wall. These dealbreaker actions mean you’ll need to step back entirely and try again later, possibly with a mediator or therapist. When yellow and red lines are set together in advance, it can make boundaries easier to enact in the moment.

5. Own your emotions instead of casting blame. This includes ensuring the emotions expressed are feelings not judgments. So instead of “I feel like I’m being manipulated,” try saying, “I’m feeling guarded and struggling to trust you.” Instead of “I feel like you care more about them than me,” say “I’m feeling insecure and comparing myself a lot.” This makes a world of difference in being heard clearly.

6. Ask clarifying questions. “It sounds like you’re saying I’m unattractive, is that what you meant?” Or “My brain is telling me that you hurt me on purpose. Is that true?” Be sure you’re on the same page with them, to minimize miscommunication or resentment.

7. Own your responsibility for harm caused, however unintended. Insist that partners own their responsibility for harm caused, however unintended. Impact matters more than intent. When there’s something to say sorry for, say it. And if you can’t move forward without an apology, say that too.

8. Establish a shared vision of what healing will look like. After hearing each other and recognizing your clashing experiences, come back together as teammates to talk strategy and solutions.

9. Remember the difference between boundaries and rules. In general, a sustainable boundary is “this is how I’m willing to be treated. This is what I’m willing to participate in.” Unsustainable rules are more like, “this is what you must do. This is how you must act.” We can’t control anyone, but we can tell them what we’ll stick around for, and then the choice is theirs.

10. Remember that saying vulnerable, uncomfortable truths is an act of love. (Key word being vulnerable, not cruel). It’s often easier to stay silent, or to wait until you’re ready to explode. These are easier responses to conflict because neither of these paths involve vulnerability. So if a partner is coming to you with a hard, sensitive truth, honor that work by trying to hold space for it even when it’s tough to hear.

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What else helps you with gainful conflict resolution?

Just some musings for you today, based on recent experiences I’ve had. I hope they may be helpful reminders. 💛

With love,

Morgan