Case Study: Abandonment Fears in New Relationships (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

Today I'm offering another look behind the curtain. Here is a text exchange I had with a new person I'm dating (view in browser or on Patreon app if unable to see images). It's a case study of how to address fears of abandonment in a young relationship.

1. Ask if it's a good time

Timing matters. To spring a vulnerable paragraph on someone while they're busy is just no fun for anybody involved.

"Can I tell you an insecurity" is also specific enough to inform them about the nature of the conversation. It avoids the vagueness of a question like, "can we talk," which can add more stress to the situation.

2. Listen to their answer

In this case, they were available right away, which was nice. But if they said "can I talk to you later?" then I would wait until they were ready to consent to the chat. (Within reason. If "later" always gets delayed and delayed and delayed, then that suggests they don't actually ever want to talk about it.)

Sometimes, the answer might be ambiguous. Maybe they saw the text and didn't answer for several hours, while you're just pulling your hair out with anxiety. It's not ideal to leave a vulnerable person on read, but unless they have demonstrated a pattern of disregard for you, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. (e.g. This same person left a question on read for 6 hours once, but later I learned they were transporting vials of malaria across the city in a snow storm when I texted.)

A non-answer is a "no," regardless of the reasoning, just like in any other consent conversation. You can follow up later for clarification, at which point they'll hopefully be available for you. But if they continue to meet it with silence or avoidance, then you've got your answer.

3. Own the fearful thoughts

I find it helpful to use the format of, "When _______ happened, I felt fear / my brain said _______."

This is a way to acknowledge how actions lead to fears, without judgment or accusation. Most of the time, partners don't "make" us feel scared, but rather they push buttons (consciously or unconsciously) that set off fears. We can inform them of those buttons, so they're better equipped to take care of us.

Of course, if they already have that information and still knowingly do things to cause fear, well that's a different conversation.

4. Offer historical context

I wouldn't have this fear if I hadn't been hurt. Just, point blank. So it can really help the people in our lives if we share where we're coming from, who hurt us and how.

In my experience, sharing these things can also help separate the past from the present. Like, "oh yes, my ex really hurt me. But this person has not hurt me, in fact they're being very nice. So maybe I shouldn't treat them as if they're my ex."

5. Own the reactions

When we're scared, we put our guards up. It's a pretty natural response, and can be a great survival skill. The tricky part comes when that fear is misplaced, and makes us pull away from someone who isn't trying to hurt us. 

So I shared that my reaction is to be guarded, but my desire is to let my guard down. This way, if they notice me being standoffish or cold, they're informed about my current struggle and can talk to me about it. This minimizes any misinterpretations of such reactions.

6. Inform them how to care for you

Within reason. So like, "you can't be hierarchical if we're going to date" would be unreasonable. If that was a need I had, it would be on me to remove myself from the situation, not pressure them to change. 

However, I can tell them what makes me feel safe and what doesn't. Keeping me informed of escalations with other people makes me feel safe, even if sadness might come with that news. Ghosting me or surprising me with major changes overnight makes me feel unsafe. And just like that, my needs are negotiated.

7. Observe their reaction

Are they warm and understanding? Are they asking questions about how to take care of you? Are they apologizing for any missteps that may have harmed you?

Or, are they defensive and dismissive? Are they blaming you for your fear, and refusing to see how their actions may have contributed?

It's not a binary, of course. A lot depends on our delivery. If I were to come out swinging like, "I know you'll leave me when you meet your primary," well that could make even the gentlest person feel defensive and mad. That's why it's so important to be mindful of when and how we approach vulnerable conversations.

However, if you do come correct but they still make you feel bad for having needs, then it might merit bigger questions about the sustainability of the relationship.

I hope this case study is a helpful example if you also struggle with fears of abandonment!

-

Please keep these screenshots to Patreon only. They were shared with consent for the purposes of paywall content only. I ask that you respect that by not sharing them beyond this platform. Thank youuu!

With love,
Morgan