5 Questions to Ask When Considering Mono / Polyam (Patreon)

Hi cutie!

Question for the polyam folks: Are you, or is someone you love, interested in a monogamous person?

Or maybe you're monogamous (in which case these would be great questions to ask yourself when dating a polyamorous person).

Side note - I personally don't enjoy dating monogamous people anymore or being someone's first polyamorous experience. If you feel that way too, I want to validate that. It's OK to want mutual levels of experience around non-monogamy.

And, mono / polyam relationships can absolutely be sustainable. It's just a matter of establishing everyone's needs, and ensuring you all feel secure.

Today I've outlined 5 questions that help the mono / polyam folks in my life. Maybe this will be of service to you, too.

1. Is the person monogamous by choice?

This isn't meant to be a confrontational question, but rather a prompt to examine biases. Most cultures assign monogamy as the default relationship structure. In many spaces, it's mandatory to engage in monogamy if you want to keep access to family, resources, employment, etc. (The term "toxic monogamy" can, in part, be shorthand for this experience.) As a result, alternative structures get framed as deviant, immoral, weird or sick. To love a polyamorous person means to actively unlearn these biases.

So, has the monogamous person unpacked toxic monogamy and chosen a different path? If these concepts are new, do they bristle or deflect from discussion? Do they rationalize or defend toxic monogamy? There's no shame in being new to it (we all were, at one time). But rather, their willingness to do this work is a factor when deciding how embedded in each other's lives you want to be, if at all.

2. Have they ever dated a polyamorous person before?

There's no wrong answer here. It makes sense for mono folks to have an entirely monogamous dating history. But, if they want to now date a polyam person, it's crucial to get on the same page about expectations. 

If they have dated a non-monogamous person before, how was their experience? It's good to find out if they have any sore spots around the topic, so you can be fully equipped to take care of them.

3. Have they ever been cheated on?

A lot of mono folks get introduced to non-monogamy through dishonest situations (i.e. cheating). Even if they know, intellectually, that this is different, they may still need extra care around sex with other partners. They may need more reassurances, more aftercare, and maybe more frequent communication than feels sustainable, at first. The best way to help them separate cheating from consensual non-monogamy is to proactively work to help them feel safe and heard.

4. Are they rebounding or seeking "nothing serious"?

There's no mainstream education around polyamory, so it's unfortunately common for newer mono folks to view polyam people as "risk free" or "non-committal." This can lead them to assume by default that the person doesn't have as many needs, doesn't feel jealousy, or doesn't want traditional commitments, all of which might be false. 

To some mono folks, the act of being with more than one partner is so foreign that biased assumptions get made. They may project hierarchy onto a non-hierarchical situation, and assume they should be your most important partner, or that they're not important otherwise (binary thinking). Keeping with that logic, if they're not important, why should it matter if they ghost / cheat / leave you when they're finally ready to "settle down"? 

This is not to scare you away from mono / polyam dating. Just don't assume your long term goals are automatically in alignment.

5. What are their expectations?

Newcomers may see non-monogamous daters as "going through a phase." While that may be true in a few cases, it's not a fair assumption overall. And it could set everyone up for heartbreak if the mono person expects their partner to be monogamous eventually.

The all-or-nothing nature of monogamy means the stakes are high for romantic relationships. By the time you hit mid-20's, most mono folks date with a checklist in mind, which can get longer and more urgent for them as time goes on. (Later in life, after children are grown or they've experienced divorce, these agendas usually relax a bit more. Retired  communities, for example, are swinger havens.)

But most of my patrons are under 45, so you'll probably encounter mono people with more rigid agendas. If you're the only person they date, it's important to have frank discussions about what they expect from you.

Maybe the polyam person does want marriage, kids, a shared home, etc. with their monogamous partner. It's very possible and can be lovely, it's just not a path that's guaranteed. And if you know for a fact that will never happen, talk about it early. Don't give each other hope or set yourselves up for heartbreak.

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I hope this is helpful if you are considering a mono / polyam dynamic. Of course there are infinite reasons that relationships may struggle or succeed, but core incompatibilities are easier to detect. Let's be proactive, and manage the expectations of ourselves and others.

With love

Morgan