Questions we can ask when tempted to text an ex (who needs to stay an ex) (Patreon)

Times are lonely right now, so we can all be forgiven for romanticizing any memory of IRL connection. That said, some people really do need to stay in our past.

So when I find myself feeling nostalgic for a past partner — particularly one that gave me more low points than high ones — I have to check my motives. Here are some questions I ask in moments of vulnerability; hopefully they will be helpful to you.

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1. Am I engaging in selective memory, and if yes, why?

e.g. "they weren't so terrible. They kind of meant well. Maybe I was too harsh on them..."

We all have our own reasons for relitigating past partnerships. And I don't think its always a harmful thing to reflect on those experiences. But, asking "why do I want to revisit specifically them, specifically now?" It can save a lot of time, and maybe help us avoid repeating history.

2. Is a present-day discomfort driving this nostalgia?

If yes, is it happening in a way that minimizes destructive dynamics?

e.g. "I'm bored and dissatisfied... I miss the way they used to be so wild, fun and spontaneous... but am I also forgetting how anxious and depressed I felt with them?"

3. Are my present-day drives motivating an unwise regression?

e.g. "God we had great sex... I wonder what they're doing tonight..."

Now, I have hooked up with exes, and it was not always a "bad" idea. Sometimes it was fun because we had both moved on and grown a lot since the break up. But, other times it had me reeling for weeks, reliving the break up all over again and kicking myself for being so reckless.

When I feel impulsive, I have to be 100% honest about why, and whether there is any evidence to show it might go differently this time.

4. Would my return to that partner negatively impact someone else I love?

e.g. "What's the harm in texting? Isn't it my choice? Well... I guess my best friend would be pretty annoyed with me. And my mom did say she's sick of talking to me about them. And another partner of mine feels pretty uncomfortable when I interact with them..."

We do not process heartache alone, so the emotional risk we take is not entirely our own. Consider how self-centered actions might ripple out, and even add to the emotional labor we request from others.

5. Would a return to this partner distract me from important work that I need to do right now?

e.g. "My parent is sick and I lost my job and I just want to feel better. Who gives a shit?"

In my opinion, when we want to use an ex for escapism from grief or anxiety or trauma recovery, it can be a form of self harm.

I am all for feeling good when the world gets to be too much. But when we are vulnerable, why entrust our safety to a person who's proved they can't be a long-term stabilizing presence? Sure, we might be tempted to remember the nice things they said that time, or the warmth we felt when they held us. But do we remember why we broke up?

Basically, try to remember all of them. Consider if a short term comfort might be coming at the expense of longer term healing.

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As always, my opinions are just that: opinions. I come to you as a fellow evolving person, and not a psychological professional. But I've made a lot of mistakes that I would love to help other cuties avoid! ❤️ Hopefully, if this resonates with you, it can help you stay on track during this stressful time.

Love you!