Review: "Spiritual Polyamory" (Mystic Life, 2004) (Patreon)

Happy Sunday! And a warm welcome to our new community members Sam, Lauren, Emily, Sylver and Samone!

Today, let's unpack how the book Spiritual Polyamory discusses non-monogamy through a Buddhist lens. (View in browser or on the Patreon app to see excerpts of the book.)

So, I wanted to like this book. I really did. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. 

I. The Value of Introspective Questions

"Which method of loving is ultimately a statement of my true self?"

Let's start on an upbeat note. A portion of this book offers meditative questions for poly-curious people, which can be really helpful. In general, it's hard to go wrong with introspective questions. 

That said, the author usually undercuts them with judgmental comments.

For example, the second half of the above question is "... serial, or sustainable?" They offer a false binary of serial monogamy or polyamory as the only two methods of love, while equating polyamory with sustainability. Aside from being just... so wrong, I don't get how you can ask someone what they want, and then tell them they have 2 options: "the bad one or the good one."

II. Vague  ≠  Deep

They explore broad concepts that are fine on their face. But they're so vague.

"At this time on our planet it seems like codependence is at an epidemic level. ... When you go beyond codependence, you will experience your true self."

They don't expand on this at all. They move on, as if the point was fully made. I mean... I agree with the notion that codependent = bad. But what does an epidemic of codependence even mean? What does "going beyond" it look like? 

It'd be fine if this was just a book of poetry, or new-agey meditations. But they present this as a How To book for enlightened polyamory. They start to tackle concrete issues, then abandon them mid-thesis, with some abstract "just love each other" advice. 

I find zero tangible solutions here. I can't imagine turning to this book for guidance during a crisis.

III. Theory ≠ Practice

OK I didn't want to open the review with this, in an attempt to salvage some value from the book, but I can't ignore the opening paragraph any longer:

That's page 1. The author, who goes by Mystic Life, opens a book about polyamory to talk about loving terrorists, rapists and murderers.

But this actually captures my chief criticism: their conflation of theory with practice.

Does Buddhism encourage loving your enemy? Sure. There's merit in cultivating internal compassion and forgiveness, so we don't suffer from our own resentments. But, the text goes on to encourage taking back the partners who cheat on you, and forgiving someone even when your personal safety is at risk. UHHHM.

a.) That mess is dangerous.
b.) Why are we talking about loving abusive people in the first chapter of a polyamory book? What kind of introduction to healthy open relationships is this?

Also, right after that, the writer throws just SO much shade at monogamy for being less evolved and inherently unhealthy (two opinions with which I disagree). But yeah, it's pretty disingenuous and hypocritical (you'll love murderers but not monogamists?) under the guise of being enlightened.

IV. Some Next Level Weirdness

Half-way through, the book abandons its chapter structure and just goes on strange rants with weird quotes and irrelevant excerpts from their favorite bands... 

I'm pretty confident this was self-published without an editor.

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TLDR: For helpfulness around non-monogamy, I gotta give Spiritual Polyamory an F. The only salvageable concepts are pulled directly from Buddhist literature, and aren't the author's original thoughts; so if interested, just get a book about Buddhism and go directly to the source. Spiritual Polyamory is just a collection of weird, rambly red flags.