10 Alternatives to "I Can't" or "No, Thanks" (Patreon)

Saying no to friends or partners can be uncomfortable. We need to draw lines and set proper expectations, but don't want to cause harm to them, or the relationship.

I don't use the term "people pleaser" because the more accurate phrase for me is "conflict avoider." Too many times I've either gone along with something I wasn't that happy about, or I've made up an excuse, to avoid conflict. Both of these tactics are short-term fixes that can cause major rifts between me and the people I care about.

Below are some effective phrases I use now, to decline in a way that keeps the conversation open. Maybe that will be of service for you!

1. Would you feel hurt if I said no?
Only ask if you genuinely want to know the answer, because they might say, "yes, I'd be hurt."

2.  I'd prefer to stick to the original plan. [Then explain reasoning]
Whether shooting down a new idea at work, or rejecting spontaneity on a date, this helps me hold a line around what I'd like to see happen, without being a dick about it.

3. I'm not able, but [suggest a person] might be good to ask instead.
I use this at work when asked to over-extend myself, or with friends when asked for inconvenient favors. I even use it when discussing sex, if I don't want to try something, but think another partner would enjoy it! It's a suuuuper helpful and solution-oriented phrase. 

4. I'm not feeling very into ________. That's not a commentary on you / it, I think it's just not for me.
I've used this for many a sexual negotiation. As my partners and I explore our different kinks, and feel nervous to ask for what we really want, this method of rejection can own our specific desires without judging or shaming each other.

5. My body's telling me it needs ________.
Also very important for sexual negotiation. But the most frequent way I use this one is to form day-to-day boundaries around self care. If my body needs rest, I say that. If it needs a different kind of food than what my partner brought home, I say that. We don't choose what our body needs, we just listen and report it.

6. I’m feeling very [emotion] today.
Similar to vocalizing our body's needs, this one is great for expressing mental health needs.

7. Would it be ok to revisit that later? I want it / you to have my full attention. When someone wants to start a heavy conversation, but we're super distracted or in the middle of work, let's first honor their needs by saying "yes", and then honor our needs by proposing a new time. 

8. That doesn’t ring true for me. [Offer what does, instead.]
During hard conversations, we might experience some trigger-happy moments with people we care about. Instead of reacting and shooting their experience down, I just offer my own experience as a counter-balance. "How I saw it was..." or "My thinking was more like..." etc. We can push back on their interpretation of events, without invalidating their emotions.

9. It might make more sense for me to [offer] instead. Would that work?
This is great when negotiating solutions. Maybe a nervous partner proposes you check in during your date, but you'd rather check in before / after, not in the middle. We can offer pragmatic alternatives that aren't just a harsh, full-stop "no."

10. Not yet, but I'd like to work up to that.
Do you want to be ready for something? If yes, this is your biggest friend. "I'm working up to it!" or "I look forward to when I'm ready" are other ways to say it. Find your own phrasing, of course. This is just a great way to celebrate the destination, while still honoring the journey, which very much includes "NOPE NOT YET".

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Of course, different scenarios merit different approaches. I'd decline a sex toy in a different way than a party invitation. We need to factor in the stakes of the proposition, the vulnerability of the asker, and our history of relating to that person. 

For me, the most important thing is to just own how I feel without judging the request. When appropriate, I might also ask how my choice makes them feel. If I want them to see my needs in that moment, it's only fair to hold the space and receive theirs, as well.

I hope this helps you navigate tricky conversations!

Xx
Morgan