"Is this relationship abusive?" : Questions & Resources (Patreon)

Today I'm offering a few more resources on abuse, as several of you have written to me this week about manipulative / coercive / controlling behaviors of one or more of your partners.

The above photo is called the Power and Control Wheel (tap and zoom to read closer), via The Hotline. Abuse takes many forms. If any of the above ring true, you can call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to speak with a support professional.

It's important to remember that many abusive relationships will feel like fairy tales in the beginning. Controlling behaviors like possessiveness, paranoia, lies and manipulation seep in slowly, incrementally, making it harder to tell when the line has been crossed (or where the line even was in the first place). 

When it comes to non-monogamy, the dynamics are no different. Abusive polyamorists may try to gaslight their partners by saying "this is how poly is supposed to be done, maybe you're the one who needs help!", or "stop overreacting, that boundary wasn't a big deal," or "I want to treat you better, but my other partner won't let me!" etc. 

"Red flags can include:
- moving too quickly for your comfort
- pressuring you into things you're unsure of
- inappropriate attitudes, comments or questions that make you uncomfortable
- unwillingness to follow established guidelines
- lack of communication, or an unwillingness to communicate
- ignoring a safe word or signal, or giving you attitude about any hard limit you have set
- disrespecting your boundaries and/or your body
- using language that makes you feel like property
Just to name a few. Always trust your gut instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t." - The Hotline 

Sometimes abuse is also disguised as BDSM, and it's important to differentiate healthy kink vs. abusive kink. Below is a quick cheat sheet via TNLR.org 

And the Leather Leadership Conference offers this questionnaire:

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (a resource I offered in my IGTV on Healthcare) is a fantastic directory to find sex-positive / poly-positive therapists and doctors. NCSFreedom.org 

Again, I'm not a therapist. But as a community mentor and advocate for ethical non-monogamy, I can offer resources, feedback and emotional support to the best of my ability.

I hope these links, questions and charts are helpful. Feel free to share!

With love,
Morgan