Review: "Polyamorous Women, Sexual Subjectivity and Power" (Sheff) (Patreon)

The forward to Sheff's study explains her focus on women practicing poly in the west. (They're mostly white cisgender women, but more on that later.)

"In the shifting gendered and sexual social landscape of the early twenty-first century, multiple-partner relationships remain eroticized and undertheorized."

Right away, she has my attention with this. I completely agree, and in fact, my own visibility is an effort to push back on the fetishization of multi-partner arrangements. When non-monogamy is demystified, it helps frame expectations for newcomers, so our communities directly benefit.
___

Sexual Subjectivity, in case you're wondering (because I had to look it up), is defined as "a woman's experience of herself as a sexual being, her feeling of entitlement to pleasure and safety, and her ability to make independent sexual choices." (Tolman, 2002)

Slut-shaming is real. Virginity politics are real. Within western colonial cultures, sexual subjectivity is a struggle. We're still dominated by monotheistic religion, and religious-based institutions (including government institutions created by religious patriarchs). So it can be hard to pursue sexual subjectivity if we've internalized the notion that our social value depends on chastity and subservience.

Enter polyamory. Sheff explains how her participants see poly as a way to reject existing power dynamics, and "expand the horizons of choice" for women.

"While many respondents reported exhilaration at the liberation from confining traditional roles, they also reported terror that accompanied psychic free-fall with no roles to emulate."

This is why visibility matters. Without role models and mentorship, we each have to pave a new path from scratch. This goes for everyone, not just women.

"The majority of the women in my sample viewed sexuality as a source of unity with other women, even some who had previously experienced sexuality as divisive."

This is a major benefit to taking scarcity out of romance. When we're not competing for companionship, when one woman's success is not at the expense of another, there is bound to be less strife. This can happen in male dynamics, too, so I don't see it as a solely female experience. And, resources and time are still finite, so people will inevitably still compete for those.

"Some polyamorous relationships retained elements of a traditional power structure in which men relied on their female partners to perform a greater share of the emotional maintenance. These relationships seemed to regularly self-destruct."

Women are still expected to do more emotional work. Sheff is very hetero-centric in this commentary, which creates gaps for those of us in LGBTQIA+ communities. But, the pattern expressed here is very real with any partner who's internalized patriarchal gender roles. Sustainable poly demands constant renegotiation and communication from everyone involved. Refusing to do emotional labor is a form of control. It's unacceptable, and should be confronted when it happens.

Personal freedom is not overall freedom. We still need to live in a monogamy-centric society. Being out as poly takes some options off the table, especially for women, who are told chastity = power. Stigma from monogamous family, friends and employers can mean losing social support or career opportunities.

Where are the trans women? A massive cloud looming over Sheff's work is how exclusionary it is. There is no mention of the plight of transgender women in the west, except for the fetishization of them by cis women, and Sheff's own problematic conflation of transgender folx with cross-dressers. This tells me she's not only selective in her pursuit of poly experiences, but she carries ignorance about the very existence of some women. It's a wild miscalculation, because every trans woman I know is practicing polyamory, and they have stories to tell!

Where are the communities of color?  The whiteness of her participants also skews the findings. She has a few poc individuals, but they participate in white poly spaces. Black, Asian and Latinx communities will offer different experiences, point blank period. And many indigenous tribes have cultural traditions of non-monogamy that (of course) predate colonialism. So Sheff's inability, or lack of desire, to pursue the voices of folx from those spaces makes me question the value of this study as a whole.
___

Overall, Sheff's work does validate a lot of my own experiences, while opening my eyes to poly dynamics I've never known. It's very flawed, and much of it is anecdotal, but a comprehensive study of polyamory is a daunting task, for sure. 

Bottom line: Sheff reinforces that poly can offer women unprecedented equality and  agency. Despite the stigma and risk involved, it is a radical path of sexual and romantic autonomy. For that, I'm grateful.